Struggling with the festive season

[AwkwardPaws27]

Not sure if this is the right place to vent this, but here goes nothing.

I've found myself struggling in the lead up to this Christmas. I'm apprehensive for a few reasons.
I had a miscarriage a few months ago (no DC yet), and both my SIL and DHs cousin are pregnant. We will see SIL and possibly cousin too on Christmas Day. I thought I had got to a place where I was ok with that, and I am very happy for both of them, however I'm wondering if my emotions around it are coming out in other ways?

I, out of blue, felt very emotional on the train on my way home on Friday, when I realised that I have vivid memories of the night my dad left (I was four) but no memories of any Christmases before he left. I've been trying really hard not to think about it but it keeps popping up and making me feel sad about all things festive.

I also keep finding myself ruminating about past events that were difficult; a very unhealthy (I hate to use the term abuse, but I think some parts of it would come under emotional abuse / coersive control) relationship in my mid-teens, and an incident of domestic abuse against my mother (her first partner after my parents separated) that I witnessed when I was five.

I recently had a short course of NHS CBT as I do struggle with anxiety, it has helped a bit in that I can stop the thoughts before they snowball into panic, but it feels like my brain is rummaging through a big trunk marked "shit you should probably leave in the past" right now

Christmas is a really really tough time of year for lots of people, so you aren't alone in struggling during the festive season.

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage , it's completely understandable that you're feeling apprehensive about being around pregnant relatives on Christmas day.

I'm not a mental health professional but I do understand how the mind can go into a bit of a spiral where one sad memory sparks off another and somehow you find yourself in quite a dark place for a while. Sometimes it's ok to go back and sort through memories / feelings from the past if they haven't been properly dealt with. Can you see a counsellor to talk through how you're feeling at the moment? Or maybe ring the Samaritans for a chat, as they'll have a really good understanding of how the festive period can be so difficult and by listening might help you sort through some of the different issues?

Hopefully there will be others along soon with more ideas.

So sorry for your loss. I would think about the ruminating thoughts about past trauma as being triggered by your most recent trauma of the miscarriage which you are still trying to process. Unresolved trauma from the past can sort of accumulate and stay with us, and what you describe are feelings of loss. It sounds like a bit of CBT has helped you to control your negative thought patterns to manage your anxiety but that is dealing with symptoms not the cause. You may just need more time to grieve but perhaps consider getting some psychotherapy that would help you to understand your past losses and how these are still impacting you and your feelings in the present. Above all be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve.

Can you have Christmas Day at home or somewhere else to avoid pregnant relatives if you are feeling vulnerable?

I think you need to be gentle with yourself and not put yourself in a position that may trigger emotions.

Your miscarriage has brought up lots of childhood trauma and I recommend doing some research on Complex Ptsd, which is to do with childhood trauma.

Pete Walker wrote a good book called: Surviving to Thriving Complex Ptsd.

Also look up Childhood Emotional Neglect.

You have had a rough time, and you need to be very kind and forgiving to yourself.

I'm desperate not to make an issue out of it or make Christmas about me, so I don't think we can change plans. I am really happy for them both. We usually alternate between DHs mum and my mum on Christmas day. Going to my mum's tends to stress me out anyway so it's not a low-stress option.
I'll look into some private psychotherapy I think.
I hate to frame my childhood as bad as I know so many people who had truly difficult childhoods; my parents love me but there were some difficult incidents. I've never been able to really discuss it with my mum (the domestic violence incident) as when I tried once she just said "you weren't supposed to remember that".
I'm exceptionally proud of her for ending the relationship on the spot, but it was scary for a five year old.