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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he interested or not?

34 replies

anotherdisaster · 07/12/2019 16:19

NC for this. So I met someone online. I'm pretty clued up on narcissism, love-bombing etc (or thought I was). He was very keen from the beginning and I was wary of this but I did think he was just the type of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. I've held back as much as I can but I really really like this guy. Only been dating 8 weeks.
He hinted that he had some anxiety issues earlier this year due to his last relationship breakdown, starting a new job etc but he didn't go into too much detail. This is relevant.
Recently he has had some very stressful money worries due to a job change just before xmas and has been unable to pay his rent. I know he is mega stressed about this. Just to point out, he hasn't asked me for money and I've not offered.
His behaviour has changed towards me. He still messages lots every day but his messages have changed from very lovey to just generic stuff. He likes to send joke stuff and that is all I seem to get now. I had said I could see him today as my kids were going out for a few hours but he didn't get back to me then made an excuse that he was ill (not sure I believe him). We generally only see each other every other weekend so I was rather put out that he didn't jump at the chance to spend time with me.
Sorry if this is rambling but I think what I;m asking is, has he just lost interest and was a love-bomber after all? or is he a typical bloke who has some serious issues going on so cannot deal with anything else?
I'm taking a step back now to see how it pans out but I'm rather gutted if it ends as when we are together its really amazing.

OP posts:

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 07/12/2019 16:22

To be honest 8 weeks in you should still be in the honeymoon everything is awesome stage not the he has money worries anxiety does he like me hot and cold phase. Personally I would chalk it up as experience and move on.

Original poster

anotherdisaster · 07/12/2019 16:25

Yes I would say the same to anyone else. The money thing only just happened recently so bad timing I suppose. I just feel like that's not really his fault. But yes, it shouldn't this hard so early on.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 07/12/2019 16:26

Bit of both. There nothing that screams to me he is a narcissist but he certainly could have been burning too hot and fast in the beginning and now, lost interest a little.

Only seeing you every couple of weeks suggests to me that he liked the idea of you more than he does actual you.

If he semi vanishes and then comes back all hot and heavy again though, I think I would tend towards running. There isn't an excuse for blowing hot and cold.

Original poster

anotherdisaster · 07/12/2019 16:28

@Pinkbonbon the weird thing is, when we're together he's not hot and cold, he is always VERY keen. I often wonder if I just read too much into messages.
He has never vanished, he messaged frequently every day - it just tends to be the tone of the messages that can vary quite drastically.,

OP posts:

ysmaem · 07/12/2019 16:31

Sounds like you're not sure of him and at only 8 weeks you'd expect for both of you to be besotted and still in the honeymoon period.

Boireannachlaidir · 07/12/2019 16:34

Sounds like he's lying to you already so it's a nope from me.

Also sounds like way too much hassle this early on. Perhaps he's cooled off since he knows he can't get money from you easily to help with his rent?

Original poster

anotherdisaster · 07/12/2019 16:34

@ysmaem I was sure I was besotted with him but I'm not so sure he feels like same now. I keep telling myself the mixed signals are just his personal issues getting in the way. Maybe that's not the case.
I've not been responding to him much today and am going to cool things off and see how it goes. If things don't improve or get worse I will just end it. I'm annoyed that i'm feeling anxious about a relationship so early on!

OP posts:

Original poster

anotherdisaster · 07/12/2019 16:37

@Boireannachlaidir I genuinely don't think he was looking for money. I hope I'm not being naive but I'm not convinced about that. Also if this was the case surely he would just reduce contact then disappear? He still messages constantly throughout the day.
I'm already getting sick of second guessing.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 07/12/2019 16:38

...could he be a bit of a player?
Dated a guy once who was always super keen in person. But a little hard to reach otherwise. He would never answer his phone.

...And he would text people late at night.

He always said he didn't have fb and I decided to look one day as my spidey senses were tingling. Found it through his sister (he used a fake surname). He had a gf :/

Original poster

anotherdisaster · 07/12/2019 16:41

@Pinkbonbon no I don't think so. He's already out on FB that we are in a relationship (for all to see) and has asked me to meet his mum in a couple of weeks! So, not sure he could have a girlfriend. He's one of these people who uses social media a LOT and he tags me in stuff all the time.

OP posts:

75Renarde · 07/12/2019 16:44

If you're already clued up on narc tactics then that tends to suggest you've experienced it before.

If you've experienced it before then that suggests you're an Empath. In which case it's likely that hes a narc.

Hes not fully disengaged as hes sending you messages, keeping the lines open, so to speak. But there's something not quite right about your fuel but hes unsure. Hedging his bets

There will be another source on the mix somewhere. I know you like him but believe me, you've dodged a bullet.

Stop wasting your precious time. Its HIGHLY likely that when you didnt offer to pay the rent he then decided you were not able to fulfill the Prime Aims. Narcsite.com will see you right.

OrangeZog · 07/12/2019 16:46

I think that if you gave these sorts of doubts at eight weeks then it’s best to get out.

litterbird · 07/12/2019 16:47

Back off, 11 weeks to be official on Facebook and meet his mum is a little quick when you only see each other every other week. Stress does change things and men usually can only do one thing at a time. It might just be wrong timing for him to embark on a relationship as he seems to be in a difficult position at the moment and can't give you what you want right now. You are already getting the feeling that something is off so take time out and go back to OLD, dont invest in him anymore and get dating again.

litterbird · 07/12/2019 16:48

Sorry misread, you've only been dating 8 weeks....I would definitely go back to dating other people and keep your options wide open.

midep · 07/12/2019 16:50

If he's got money worries perhaps he can't afford to date, perhaps he's unable to keep his flat on.

TooTrueToBeGood · 07/12/2019 16:50

Who cares? You've known him 8 weeks and you're already tying yourself in emotional and mental knots. Life is too short for that shit. Stop wasting time trying to analyse him. Bin him off and focus on finding someone you don't need to analyse.

Pinkbonbon · 07/12/2019 16:56

75renarde*

Narcissists are not fussy (nor particularly rare) Alas, you don't need to be a magical being to attract them more than once. Nor a sensitive soul to be caught in their webs.

Sorry just hate use of the word empath in discussions about NPD. Always feels sorta victim blamey to me.

But it is fair to say that if you've had one around, there will likely be more unfortunately.

LemonTT · 07/12/2019 16:56

People scamming for money never ask for money. But they do reveal a lot about their finances and poor state of mind, very quickly and inappropriately.

If offered they refuse but will reluctantly accept at some point. They will withdraw if money is not pushed on them, on the pretext of stress and money worries. The obvious & only solution for the relationship to succeed is for you to resolve the finances. People are sucked in by the want to continue the romance not by the need to squander money.

It’s obvious the issue of money is on the table. You have considered giving it, hence the comment that you decided you never would. But equally you think it’s the reason he is stressed and can’t see you.

People who are scammed never think they are being scammed.

75Renarde · 07/12/2019 17:12

@Pinkbonbon

No, it's not victim-e at all. Empaths provide fuel, Narc supply in much greater quantities then normals do and way more than other narcs.

17% of the population have NPD. So we are agreed on that.

Empaths are not magical beings. They comprise of 25% of the population.

It's a matter of fact. No more, no less.

75Renarde · 07/12/2019 17:15

To continue....

Most narcs, 95%, are unaware that they have it. More importantly, they can never EVER be made aware.

Trust me, you dont want to meet the other 5%.

litterbird · 07/12/2019 17:20

75Renarde....I have met one of the 5%.....truly scary.

SickNotes · 07/12/2019 17:25

Exactly this sounds like no fun, and you're already anxious and analysing after about ten minutes and if you only see one another every second weekend, then you haven't even really 'been dating for eight weeks', you've seen each other four times or so in total...?

Plus being sent endless joke texts by someone who started off slobbering like a Labrador and now isn't keen to actually see you sounds dull and irritating.

scoobydoo1971 · 07/12/2019 17:30

In the early dating phase then I would be wary of anyone who raises the issue of financial hardship...even if they haven't asked you outright for money. I dumped my partner this summer for many reasons, but being tight, a bit of a leech and always complaining and dropping hints about his finances and income issues were a big red flag. He never asked me directly for money, but he sure let me know he had 'problems' and even told my kids he was struggling to pay the rent. He hoovered up the freebies...the beer, meals, days out that I funded, resources at my home as much as he could.

I think he hoped I would pay off his debts, give him some cash and let him move in rent-free. He even proposed marriage which I assume is because he thought I was the golden ticket to solve his troubles. Instead, I told him we were fundamentally different people and it would never work out. Just be careful with this man, as you really don't know him very well. He doesn't sound like a keeper. He should be showering you with attention, and even if he has money troubles...keeping that to himself for his own dignity.

AFairlyHardAvocadoHoHo · 07/12/2019 17:37

Eight weeks and you're publicly being plastered all over Facebook and talking about meeting the family?!

If things were serious enough to warrant all that then you would be feeling head over heels not concerned about him blowing hot and cold.

If you've known him eight weeks and "generally" see each other every other weekend then you can't have met more than 10 times or so? And already doubts / up and down intensity? Bin it off!

Tbh I think while I'm a looong time MNetter, sometimes posters are very concerned with whether or not someone fits a label eg narcissist.

But whether he is one or not, your relationship (well, eight weeks of dating) is making you anxious and confused.

Doesn't matter what label applies to him, what matters is that this should be the easy bit and you're already stressed. Which must be the last thing you need when you have kids too, I'm sure you're super busy at the best of times!

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2019 17:44

I'm also confused about this. If you only see each other every other weekend and it's only been eight weeks, it means you've met this guy four or five times. Yet you talk like it's a long term relationship, at the beginning, meeting his parents, being besotted etc. He's basically a stranger. You hardly know the guy.

Stepping backis a good idea, because this just comes across as a bit desperate. I'm sorry, but it does.

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