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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OH's drinking is out of control

18 replies

Onalake · 07/12/2019 09:09

My OH has always liked a drink, but not to huge excess, perhaps a couple of pints daily. He has ramped this up over the last couple of years, and is now slurring his words drunk every day of the week.

He was sacked from his job three months ago and despite promising to get a new job he hasn't even tried. Money is extremely tight as I have a fledgling business and don't pay myself a wage.

He has driven drunk before, but I now drive him so he doesn't kill someone. I also reportdd him to the police, telling them his car details etc. My husband knows I did this and is accepting of it.

A couple of weeks ago, while driving home from my business, OH grabbed the steering wheel as I was driving. I had to punch him to make him let go - I have never punched anyone in my life until then. I was devastated that he would put my life in danger and managed to get him to the doctors the next day.

Since then OH has got steadily worse. He blames everything on me and my new business, wants everything to be back to how it was before, etc, etc, etc. I am emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted and don't know what to do.

Sorry for rambling post.

OP posts:

Selfsettling3 · 07/12/2019 09:11

He is an alcoholic. He has been a functioning alcoholic for a long time but now the wheels have come off.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2019 09:17

Onalake

You cannot rescue and or save him. You also did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.

The relationship is over because his primary relationship is with alcohol. All he is doing now is dragging you down with him. He will continue to make you feel emotionally and physically exhausted (because you are also firefighting. Life with this man is never stable and there is always chaos).

Why did you take him to the doctors; such enabling gives you only a false sense of control. Unless he himself wants to see he has a drink problem there is nothing that anyone, least of all here you, can do to help him. He does not want your help or support.

Save your own self and get away from him as soon as possible and certainly before Christmas. What family and or friends support do you have?.

Bluerussian · 07/12/2019 09:20

You don't have to apologise, Onalake, you have a real problem.

Your husband must get some professional help for his drinking problem - he may not accept he has one but the way to test it is to go without for three days. If he has severe withdrawal symptoms, he does have a problem. Will he put it to the test though?

Be firm and tell him you are not prepared to put up with his drinking, suggest he goes elsewhere. I am not saying LTB because you know him best and he may have been very good for a long time but living with an alcohol dependent person is no fun.

He's completely demoralised and has hit rock bottom, no job etc. Some people have to experience the abyss before getting to grips with their problems however it is not good for those close to them.

Do you have children? Children should not have to witness a parent being drunk all the time - I have known some who did, they loved their dad but his behaviour and the way he was with their mum was heartbreaking for them. If you have adult children, maybe they can talk to him seriously about this.

I'm not much help but I wanted to respond and do care. Others will be along in due course with advice.

Prioritise yourself, Onalake.

CodenameVillanelle · 07/12/2019 09:20

Kick him out and work on recovering from the relationship yourself. He will drag you into the gutter if you don't (and possibly kill you on the way)

Sparkletastic · 07/12/2019 09:24

Agree with PP. He's descended into fully blown alcoholism. Ask him to move out. Not your fault and you can't save him. Only he can do that for himself. Are his parents alive and would they take him in?

whinetime89 · 07/12/2019 09:26

I am living this right now. Althoughy husband isnt violent or agressive he is an alcoholic. The last 14 months have been hell as I have tried to support him. He has done 0 to seek support and it is constantly excuses. We have three children. We are now separated as I told him if he lied about drinking again we are over. We are still in the same house and he continues to drink daily. I am absolutely devastated for my children but i cannot live like this for the rest of my lofe.

Original poster

Onalake · 07/12/2019 09:44

@AttilaTheMeerkat, I told him I would leave if he didn't go to the doctors, so going to the docs was sort of his own decision. However, he asked me to go in with him and tell the doc what is happening. I see this now as denial in his part; he never acknowledged a problem. Didn't help that the doc told him not to stop drinking until blood teats were back. Blood tests are back, liver function is fine (for now), another reason for OH not to give up drinking. Doc has referred OH to mental health team.
I have no family within a four hour drive, and no real friends. I am pretty self reliant and prefer my own company.

OP posts:

Original poster

Onalake · 07/12/2019 09:47

@Bluerussian, he cannot go a day without drinking as he gets the shakes so badly he can't function.

We have adult children, but none shared. I could speak to his son, but that would not go down well. His son visited a couple of weeks back and asked OH if he had a drinking problem, but OH brushed him off.

OP posts:

Original poster

Onalake · 07/12/2019 09:50

@CodenameVillanelle I am certainly heading toaards the gutter, I am completely drained :(

@Sparkletastic, his parents are dead and he has one sister who is just approaching 70. He has two grown up children from his previous marriage.

OP posts:

Original poster

Onalake · 07/12/2019 09:52

@whinetime89, I am so sorry you are going through this. We have adult children; I can't imagine how difficult it must be if you have children at home. Sending you hugs x

OP posts:

MerryDeath · 07/12/2019 09:58

if you can OP, i would (ideally) have him move out. or you leave. he needs to hit rock bottom of there is any hope. you shouldn't be afraid or trying to manage him - alcoholics cannot be managed into recovery. for you.

Meneenamenana · 07/12/2019 10:57

I was married to an alcoholic; my experience was that trying to help and be supportive only reinforces the thinking of “I have a problem, people have to help me” I’m not unsympathetic at all to alcoholism as a complex condition but in terms of human relationships it can be incredibly damaging to be in a relationship with an alcoholic and it is easy to fall into codependency, in which you make yourself responsible for the problem, and which is very unhealthy for all of your relationships. If you end the relationship now, there is nothing to stop you coming back together when he has sought the help and done the work he needs. But it must be done by him.

Bananalanacake · 07/12/2019 12:30

how does he have money for alcohol if he doesn't work. can you stop your account being joint. if he has the shakes he needs medical help to stop but this has to come from him.

Shannith · 07/12/2019 12:34

Hi @Onalake I'm a bit tied up at the moment but will come back later.

I'm an alcoholic- sober now and I hope I can give some advice.

If he is drinking enough that he gets the shakes if he does not drink then he should not stop cold turkey. He could go into seizure, which can be fatal. Personal experience of this.

I'll be back, hopefully with some practical advise.

pointythings · 07/12/2019 17:33

Agree with Shannith above that he absolutely must not stop cold turkey - he is so deep in addiction that he needs professional detox.

You need to focus on your own wellbeing now. That means finding support from an organisation like Al-Anon or similar, so that you can be with people who are going through the same thing. In a group like that you will learn to set boundaries, you will learn to detach from the situation and put your self care first, and you will learn coping strategies so you can move forward.

As for your OH - he has not yet hit rock bottom. He hasn't acknowledged there is a problem, he is still drinking. He will not stop until he does find that point - and that may never happen. It didn't for my husband and it cost him everything - his family, his job, his life.

You need to start thinking about the possibility that this marriage is over - it is very real. Life with an alcoholic is hell. You are under no obligation to stay - you cannot fix him, only yourself.

Good luck.

Original poster

Onalake · 08/12/2019 13:49

Hi guys, thanks for your continued support and input.

Well, it came to a head the morning after my first post. I just brike down and couldn't stop crying. OH was really concerned and worried about me, and asked what was wrong. I explained what his drinking was doing to me, that he was dragging me down with him and I couldn't take any more.

He was sober and devasted. The doctor had given him the number of a drug and alcohol dependency helpline a couple of weeks ago, with my OH just shoving it in his pocket as "they can't help". He found the number and called them. Unfortunately the lines aren't manned at the weekend, but instead of just hanging up he left his name and number on the anwser phone and asked them to call back as he needs help.

Since then - only yesterday morning, he has cut down drinking considerably, having just two pints yesterday, and none today so far, but he will have a couple later as it isn't safe to just stop.

We have a long way to go, I have no doubts that the road ahead will be rocky, but the fact that he listened to my fears and worries, admitted to me and himself that he has a problem, and is willing to do something about it is giving me hope.

OP posts:

Blushingm · 08/12/2019 15:21

My dm was an alcoholic - she died at 57 because of her drinking. For a long time she was a functioning alcoholic but more and more I found myself having to cover for her - milkman she was too drunk to answer the door, school functions I'd say she was working - people used to bring her home from work functions unable to walk.......she ruined my childhood and my twenties - she would admit her problem to keep me enabling her.

My point is - you can't change or help him, he needs to do it himself.

pointythings · 08/12/2019 16:21

Onalake only time will tell. If he follows through with detoxing properly until he is safely at alcohol free, then works hard to get to the bottom of why he drinks so heavily, there's a chance. I gave my husband that chance too and I wanted him to succeed.

I really hope it works out for you, and I do know that alcoholics can recover. My sister's DP did, he is 10 years sober now. Good luck.

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