I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. I'm not sure what I'm expecting, but some clarity would be good. This is quite long, so if you get to the bottom, thanks for reading!
I've been in a relationship for just over a decade. We met when I was quite young and fairly inexperienced. We were both lonely, vulnerable in some ways. There are several reasons why I'm unhappy with pur relationship but the issues outlined below are the ones that making me think I should just be brave and leave.
I'll be 34 in a few month's time, and time is seriously running out to have children. The problem is, I'm at the end of my tether in my relationship. I've left a few things out (my post is already long) but here's the worst of it.
Over the years, I have struggled with my partner's highly introverted, moody grumpy behaviour. It got really bad a few months ago to the point that I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells. The way he has spoken to me in the past really resembles the way DR Martin (tv character) speaks to his patients. He is easily irritated or anxious and seems never to gave learnt to emotionally self sooth if something breaks or something doesn't go according to schedule. Many times over the years he has called me an idiot or a prick when I've accidentally spilled a little tea on the bed or done something similar. He does realise that unacceptable behaviour and always apologises, often within a minute or two of doing it. He didn't have a high a opinion of his father who was no father at all to him really growing up. His father often took out his temper on his mum, mostly emotionally and now I realise I'm subject to some of the same behaviour. He started to do things sexually which I wasn't comfortable with, which resulted in a huge argument a year and a half ago. There hasn't been an issue since then but that has left me with a fear that he doesn't respect my boundaries.
I said a few months ago that if he didn't change drastically that I would leave him, and that I could no longer be his emotional comforter / abuse taker. I had a health problem at the time which may gave come from the stress of our relationship so things really had to change and fast. I said if I felt his mood changing in future that I would no longer be there to cheer him up or expose myself to insults or whatever. I would simply leave him to stew in his own juice and that he would have to manage without my emotional labour.
Since then, things have really improved, but last night we had a major argument. I have a mild cold at the moment, as since he really doesn't want to be ill he didn't want me to touch his plate our his things. I forgot and grabbed his plate before setting it down on the table along with his food and he got really annoyed and said 'Were you born yesterday??'. Considering how many times he's snapped at me and called me an idiot in the past, didn't take this well. We argued and he said I can't constantly bring up what's happened in the past all the time when thing's have generally changed, but it's still relevant as I don't want him to slip back to the way it used to be.
He would really like to be a dad, he thinks children are adorable, but I don't think he doesn't appreciate how much they wear people down, how much attention they need, how annoying they can be. The homework help, the ferrying them to other childeen's houses and looking after their friends whem they're here. I'm questioning how he would cope with the unpredictability, noise and stress it would all bring. I absolutely do not want any future child to see him speaking to me in the way that he has done, or speaking to them in that way.
I have so little support and no close friends any more. My parents live a in a rural area with not many jobs that I feel I can't easily move out, just to get a break and a bit of thinking space. I have no one to talk to fully about this. My mum knows some of it but she loves me so much and is quite a worrier that I know I will give her many sleepless nights if I tell her the full extent of how I feel. I could scarcely afford to live on my own and I don't feel optimistic about starting a new relationship because most men at my age are attached or are married with small children.