Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

After the affair

18 replies

Moodylooby · 06/12/2019 11:30

My husband had a 4 month affair which I found out about after he had split with her 2 years later. She blackmailed him for two years that she would tell me and she did on my birthday. She text my kids and me, they got it first and were devastated! She sent me some very nasty texts but I would not be drawn. She called herself scum when she finally spoke to me and I told her she wasn’t and I never wanted to hear her describe herself as that. After a few more begging texts to leave him I went round to her house to ask her to stop. She would not come to the door but I spoke to her parents and they stopped. She told me she worshipped him and he only wanted me when he could have had her. The sex wasn’t great she told me and that was a relief because it always is with us! This was 18 months ago. My husband has done everything to make amends for what he’s done. He’s done a lot of work on himself (and he is different, more in touch with me and how I’m feeling and how he’s feeling. We did counselling and that helped. He says he adores me and I think he does so why can’t I let it go? We go through periods of great happiness and periods of me just being pissed off with him and thinking how could you? When will this get better? I’ve feel I’ve moved on slot but now I’m stuck. Any answers would be greatly appreciated as I’m so stuck I feel like I’m sliding into a depression. I don’t think it’s fair that he’s still being doubted by me when he has done everything.

OP posts:
Cloverbeauty · 06/12/2019 11:50

You can't let it go because anyone who cheats is a liar essentially, and you no longer trust him because you know what he is capable of. Plus I assume since she's been blackmailing him, he's been either sleeping with her for two years or paying her money. So he's been lying to you for two years.

Like all cheaters, he is scum and not to be trusted. If you can't trust him anymore, rightly so, then you should divorce him. You deserve better anyway, I mean he's hardly man of the year is he?

annielouise · 06/12/2019 12:08

He is scum and she is too. I've no idea how we've got to the stage where a woman whose husband has been cheating on her has to show how woke she is about not having anything bad to say about the OW. You've gone one step further and said you never want to hear her describe herself as scum. Are you a doormat?

Yes, he's the one that owes you fidelity, she doesn't. But as a human being she owes you not being a shit, which she was, so to my mind while he is the biggest shit she is too. Why on earth would you tell her she's not scum? You didn't have to agree or disagree if you wanted to be civil. Her behaviour over the past 2 years with the blackmail, let alone having sex with your husband, has been scummy.

They've both treated you appallingly. Yet to be seen to be a nice person you've kowtowed to the both of them in this aim to be reasonable. I would have logged it with the police as harassment what's she's done to you in the past 2 years.

DivaRainbow · 06/12/2019 12:10

My husband had an emotional affair which I found out about last year and honestly I still get waves of hate for him. We are worked hard to keep our marriage going. My one bit of advice is talk to him, Tell him about these feelings that keep coming back. I believe time is a healer and it may take a long time. X

LilouBlue · 06/12/2019 12:23

How was she blackmailing him? I mean, obviously she threatened to tell you if she didn't get what she wanted, what was it she wanted from him? Money? Sex?

I understand how this is very hard for you. He's broken your trust completely.

Aloe6 · 06/12/2019 12:28

What’s that saying about trust being like a broken mirror? You can piece it back together but it’s never the same again. I don’t think you can ever completely move on from this, as it has irreparably changed your ability to trust him.

Trustyourinnersatnav · 06/12/2019 12:33

Hello, well done for working through it. The thing is, is that he brought absolute chaos into your life, where the one person you trusted betrayed that trust. It is going to take time, you will need counseling alone to help you work through this. We are all human and all make mistakes. If you love him and want to continue the marriage then that's what's right for you. Remember what you have been through is traumatic and it will take time to heal.

Faith50 · 06/12/2019 12:33

I am sorry to hear of this OP.
How exactly did she blackmail your dh? What did he give her in return for her silence?

Judging by the ow's actions, I very much doubt this affair went on for just four months.

Trustyourinnersatnav · 06/12/2019 12:34

Meaing your husband made a mistake, not you. Just to clarify

MsRomanoff · 06/12/2019 12:35

You cant let it go because it's been 18 months. That's about half the time he waa lying to you for.

The lead up to the affair, the affair and the 2 years afterwards, he lied to you constantly. Every day.

Yet he adores you? Surely you can see how thata difficult to move past.

Faith50 · 06/12/2019 12:37

How low of the ow to message you and your DC. Clearly she went through your dh's phone to obtain the numbers.

Your dh bought utter chaos and an explosion into your life. Is she much younger than you both? I assume her parents being there means she lives at home.

MsRomanoff · 06/12/2019 12:41

She stole yours and your children's numbers from his phone and sat on them for 2 years?

After a 16 week fling?

Maybe you know, deep down, you dont know it all.

Anessia · 06/12/2019 12:50

Your husband sounds remorseful. You can't let it go because you have too much pride.
Don't let negative thoughts enter your mind in the morning because once you do then it'll be hard to get rid of them throughout the day. Focus on your own self improvement, be productive and be loving to your husband. Over time you will heal.

teenageanxy · 06/12/2019 15:34

I don't know that you ever will 'let it go'.
Why should you.
Trust is early and once lost hard to gain back.

I will never forget my husbands affair , it will always be in the back of my mind. Things are good, like yours he has worked hard on repair and I definitely have more 'power' in our relationship.

The truth is we will never know the whole truth because we can never trust the liars.

dottydolly72 · 06/12/2019 16:30

How old was she! You spoke to her parents 💁‍♀️ how did you H keep her quite.. it doesn't go away, first hand experience allows me to say that.

elmosducks · 06/12/2019 20:32

Ugh. Duck that.

ConfCall · 06/12/2019 21:18

It won’t get better. You just have to find a way to live with this if you’re determined to keep him.

Moodylooby · 11/12/2019 13:08

She wasn't getting money or sex she just kept telephoning him wanting to be friends but he wouldn't meet with her he just spoke to her. She told me this and told me he only ever came for 2 hours at the most twice a week but had known him for years but nothing ever happened. He never bought her anything, took her out or said he loved her. She told me she hated me because he chose me and not her! She didn't want him to get away with it because she loved him and she was devastated he didn't choose her, even though she knew this from the outset.
She is 35 and lives at home, very glamours had a long term boyfriend who wouldn't commit.

OP posts:
Moodylooby · 11/12/2019 13:09

Oh and she had a drink problem so she called him when she was drunk!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.