Affair

[FishChipsanMushyPeas]

I know I am going to get abuse for this but hoping for advice.

I started seeing a married woman 6 months ago. We both liked each other and it was just supposed to be a bit of fun.
In the time we have been seeing each other she left her husband a few times and took her children with her. Each time she went back to him more out of guilt because her 3 children were upset that their mum and dad had seperated.
In the times that she has gone back to him we agreed to stop seeing each other on a physical level but maintained a friendship and chatted most days on the phone. The chats would always turn from friendly chats to becoming more emotional after a few days, until eventually we would start meeting up and connecting physically again.
The last time she left him we shortly embarked on a physical and emotional connection and both admitted that we loved each other and began talking of s future together.
A family matter resulted in her moving back home out of guilt and a realisation that she felt she had been selfish putting her own needs and happiness before her children's. As a result she ended the affair again but continues to want to remain friends and contact me. I of course am happy with this arrangement as I still get to maintain some level of contact with her as I could not just turn my feelings off.
What is going to happen now? She wants to try and make amends with her husband for the sake of her children. She admits her feelings for me have not changed. Are we going to end up having a physical relationship again and is this how it is always going to be? 1 month of being together followed by a period of friendship before she decides she is leaving him again and re-embarking in a relationship with me? Should I hang in there patiently in case there is a chance of us being together or should I cut all contact?

I would leave it. She's going to keep coming back to you for a bit, but will also continue to be with her husband. Are you in a relationship or are you single and hoping that she will choose you? For your own sake and well being, let her go.

She doesn't know what she wants. But it's clear she doesn't want you enough to stay away from her husband.

I think you need to walk away and find someone available, unless you enjoy this rollercoaster and never knowing where you stand.

She cant even put her kids needs first, she certainly isnt someone to be in a relationshop with.

She doesnt keep returning because ita best for the kids. Ita bullshit. Ita nor beat for the kids, to be separated from their father 3 times in 6 months, so their mother can shag her bit on the side.

She is fucking her kids up and fucking you around. Bollocks to 'she is confused'. She actually just wants it all.

She sounds awful. What on earth can you possibly find attractive in a woman who would force her kids through repeated separations/reconciliations, cheat on her husband whilst telling him she wants to reconcile and keep you dangling on a piece of string too?

When everyone in her life finds out about you, they will hate you. Even if your dreams come true and she leaves him for you, everyone will hate you. Why would you want to be a part of that?

And really, if she loved you and you were soulmates, she'd be with you right now wouldn't she?

I’d make the break from her. Let her patch things up with her husband if thats what she wants. How awful for her children they must be so confused and hurt.

Find someone new who is free to have a proper relationship with you

What Itsmecathy says.

This woman is a mess. You are getting involved in something that cannot and will not have a happy ending. Particularly for her DC.

I'm guessing you are also a woman OP. Find someone with no ties.

It sounds messy. She sounds self-serving, all that back-and-forth with the poor kids! You need to be strong now OP and cut contact altogether.

To be brutally honest, she doesn’t love you as much as she says she does. She’s using you to fill a gap, for whatever is missing in her marriage.

She doesn’t sound like a very good mother. Putting her children through that again and again. I remember when my mum told us she was leaving my dad...it was heartbreaking...so to go through that repeatedly...what is she thinking.

You can’t love someone who treats you and others that way. This isn’t love. It’s an addiction, so think of it as such. If you were addicted to smoking, but trying to quit, would you keep a packet of cigarettes in you pocket and get them out to look at every day? To get over this ‘relationship’ you have to cut all ties and set yourself free.

You are friends for a short time, and then " connect physically"?
🤣
No, you're not friends if you 'love' each other and stayed in constant touch. That's just not having sex for a bit

I'd say the only thing to do is leave her to it. Don't see her as a friend, but stay away entirely. Avoid her and don't message her or contact her. She will try and contact you, but just leave her to it. She has to give her marriage a go properly and see if she can do it without you being there for her. She sounds confused and pulled apart by this and her children must be suffering terribly as a result. You also deserve better.

Why you you want a cheat for a partner?

Find someone else who has no baggage

Those poor children. She's treating them awfully and putting them through so much. I left my exH last year and it broke my heart to tell the DCs. To repeatedly mess them around would be unthinkable and she is setting them up for MH problems.

To be it bluntly, if she really loved you want wanted a future with you, she would have left and never gone back. I know people who have done that and they really did love the other person. The fact she's willing to risk you and go back to her husband speaks volumes. She has very little respect for you as she is treating you badly. Walk away and leave her to it. You will never be able to have a friendship with this woman.

Your standards are low. You have got to delete her as females like this will keep on cheating with who ever they are with. So don't think if she leaves her dh for you that she won't cheat on you as she has proven that she will. Stay away from her she is bad news. She also has 3 dcs so how on earth can she be a good mother / wife and see another man behind her husbands back? Don't get caught up in mind games as they are there to take you of your path in life.

Sorry i should have mentioned, not that it matters, I am also a woman. The woman I am having the on off affair with has told me she is trapoed an feels like she is living a lie but fears the devastation it may cause to not only leave her husband but also the impact it will have that she is with another woman.

Right, so you find a bit of self respect and walk away while she sorts her shit out.

Either she won't, and then you've had a lucky escape.

Or she will, and come find you when the dust settles.

At least that way you have the potential to start your relationship with a clean slate, guilt-free, knowing that she ended her marriage for the right reasons, without anybody calling you the ow or her kids hating you.

Dont give a shit if you are woman.

This woman doesnt give a shir about anyone

Just go for someone who is single, there's loads out there

Well she's a nasty piece of work, isn't she? She isn't just messing you about - she's messing about her husband and her children. Not once, but 'a few times'. A woman who can do that isn't a poor lost soul, trying to find her way. She's a nasty, manipulative piece of shit.

Walk away. I hope her husband does the same and takes the children with him.

You are a backup plan for when she gets fed up with her husband.
Then she decides the grass isn't greener as a single mum after all so goes back home again.
Until the next time she gets bored of her husband.

Have some dignity. Stop allowing her to pull your strings when it suits her. Walk away. Regardless of whether you are straight, bi or gay, nobody deserves to be messed around by someone who cares so little about the feelings of the people she supposedly loves.

Are we going to end up having a physical relationship again and is this how it is always going to be? 1 month of being together followed by a period of friendship before she decides she is leaving him again and re-embarking in a relationship with me? Should I hang in there patiently in case there is a chance of us being together or should I cut all contact?

Here's an idea, why don't you actually take responsibility for your own actions?

Literally all those questions can be answered by you:

Are you going to have sex again?
Is this how its always going to be?
Should you wait and hope?
Should you cut off contact?

Make a decision about what your answer is to those questions and then act accordingly.

Waiting for her to "decide" and going along with whatever happens next is you absolutely copping out of being a adult and having accountability for your actions.

Personally I wouldn't want to shag someone who was behaving so cruelly towards her kids. The cheating and yo-yo-ing is bad enough but being such a dick to her kids takes the biscuit.

If you're happy to carry on like this forever, you're not a very nice person and also a mug.

If you wouldn't be happy to carry on like this forever then cut contact. If she doesn't leave her partner for you then that's you answer.

She wants you but only if it doesn't rock the boat at home too much.

Be an adult, make your own choices.

This seems a theme in OW threads?

The complete lack of self responsibility. They all act as though they didnt choose to pursue this, they had no choice and what happens next isnt anything to do with them either.

You need to ask yourself if you think this woman is trustworthy?
She is happy to break everyone's hearts around her from her poor husband to her kids to you. What do you think your future holds if you stay with her?
She maybe confused but that doesn't mean she can cheat lie and basically treat everyone terribly

I think you've already given her a lot of chances and she has blown them all. Maybe she is conflicted, but she is behaving horribly messing you and her kids and husband about more than once.

You need to give her space to make the decision to stay and work on her marriage or to leave properly and on her own. If she leaves then she needs time to get over everything then concentrate on her children for a while. It's never a good idea to jump from one relationship into another even without children. If you got together with her now you would forever be the other woman and they will hate you forever

Stay away, she needs to talk to her husband about the fact that she's gay.

Give them space to sort this out.

As a result she ended the affair again but continues to want to remain friends and contact me. I of course am happy with this arrangement as I still get to maintain some level of contact with her as I could not just turn my feelings off.

Sorry, but I think you need to look at your self respect here. Why are you prepared to put up with being second fiddle?

Does her husband know about you? She's messing you both around. And she sounds very selfish. She isn't putting the kids first at all, she's putting herself first and foremost.

I think you are at risk of getting really hurt here - as does her husband and her children.

Step away from this disaster zone before more harm is done.