Partners mental health

[Butterfly29]

I have been with my partner 10 years from being teenagers. We have built a nice life with our two beautiful children but the one constant issue that has the ability to make my life frequently crumble is my partners mental health and I love him with all my heart but hate how his mind can control our life so much. He struggles with life in general and goes through stages of being okay ish in this time he can get a job, help with kids, actually engage with the kids stories, games ect then after around 6 months the pressure of work and family gets to much and he packs work in which then having no routine turns everything into chaos he sinks into a deep depression sleeps all day wakes up to play Xbox and anything I say to help i get a accused of mothering. He never recognises when he needs help until we’re at breaking point then gets medication he won’t take, now I know this may be selfish but i am trying to build a life with him but feel I’m the only one putting the work in I’m at uni to get a career to support us, I am the one who dose all housework and washing, I’m the one who cares for the kids it’s like I’m a single partner is this how people with mental health act or is he taking advantage? It’s so hard to picture the life I want when it’s always one step forward and two back

Have a read about ADHD in adults and see if he fits the picture. People can hold it together for short periods before getting burnt out.
Obviously way too limited info to make an educated guess even but it did jump out at me.

I couldn't live like that. Not everyone is able to cope with a partner with certain MH issues. There's no shame or any reason to feel bad about it.

I wouldn't want my DC seeing this throughout their lives. It will no doubt have a long lasting impact on them.

Children who have parents with depression end up suffering too. It affects the whole family.

I don't know if you never saw the extent of his depression before you had kids, or realised the impact on your own life and MH....but this isn't going to end anytime soon.

How does it feel to think this is your life? Being like a parent to a grown man and shouldering the financial load, when he can't cope?

Think about it. Your DC need one healthy parent and you could her ground down by all this in the long run.

I think you need to have a upfront convo with him while he's in a good spell. Perhaps almost agree a contract- he will take the necessary meds if you advise him that certain warning signs are happening. He will take the responsibility of seeing the doctor and you mind the kids for the appointment. In turn he takes responsibility for staying well but it doesn't all fall on your shoulders if there's a blip. Hopefully that makes sense..?!

i wouldn't live like this.
doubt it's healthy for you or for the children.
are you ready to continue doing this for the next 30+ years?

No I don’t want the rest of my life to be like this, I want to live the best life possible I want to achieve something and pass this onto my kids. His mental struggles put a lot of pressure on me and yes the kids will be effected but I do try to mask this as much as possible, I don’t want to leave him and tbh if i actually seen him make an effort I.e take medication, go to therapy, recognise when helps needed, simple things like trying to keep in some kind of routine for the family sake if nothing else just go to bed set an alarm so he’s not sleeping all day if i simply saw any effort I would never consider leaving I would continue to support him, but the more I see the lack of effort or care and then being accused of being a nag because I want to live a normal life, it’s becoming to much for me to think this is how my life will always be. My only fear of leaving him is in case him becomes even more depressed his emotions can sometimes be triggered if he thinks I am unhappy in the relationship and instead of talking and looking what we can do he just goes into more of a depression so I pretend I'm fine whilst screaming inside I’m very conflicted with how I feel here

I feel his behaviour is likely to affect the mental well being of your children.

If he goes into more of a depression if he thinks you are unhappy, I feel he is being controlling.

How lovely for him to have you to rely on and never have any chance for support yourself.

You are not his keeper. He is an adult and even if he did something really terrible if you split up this would not be your fault but something he did when mentally ill which he might do if you stayed together and esp which children became older and more questioning of why he seems not to try.