In laws are horrid!

[User0000011]

This is probably going to be a long one. So please bare with.

Me and my partner have been together 10 years in March. At first, his family were lovely towards me. I got on with all of them. Good friends with his brother and sister and they all loved our children when we had them.
However, his mother favours the his brother and sister over him. And when his brother got a new girlfriend, his mother started being vile towards/about me. They then went on to having their own babies, and my children were, not so much forgotten about, but she compares them to my two. Saying how my two are super naughty and saying I'm a rubbish mum etc. Which isn't true. I do, and always have done my best for my children. Yes, they have their moments, but all kids are "naughty" at some point, aren't they?
She has turned their family against me. Even his brother. She said when they had their babies, that I'm jealous of them, and they hate me and his brothers girlfriend talking. They call me all sorts and say lots of horrid things behind my back.
We figured that we couldn't afford to buy everyone for christmas so we are just going to buy for children. My family are amazing and understand as we are expecting another baby (which his sister also said she doesn't care about), etc. But his mum says that it's ungrateful as we've asked people just to buy for the children and not us. She tried to guilt trip me into buying them something, and even tried telling me to get a loan for christmas.
I honestly wouldnt mind all the back stabbing if I was awful. But since me and my partner have been together, I have lended her money. I have gone to do her shopping when she couldn't. I have made sure they get things for special occasions (partner is useless at things like that unless it's for me lol), I have done and still do all sorts for them, and knowing what they really think of me absolutely kills me.

What would you do in this situation? Would you cut them off completely or just carry on being nice like I am doing? I don't really want to confront them, as they make a big deal out of everything and the kids and my partner gets stuck in the middle of everything. Plus, the way I find things out would also cause so much drama, I really dont wanna be splitting families up etc. I know that sounds petty, but I just know it would be more hassle than it's worth.

Thanks. X

This is another typical in-laws are evil post.
Let’s roll out the classic question - what does your other half think of the situation?

Simple cut them off why would you want to continue this awful destructive relationship. You and your family deserve better than this. Stand up for your family and don't put up with this.

What is your DH/P doing about this unpleasant situation. Is he putting you and his DC first?

Has your DH confronted his mom?

I think it's weird that people don't buy for their parents.
Obviously kids are an expense and it's fine to stop buying for siblings and in-laws if you're buying for their kids instead, we are doing this this year. But I couldn't not buy for my parents.

I'd just start leaving the relationship between your in laws and your nuclear family to your husband.

If he wants to take her shopping or organise presents then he can do so. It's not your responsibility just because you are married to him.

He can facilitate the relationship with his own parents.

Has your DH tackled them over their behaviour towards you?
Personally, I'd reduce contact with them to a minimum. Your DH can facilitate contact with the DC. I wouldn't go NC at this stage, mainly because I'd hate the fallout. But I'd definitely stop the pandering to them.

I’d do exactly as you want. Buy for the dc and ignore.

And why are you doing all this wifework is doing shopping for MIL, lending money, getting her gifts for special occasions?

You’ve set yourself up as the family doormat right there. They treat you with disdain because they know you’ll go running when they click their fingers.

You’re the one allowing them to mistreat you and your dc.

I wouldn’t be seen for dust around them in your position. I’d block them on everything and not tell them a thing about my kids and wouldn’t run any errands/favours for them. They’re your partners family and it sounds like he chooses to not get so deeply involved with them.

Your choice.

Would you cut them off completely or just carry on being nice like I am doing?

There's a middle path, of being civil but not putting yourself out. I wouldn't go out of your way to do them any more favours because they won't like you for it and you'll just get your feelings hurt. Cut them off completely? You need to talk to your DP about that.

Hi user,

Calling their behaviour "back stabbing" is really you not also understanding the scale of what you and he are up against here.

You wrote down what the underlying problem is in your initial post; the fact that his mother favour his siblings over him. People from such emotionally unhealthy families end up playing roles; your H is their family scapegoat with the others being more favoured. And now he has a family of his own you all get mistreated and scapegoated too. This is why they are behaving as they are; this is about power and control.

You are being a doormat and indirectly facilitating their abuse of your H and your family unit by being so accommodating towards them. Where are your boundaries here?. These have been far too low to date and need urgent raising.

What if anything does your DH think about his family's behaviours now?. Your H also needs therapy re his family of origin because this dynamic you describe predates you. This has been going on like this in their house since childhood and I doubt he can at all bring himself to tackle them at all, he has been well and truly squashed. He has been conditioned not to speak up and has learnt too that no-one in his family will listen to him. He is also mired in his own inertia (the fear of being put in the middle) fear, obligation and guilt. He really did luck out in the parents stakes and you likely come from a family yourself where thankfully this type of dysfunction is unknown.

I can see why you have acted as you have done but its not working and these people will continue to want to use you and use your own kindness against you (they really do see kindness as weakness). They will continue to scapegoat your children and favour his siblings kids. The "normal" rules of familial relations really do go out the window when it comes to parents like your DHs. Would you tolerate this type of behaviour from a friend, no you would not and family is no different. Lowering all forms of contact with these people going forward is the way forward for you all. No contact does not have to be a grand announcement either, it can just happen and certainly you can all make yourselves unavailable to them going forward. Whatever you decide your decision will not be respected by them and you may well get an all out smear campaign.

And be careful who you tell. People who haven’t been raised by such people may see any decision as cruel or an overreaction. You don’t need to deal with other’s judgments of you, particularly if they can’t relate personally to what you have experienced.

BTW you do not mention DHs dad in all this, where is he?.

Take a step back, let your OH deal with them, only see them in your home and only then when your OH is there.

Turn the outher check. Or play them at their own game. My mil brings up her granddaughter as her own daughter and she thinks she is the best in the world. I don't listen as I know that my children are more intelligent and smarter then the grandchild she is raising. She will go on and on about her untill I have to tell her to stop. It is frustrating as I have been a perent to 4 of her gcs. I almost think she is jelious of my perantal skills as all my dcs are intelligent and smart and have well paid jobs and her children have learning difficulties so don't look into it as the problem is there's stay out of it with the knowledge that your children are the best even if it is only you that thinks it. As it's a powerful energy to give to your dcs.

You say your boyfriend gets stuck in the middle. Doesn't he think you and his children take priority? Especially as you write your post like you've done nothing wrong in all this.

I would just like to add, my partner is fully supportive of me and our children and it annoys him just as much as it does me. Especially when he sees me upset over it. It is me who tells him not to confront them as I dont want them falling out over me. His family aren't ones to just listen and do something about it. They're the type to argue all day and night about it and twist it round on to us. And also make up lies etc to make things worse. I have anxiety issues as it is, and knowing the arguments and dramas are over me would make it 100 times worse.

Also, it's not about just not buying for parents. We literally have no money left over to buy anyone other than our children, and she tried making us feel bad for it. I feel bad as it is. I have cried over it. My mum feeds us on christmas day and goes all out for the kids, and we can't even afford to get her anything.

I have been civil with them knowing what they've said/done etc. If it wasnt for my partner and the kids I wouldnt have any contact with them at all x

"It is me who tells him not to confront them as I dont want them falling out over me".

Why are you doing this at all?. You are really not getting the dynamic here at all; their actions are not about you and them "falling out over you" (yet more minimisation because in all likelihood you have come from an emotionally healthy family yourself) but are all about wanting power and control over you and in turn your family. You've all been scapegoated by his mother. Stop tearing your own mental health further to shreds over his mother and her other family who are really not worth your time or any effort.

Do not continue to do the above, it does not work as an approach and after all he grew up within this family. He knows them far better than you do. Your appeasement and niceness towards his parents has not worked and they still hate you. They will continue to move the goalposts and nothing you do will ever be good enough for them.

Infact they would have acted the self same regardless of whom your DH got together with. His mother and her adoring acolytes will "fall out" amongst themselves and she would start an argument in an empty room.

Both of you need to present an absolute united front when it comes to his mother. You really do give poor reasons i.e. your partner and your kids for having any contact with his mother at all, infact they are no reason to keep in touch with such an awful person. I put it to you that you would not have tolerated this from a friend and his mother is no different.

I am not at all surprised to read this of them either:-
"His family aren't ones to just listen and do something about it. They're the type to argue all day and night about it and twist it round on to us. And also make up lies etc to make things worse".

Such people also never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. This is how they are with everybody and such people will indeed make your anxiety worse. You both need to stay the hell away from his mother. She was not a good parent to him when he was growing up and she has not changed since his own childhood.

It also does your children no favours at all to see you as their parents being so outright disrespected by their paternal grandmother and in turn your partner's siblings. You need radiators, not drains on you in your life. Your own mother is a radiator, his is a drain on you all.

Your partner needs to step up far more than he has done to date and say no more to being abused. I have explained why he may feel unable to do this but this is not just about him any more but his family unit, a unit he chose to create, as well. He cannot simply sit on the fence any more; he has to start asserting his own self and he needs therapy re his mother. Problem is he has been trained to put his own self (and now in turn his own family i.e you people) last and he may still seek her approval even now. He may well hope that on some level his mother will still even now change and become a nicer person. That won't happen either.

My partner has tried to explain to them how he feels in regards to how she treats him and she is indenial and blamed him which resulted in him just leaving their house as he just wasn't being listened to.

I love my in laws but it is my DPs responsibility to buy them things for occasions etc as he is their son. Why are you doing so much for him?
Just stop doing it. Your DP can take the brunt if his parents are being twats.

Sorry off topic but if you are so hard up that you can't afford to buy your parents a small gift then why are you bringing another child into the equation? How do you propose to provide for the new baby?

I dont mean I pay for it all. I mean i go out and get them things. My partner works a lot, and he doesnt really have the time. So if I didnt do it, they wouldnt get anything. Which is obviously fair enough for some, but even if that did happen, they would still blame me for it. Not him.

@TopOftheNaughtyList we have had issues with our landlord where she has asked for extra payments of rent before now, and as a result, we got behind on other bills. So we are currently getting back up to date with those and setting those as a priority. It's not that we don't have money. It's that other things prioritise over buying gifts for people for Christmas.

They sound awful but be careful.
My parents hated my ex husband and made it obvious. In the end it destroyed our marriage. There were other factors as well but this was part of it.
If someone constantly feels pulled two ways something will snap.
I'd ask MiL when hubbie isn't around what makes her such a miserable cow.

Cut contact. Don't send the kids round there unsupervised either. She'll abuse them too. Which is what she is doing to you - exploiting your kind nature and then slandering you to all and sundry. Making you and your partner feel 'not good enough'. Your husband was the scapegoat child. Now you all are.

Ideally, move somewhere far off and cut contact. It might seem extreme, but she will ruin your family given half a chance. Having had a gran who was a narcissist - I wish my mother had protected me from her. Because she was so toxic to me when my mum wasn't around.

Protect your family.