Anyone else planning to split in new year & putting on a brace face over Christmas?

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

I've had enough with "D"P and can't keep going.

He's had an affair in the past & isn't demonstrating remorse, apologising or telling the truth about it (he won't even tell me who she was & doesn't know why he did it )

He also has recurrent depression, which he didn't tell me about before I moved in with him, away from family/friends. Due to depression, he has had extended periods of time off work, lost jobs & I've found it very hard to live with someone who is angry & disengaged. It's put me under huge strain as I've carried the burden on family life without him.

So I just can't go on, and have told him this.

He's said he wants things to work & to go for counselling (which I've agreed to) but I don't think that will turn round how I feel.

So this week it's seeing a lawyer & possibly mediation whilst we try to agree on possibly selling the home, where to live etc. Plus I'm applying for jobs to help relocate/get a mortgage.

Hence I've been awake since 5am with it all swirling through my mind & posting here.

The DC don't know yet, and there doesn't seem to be anything so definitive to tell them.

I'm just trying to put a brave face on it over Christmas. We're avoiding each other as much as possible round the house & I can't relax.

Neither of us can afford to move out & it will be months before the house is sold.

He's snoring next to me & I want to punch him!!!

Anyone else in the same boat?

I’m dreading the Christmas festivities.
My ‘DP’ is working away at the moment, which is hard with small children but much needed space, but he’s back over Christmas. I should be missing him but I really am not, but I want our kids to enjoy Christmas and I’m just not ready to face the idea that next year our relationship may be over if he doesn’t decide to try (he loves us apparently but is very selfish and difficult. Also in my opinion periods of depression which he won’t get help for)

I’m trying to remind myself that although we can try, it only works if both people do! I honestly think he buries his head in the sand and would not do therapy/counselling. Plus there is no point in being miserable just because we have kids together.

Can you sleep somewhere else? A settee, dc room, can the dc share a room and you use the freed up room?
Avoiding each other during the day is doable, but the forced sharing of intimate space at night, is torture. It used to make my skin crawl.
My ex didn't take me seriously until I moved out of the bedroom. Start boxing up things that are important to you. Photos, dc colourings,(I don't mean take them all) books, cd's. Go through your wardrobe, have a clear out. Start freeing yourself for the future move. Get ready to take advantage of anything that might suddenly come up. eg A friend goes on holiday and loans you her house, a relative offers their holiday home, you don't know when opportunity will knock! Plan your day to be busy between dc going to bed and you going to bed. I took up keep fit, upstairs.
Keep thinking of the your future freedom. Pick up sale/ bargains and charity shop finds. Linen, a cutlery set, a picnic set, toothbrushes. Your dc will need two of everything split over two homes. Keep it in a box marked, ""New House"
Get the shared house ready for viewings. De-clutter, spring clean, kerb appeal and so on.
You want this. You can do this.

Thanks so much willow - these are great tips, very useful.

I've started doing some of the things (bought a new tv as I'll need one). I've bought some clothes for DC in next sizes up.

Am so overwhelmed with DC's birthday this week, job interviews/applications, seeing lawyers, etc I haven't had much time, plus have Christmas presents to get.

Urgh, this is so shit.

There is a spare room which I can start using, am just wondering what to say to DC about it. DS is 11, so he might ask & doesn't know we are separating yet.

Just tell your DS his dad snores or wriggles when he's asleep so your sleeping in another bed or that you have a sore back so need a better mattress to sleep on until you figure out when and what you are going to say about the split.

Make sure before you move into the room that you have photocopied and have all your necessary documents such as bank statements, birth certificates, passports etc just in case the reality of you moving into the spare room hits him and he becomes more irritable and difficult.

Thank you both, that's really helpful. I have the passports & paperwork looked out for the lawyers this week.

I'm just taking it a day at a time. Have DC's birthday party this weekend. More faking it in front of people!

I've got a good chunk of time off work over Christmas (but so does he! 😱). I can get the house in order then (he certainly won't).

I feel so much better when he's not around.

All v good advice. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself at Xmas itself. Tell people you’re unwell so haven’t been able to buy/ do much. I’m sure people will understand. An 11 year old would be happy with cash and a token present. Keep life simple as possible and focus on future and practicals just as people have suggested.

Thank you for posting this thread op. I am leaving on new years Eve and all of the PP are helpful. #had enough.

Sorry you're in this situation too that.

Now I understand why the divorce rate increases in January as people like us have got through Christmas with gritted teeth.

Am just feeling in limbo & know we'll have to live together until around April at least, hoping the house is sold.

Dreading the disruption for DC & telling people - most of my good friends know & my sister. But decided to tell family after Xmas.

I lived this reality at xmas 2014. It was horrific and I ended up spending xmas night in A&E because I took my first overdose.

Granted, my situation was extreme. I didn't help myself, wanting to put a brave face on for the sake of my children.

Personally, I'd ask him to leave for the day.

I did this in 2015 with a houseful of relatives. It was the greatest performance I've ever managed, incredibly hard and my heart goes out to you.

I stayed with my ex and the father of my 2 DC's over the Christmas period (this was 5 Christmases ago now) I knew we wouldn't be together after the new year and so did he even though we never said it out loud to each other. We had had pretty explosive arguments throughout that year, some of which the kids unfortunately had witnessed. He had also cheated a few years prior and it was something that I never really got over. Our relationship was well and truly over and I was no longer in live with him. We got through the Christmas. Christmas wasn't unbearable or strained, surprisingly, we both concentrated on the kids but didn't spend any time alone together and 2 weeks into the new year we finally had the conversation that things weren't working and he moved out that day.