Back for some more advice regarding my son & his mum.

[malgrat78]

Some of you may remember me from a couple of previous posts regarding my 12 year old Son & the issues I have been having with his mum. Quick recap. She has moved a guy in who is a known drug user. He is / was on a methadone treatment plan & social services confirmed this to me. I have had reports from a neighbour about cars visiting the home & dropping off what appears to be drugs. My son has also seen this. I strongly suspect that she is taking something too. Before all of this his mum was very manipulative with my son & constantly lied to him so he was finding it hard been there anyway.

She is heavily in debt & was relying on my child maintenance payments even when my son was staying at mine the majority of the week. I have now stopped all payments to her & I think that she is now really struggling financially but my son lives with me now so I am trying to distance myself from her problems. He didn't like been there & he wanted to stay with me more so I have eventually now taken full custody for his own mental, emotional & physical wellbeing. So, far his mum has not really resisted however the problem that I am now facing is the communication between my Son & his mum.

I drew up a parental plan last month that outlined that my Son would visit her home for 2 hours on a Tuesdays & 2 hours on a Sunday. I also mentioned the communication between parents & child. This is what I wrote in the plan: Both parents are free to telephone call [name redacted] if it is appropriate & should be encouraged. However, the conversations should not be upsetting for NAME & should not be stressful in anyway. The phone calls should not be around changing living / visiting arrangements. This can make the child feel pressurised & not listened to. These issues should be discussed between each parent away from the child. I have read this over & over again & I think that I have been fair? The issue that I am having is that 99% of the phone calls from her to him are very emotional & they leave him upset. The general things that she does is cry on the phone, ask him if he misses her & asks him if he loves her. I totally understand that all this she is finding difficult but the phone calls are upsetting my son to the point that he is saying that he feels like not talking to her. I mentioned this to her & I just politely said that it may be a good idea if she tried to centre the phone calls around how my son's day has been & not how she is feeling. She then told my son & myself as well as other people that I have said that she is not allowed to be emotional. This is not what I said at all.

She cancelled seeing him on Tuesday because she felt stressed then has phoned him up each evening crying about how she misses him. Also, he phones her up after school which he did as normal on Wednesday. His mums boyfriend has an habit of answering his mums mobile phone which he did. He then started telling my son how he just wanted them to be a happy family. I wasn't happy about this at all to be honest. I have already asked my son's mum to not involve her boyfriend about our issues & the reply I got from him was "what are you going to f@cking do?"

I am now considering contacting his mum explaining that her phone calls are upsetting our Son & if it doesn't stop then I may have to limit the phone calls. Am I being too harsh here? Yesterday evening it happened & my son became upset & snapped at her on the phone because all she was doing was been emotional. He then felt guilty & couldn't sleep. To me it feels like she is trying to guilt my son into wanting to go back. I think it's all just having an emotional effect on my Son & isn't good for his mental healthy growing up.

Instead of that I'd be more inclined to give your son skills to deal with those phone calls and empowering him to be able to deal with it in an age appropriate fashion.

Don't engage with the boyfriend and don't be seen to impede or limit access to your ex.

Does your post have your sons name in it? May want to get it deleted and repost with out it.

@MMadness

Instead of that I'd be more inclined to give your son skills to deal with those phone calls and empowering him to be able to deal with it in an age appropriate fashion.

I can certainly try this thanks.

Don't engage with the boyfriend and don't be seen to impede or limit access to your ex.

I do not engage with the boyfriend if I can help it. However, if I speak to my son's mum on the phone she puts it on loud speaker & then he starts to interfere. With regards to impeding / limiting access. I have to limit access as it is not safe for my son to be there so I am not too sure what you mean by this?

Don't think you can tell his mother what to do, as she may not comply anyway. She has prioritised drugs and boyfriend over her son, and you have rightly stepped up to parent. The custody and access arrangements need to be formalised in family court. Personally I would not permit her to see your son at all while there are drugs issues and manipulation. A court may determine that she can have supervised access, but as your boy gets older then there is a risk that he will see their lifestyle as normal. Your son may benefit from counselling, and you could ask your GP about this. I congratulate you on your parenting and clear determination to protect your son from harm. In the circumstances, this needs to be formalised in court as it offers you stability and security. You need to work with the court system, and their social work team, to express your justified concerns about drugs and emotional harm. There is no point trying to have a rational conversation with your ex or her new man, and just focus on using the appropriate legal channels to do what is best by your child.

@Wombatstew

Does your post have your sons name in it? May want to get it deleted and repost with out it.

Yes I thought I had taken it out but I missed it once! How do I delete the post?

@scoobydoo1971

Don't think you can tell his mother what to do, as she may not comply anyway. She has prioritised drugs and boyfriend over her son, and you have rightly stepped up to parent. The custody and access arrangements need to be formalised in family court. Personally I would not permit her to see your son at all while there are drugs issues and manipulation. A court may determine that she can have supervised access, but as your boy gets older then there is a risk that he will see their lifestyle as normal. Your son may benefit from counselling, and you could ask your GP about this. I congratulate you on your parenting and clear determination to protect your son from harm. In the circumstances, this needs to be formalised in court as it offers you stability and security. You need to work with the court system, and their social work team, to express your justified concerns about drugs and emotional harm. There is no point trying to have a rational conversation with your ex or her new man, and just focus on using the appropriate legal channels to do what is best by your child.

Yes I think the legal way is the only way in this instance. I am led to believe that you cannot go through the court system unless you have tried mediation. I have suggested this to his mum & his mum has declined & said that she doesn't want anyone else involved so I am not too sure what I can do in this situation? I may have to talk to a solicitor.

I think you need to report it.

I’ve reported as you forgot to remove your sons name.

@MNHQ will be able to edit it for you.

As PP said you can’t tell your ex what to do or how to behave during her contact,
But you can advise your son to tell his mother if he is unhappy with the conversation and hang up the phone if he is being upset/made to feel uncomfortable.

It may be difficult for him to say so maybe teaching him something along the lines of ‘mum I don’t like talking about this, let’s talk about school/football/etc instead’
‘Mum I don’t like talking about this so I need to say goodbye now.’

Hopefully that will get through to her eventually and she will stop with the emotional blackmail.

@Elementalillusions

I’ve reported as you forgot to remove your sons name.

@MNHQ will be able to edit it for you.

Fantastic, thank you :)

As PP said you can’t tell your ex what to do or how to behave during her contact,
But you can advise your son to tell his mother if he is unhappy with the conversation and hang up the phone if he is being upset/made to feel uncomfortable.*

It may be difficult for him to say so maybe teaching him something along the lines of ‘mum I don’t like talking about this, let’s talk about school/football/etc instead’
‘Mum I don’t like talking about this so I need to say goodbye now.’

Hopefully that will get through to her eventually and she will stop with the emotional blackmail.

Great advice & thank you. I don't want to sound like I am telling her what to say & do during contact. I want to avoid this if possible. My son normally says to her "mum can you please stop doing this or I will have to put the phone down because it is upsetting me. She then uses that against him. I suppose she cannot stop him putting the phone down on her if she carries on with this behaviour. He has gone as far as to tell her that he will stop answering the phone if she doesn't stop it. These are his words & not mine by the way.

Have a talk to him about boundaries in general. Why they are important and how they need to be in place will all people in his life, including you. Also that boundaries change over time depending on the situation.

Then you can discuss what boundaries he wants with his mum and how to go about establishing them and enforcing them.

That’s awful.

Maybe you should tell him to tell her at the start of the call that if she says things that will upset him he will hang up, and when she inevitably start with the emotional blackmail he can just Immediately hang up on her and then sent her a text saying I will speak to you again when you want to change immediately hang up on her and then he can send her a text saying ‘i hung up because I asked you not to upset me by talking like that. I will speak to you again when have calmed down and you want to change the subject’

He can then just copy and paste the text message each time.

I may even go as far as to install an app on his phone (if his phone is the right kind of model) that records phone calls, I have one on my 12 year old DS’s iPhone), that way you will have a record of the emotional manipulation should this ever go to court.

@Aussiebean

Have a talk to him about boundaries in general. Why they are important and how they need to be in place will all people in his life, including you. Also that boundaries change over time depending on the situation.

Then you can discuss what boundaries he wants with his mum and how to go about establishing them and enforcing them.

Thank you. We regularly have a sit down & chat about things including the situation with his mum. I try to remain neutral & allow him to give me his opinion & feelings. I have explained that people including our parents should not behave in a way that makes us feel uncomfortable & if it does we have the right to address the issue. I have explained that in most instances we are powerless over other peoples behaviour & actions but we have full control over how we react to those people. He appears to have a good understanding & I think it helps that he does Personal Development at school. I do make sure that he knows that he should always be careful how he talks to people & there is a right & wrong way to address issues with people.

I think this is why he is telling his mum that he will stop answering the phone if she keeps upsetting him. I guess this is his way of setting boundaries. I shall revisit this topic with him this evening.

@Elementalillusions

That’s awful

Maybe you should tell him to tell her at the start of the call that if she says things that will upset him he will hang up, and when she inevitably start with the emotional blackmail he can just Immediately hang up on her and then sent her a text saying I will speak to you again when you want to change immediately hang up on her and then he can send her a text saying ‘i hung up because I asked you not to upset me by talking like that. I will speak to you again when have calmed down and you want to change the subject’

Good idea thanks. He constantly tells her that he will put the phone down & he has on a few occasions but she doesn't seem to be able to stop herself. Plus I don't particularly like him putting the phone down on her but a few people have now said that this may be the way to help the situation so I guess it is not as bad as I first thought. I guess if he is straight & upfront with her & tells her what he will do if she continues then there is no harm in doing it?

I may even go as far as to install an app on his phone (if his phone is the right kind of model) that records phone calls, I have one on my 12 year old DS’s iPhone), that way you will have a record of the emotional manipulation should this ever go to court.

He has a rather old phone at the moment but I am getting him an iPhone for Xmas so I shall definitely look into this.

I know it’s generally not a good lesson to teach your child but it in these circumstances it may be the only way he can be protected from her behaviour and hopefully if she realises that behaving the way she does is only going to end the contact she may eventually stop.

It’s an awful situation to be in but it sounds like you are doing a great job trying to protect him.

You sound like a great dad.

Perhaps when he puts the phone down, teach him to do it in as calm a way as possible.

"Mum, I've asked you not to do this. It's better if we speak when you can be calmer. I love you, and I'm looking foward to talking to you when we can talk properly"