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Original poster

Decoding online dating...what do I do?

24 replies

Frazzledmum37 · 07/12/2019 21:28

Am single for the first time in 16 years and the dating world has changed!! Met a funny, intelligent and gorgeous man in his 40s on Bumble and we have exchanged 20 odd messages a day since. He is very complimentary and we have had some great chat...he makes me laugh so much. First date was last night and the date went really well in that we had a right laugh and a kiss plus 5 hours of non stop laughing and chat. He text after to say it would be the 1st date of many and that he would like to see me again and this morning when I said what a lovely time I'd had, he responded the same and that he couldn't wait till round two. So far so good. He has been online on Bumble since and on WhatsApp but hasn't messaged since this morning (I know that's not a long time at all but given his 20 a day previously) and no mention of when we are meeting again. Do I leave the contact for him or message him to ask when he wants to meet? I'm worried as he is a seasoned batchelor and I am too old for games.. What would you do? X

OP posts:
Original poster
Frazzledmum37 · 07/12/2019 21:29

I should add that a lot of his messages are quite sexual. Is this usual also??

OP posts:
Cream5 · 07/12/2019 21:38

Hi OP
Let him do the running now, youve both stated you enjoyed the date. It is usual for people to chat to multiple people until they a few dates in.
However, personally its not for me - once i like someone i concentrate on them. Only if i felt it wasnt quite right did i carry on talking to others.
However, for you to see him online i guess you had to be online too, so he may be thinking the same.
Give him the benefit of the doubt for now, but if the next date doesnt get locked down in the next few days move on

fokouembiyemassj · 07/12/2019 21:41

Let him contact you to arrange a second date and keep talking to other people . For a lot of men it's like being in a sweet shop where they want to taste as many sweets as possible before deciding which one to go for. Don't chase him for another date because if he's really interested you will know Smile

Original poster
Frazzledmum37 · 07/12/2019 21:43

Thank you. I wont now message him and shall wait until he initiates contact. It's all so confusing!!!

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lifeisgoodagain · 07/12/2019 21:59

I would be concerned if they were already sexual, in my experience those men are not after a relationship. I highly recommend a paid for site, more likely to be looking for a proper relationship - but be assured it works, took 8 weeks for me chatted to around a dozen guys and had around a 6 dates in coffee shops and bars before I met the most amazing man. It feels so right, never believed in love at first sight but ...

Original poster
Frazzledmum37 · 07/12/2019 22:11

Thank you lifeisgoodagain, that was my concern. What sites do you recommend?

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DorothyParkersCat · 07/12/2019 22:23

Am single for the first time in 16 years and the dating world has changed!! Met a funny, intelligent and gorgeous man in his 40s on Bumble

It's not impossible that you would meet a funny, intelligent gorgeous man in his 40s whose single first out the box when you first start OLD but the odds are very stacked against it as a quick look at any of the OLD posts on here will tell you.

For that reason alone I'd proceed with caution.

Add to that the sexualised messages. A man interested in a more long term proper relationship won't over sexualise to early. It's more indicative of an interest in sex or a quick fling than a relationship.

You normally have to wade through a lot of dross to find anyone that meets your description and who is single. You could have been lucky but the odds are greater that he is in fact married and looking for a shag.

Keep your eyes peeled for indications he may be commited elsewhere(any suggestions that you can't come to his house, he works for MI5 so cna't have social media, always unavailble at the weekend or always unavailable during the week, check he is who he says he is and go slow.

OldWomanSaysThis · 07/12/2019 22:51

Early sexual talk indicates sex is all they want. If that's all you want, then great - it's a match - but otherwise, no.

Lampan · 07/12/2019 23:14

Sexual messages so early on are not ‘usual’ I don’t think. I would be wary in your position, don’t put up with that unless you are happy and comfortable with it.
I don’t think anyone can make any generalisations that apply to everyone on OLD... the only thing I would say if you’re new to it is to meet people ASAP and don’t form expectations or ‘relationships’ via messages before you have even met someone. Good luck!

ILoveWelshCakes123 · 07/12/2019 23:43

I agree with other posters, If his messages are sexual and loaded with innuendo then odds on that's what he's after.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket and carry on dating others.

crimsonlake · 08/12/2019 00:26

Red flag here, I hope you have not been encouraging the sexual messages unless that is what you want.
My honest advice, move on and say next...

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/12/2019 02:51

He's feeling you out for a quick shag, and is probably doing this with multiple women.

If you want a relationship he's not the one for you.

supercali77 · 08/12/2019 08:03

Seasoned bachelor = expect nothing serious

Original poster
Frazzledmum37 · 08/12/2019 11:36

Thanks x He has messaged today but no mention of a second date. The sexual chat has stopped since we met and the messages are very infrequent. Think I will chalk this one up to experience.

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letsdolunch321 · 08/12/2019 12:54

Yep chalk it up to experience, I met my DP through a dating site.

Finding a genuine guy was like finding a needle in a haystack.

Even paid for sites were not brilliant.

Good luck

anotherdisaster · 08/12/2019 15:58

If he has cooled off after the 1st date then I would just assume that he has either lost interest, or has other irons in the fire. I would just get back on the sites an chat to others.
In my experience of dating, guys that are interested will increase the messages after a date not decrease them.

afterme · 08/12/2019 16:10

If the messages have decreased and he’s already online again I would assume he’s not very interested.

Original poster
Frazzledmum37 · 08/12/2019 16:51

Thanks xx I do not understand it ..yesterday (day after date) he messaged he "couldn't wait" till the next date. I don't get men at all.

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Jingers5 · 08/12/2019 17:00

It's very disheartening isn't it. I would keep fishing. Any decent guy would not be sending sexual messages, at least not this early on. I think you deserve better. Mr right is out there, don't give up 😁

anotherdisaster · 08/12/2019 18:41

When he said he 'couldn't wait' its quite possible he genuinely meant it. Then he saw someone else online who looked a better fit and started chatting to them.
I would also be wary of the sexual messages before meeting anyone. Its fine to do that once you've met/had sex but it does show that he's probably only after one thing.

onemorerose · 08/12/2019 19:12

Definitely don’t put all your eggs in this basket and do keep chatting to other people online. Sexual chat early on implies the person is very sexually orientated so perhaps just looking for sex from their dates. Personally, I probably cool off slightly after the first date because I’ve met them now, it’s a real person and I’ve now invested myself already. 20 odd texts a day is a lot to maintain.

Original poster
Frazzledmum37 · 09/12/2019 22:28

Yep, looks like I've been ghosted. Have 4 other dates lined up so all is not lost! Thanks ladies xxx

OP posts:
Jane1978xx · 09/12/2019 23:48

Join the dating thread with us

Original poster
Frazzledmum37 · 13/01/2020 21:18

Ladies, me again!. After the guy who ghosted me I have been dating...a lot! Have enjoyed OLD so far and met some interesting guys. 3 weeks ago I met a guy online and we hit it off. He messages me throughout the day to tell me about his day, we call eachother and have been on 3 fab dates (would've been more but he has been away for a week on business). In no hurry to get into a relationship but 2 more dates planned for this week and things are heating up. Have told him no sex until exclusivity which he gets but when is reasonable to expect exclusivity (as in not hooking up with others, not as in relationship) 5 dates? 10? I know he is active on Hinge as his location changes which is fair enough as I am also dating others (didn't want to put all eggs in 1 basket). But... I like this guy, a lot...and don't want to invest more time and have sex until I know its reciprocated...don't want to be played. Also, do you initiate the conversation or will that terrify a guy? I'm so clueless....

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