Coping while being separated without having separated

[protoncrouton]

Hi, name changed.

I am currently going through a really stressful time as I have decided to separate from my partner (he is the father to my 2 young kids) but am not yet ready to tell him the news (for various reasons I don't need to share here). It will probably be a few months before I can land the news on him and start negotiating over separation (the children's residence, access and finances).

I don't know how to cope during this time. I have had to do as much as I can to block him out in order to protect myself. I feel that there have been years of emotional abuse and manipulation (gaslighting, denial, projection etc) within the relationship but until very recently I hadn't realised it and therefore it hurt me (I was physically unwell and believe this was linked, and as well I doubted my own sanity and was probably very close to being mentally unwell too).

I am trying to spend as much time apart from him as possible but coordinating this is really difficult. I feel really guilty for the children and also I even feel guilty that I am sheltering him from my real reasons and feelings about him and the relationship. I feel like I owe him my decision and that it's wrong to not tell him as soon as I've decided.

I tell him, for example that I'm going out for a day with the kids, eg to meet a friend or a family member, and he asks "oh can't I come" and I have to try to avoid directly answering this type of question and many other things...

I feel like in order to protect myself I am becoming the person that I despised in him (not being honest and open in a relationship).

Has anyone else been in this situation - mentally checked out but not yet ready to actually start the process of separating and discussing it openly? How do you manage? How do you do this and coordinate things with the children?

Is it crazy to feel guilty about this? What should I do?

I'm avoiding explaining all the details so apologies if it all seems a bit cryptic.

Christmas is going to be fairly hellish but weirdly I feel like I can handle that.

Thank you

I was in a similar position for around 18 months. It's a long story so I won't go into too many details. What I found really helped me was a job which meant that I worked weekends. It made it easier to justify things to kids/friends/family etc. He worked week days and was off at weekends so it automatically limited our contact. Then I only had to keep him away from me in the evenings. A TV in my bedroom was a godsend. I suddenly started watching a lot of TV which he didn't like. He was still expecting to have sex with me during this time. Although I would never instigate it, I could tolerate it occasionally with the lights off and thinking about whichever celebrity I happened to find attractive.

You find coping mechanisms. What works for one person might not work for another. The most useful thing to help you cope is being focused on getting all your ducks in a row. Get a plan in place. Work out how and when you will instigate it. Sort out any legal advice you need, copies of bank statements etc. Buy any clothes you can afford to fit your DC for a couple of years ahead. It all helps and makes life easier. I even read one thread on MN where a poster who was planning to leave rented a storage unit which she filled with tinned food, toiletries, household consumables. Basically anything she could buy in advance and store for the future. It's all less that you will have to pay for etc as a single parent. One thing that is well worth doing when you have a date for getting a rental house or leaving is to make sure that you have an application already in for universal credit or advise them that your circumstances will be changing from a particular date. They aren't the quickest to respond to claims so it helps to be ahead before you actually leave.

Thanks so much CruellaDeVille2019, I agree and think you are right, making a plan and distracting yourself (a bit!) with the whole planning and action process really helps stay away from the emotional pain of it all. I am definitely trying to do some of the things you mentioned although not sure I want to work at weekends (work already in the week and trying to spend weekends away with the kids). It's hard but I'm really hoping I can get thru this difficult time.
Hope you are out the other side and things are brighter there!