How the fuck am I supposed to feel?

[AnotherMum76]

Three years to the day that my husband committed suicide, how to he fuck am I supposed to feel?

You feel what you feel. There's no right or wrong. We should all listen to our emotions more than we do.

Have you spoken to anyone IRL about it today?

I’m so sorry. Feel however you want to feel, there’s no right or wrong. My best friend committed suicide over 30 years ago, and I’m still cross with her, how could she not realise how much we all loved her? How could she leave us without her in our lives? How could she not have told us how she was feeling? How did we not see how she was feeling?

It’s the most complicated form of grief, I hope things get better for you x

sending a hug, if you'd like one. That is such a shit thing to live with - how does one move on? I don't know, really. Any death is hard, horrendous. Suicide brings a whole other layer of horror.

I am so sorry for you and your son.

You feel however you feel. There are no rules and every single person will deal with it in a different way from the next person.

3 years is bloody no time anyway. My uncle killed himself 7 years ago and my father and my other uncle died nearly 14 years ago. those losses still hurt or affect me in different ways even now and they weren't my bloody husband i.e. The person that you choose to share your life with and be your teammate against the rest of the world! That's a loss that you don't simply just get over and if anyone is even unknowingly making your feel that way they can bugger off.

Fixed and broken at the same time.

I'm so sorry op. You must be so angry about the strength you've had to find.

There is no mandated script for this. You may well feel every emotion going and probably in a very short period of time.

I agree with the tell people though.

It's still raw. Time will be a great healer, eventually. But it's only been 3 years. He took his own life, which is harder to bear than anything else. Give in to whatever feelings you have and don't ever feel guilty if you ever feel happy. You didn't create this situation and there is no rule book on how to deal with it.

Tight hug from me xx

God, I have no idea. I guess it depends on the back story ... but the situation is so difficult that you can feel any way you like and it’s ok. Have you had any counselling?

So sorry to hear that.
I was eight when my dad died mainly as the result of alcoholism which seemed like suicide.
I think you feel however you feel, is up to you and not for others to judge. I don’t think my Dad deliberately decided to deprive me of a father and my mother of a partner .He must have had things he found he couldn’t live with..Remember the best of him and be kind to yourself.I think bubblesforlife is right time will help you. Come back here fo support when you need it.

I'm 17 years on from where you are.

I got home to find my fiancé hanging from the loft access so believe me when I say I know exactly what you're going through.

It's hard, you never get over it but you learn to deal with it. The pain does ease but remember that not everybody grieves the same way and you'll find that people move on (or appear to) whereas you feel stuck. I still think about him every year on the anniversary, even now. What you're feeling isn't wrong, it's just your way of dealing.

Sending big hugs xx

You are allowed to have all the feelings - if you want to. You are also allowed to acknowledge that you are supposed to be the mum for your teenager, also. (Who may also be looking to you for cues, so keep communication open there, OP.)

So so sorry. There is no right way to feel. Just allow yourself whatever feelings come and don't beat yourself up for not having got over it or moved on. Sending love and

How the fuck am I supposed to feel?

^^ I think that's how you're supposed to feel, OP. Grief is rarely straightforward, and your feelings are your feelings, whatever they may be, without exception.

I'm so sorry.

Whatever you feel. Grief, anger, loneliness, relief. Anything. It's all good.

I'm so terribly sorry. Suicide is hellish for the survivors. Be very, very kind to yourself.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. My son is my strength and motivation and I feel blessed that we have a very close relationship

I'm so SO sorry, and as others have said there are no rules, however you feel is right for you in that moment. Sending love and strength too, lean on those that love you just as you let them lean on you when needed, and come and talk on here of it helps you at all x