Cocky or nervous?

[daffodilrosedaisy]

Hi everyone,

I met up with someone from uni a few weeks ago. We didn’t really know each other whilst at uni but got chatting on social media around a year ago, it was on and off just about what we were up to now and then we got really chatting around September and found we had quite a lot of similar interests. He’d suggested meeting up for a chat over coffee and so we did - he met me after work. I’m super socially anxious and had been sort of dreading it all day, plus I couldn’t gauge the vibe as we’d started putting a kiss (so not in the dating know anymore!) so wasn’t sure whether we were meeting as friends or more.

My ex was a narcissist (at best!) and constantly used to subtly talk himself up and had an overinflated ego. I’m hyper aware of it now. Well I found this guy really dominated a lot of the conversation, talked about himself a lot (like would answer my questions and not ask any back) etc and I generally felt like I wasn’t really getting a word on edge ways. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt a bit and wasn’t sure if he actually is a bit egotistical or if he was just nervous and wanting to impress me. He’s suggested meeting again and I’m unsure. Any advice?

TIA

I'd give it another go and see! First meetings can be skewed with nerves and angst. If you meet again and get the same vibe then ditch!

If he didn't ask about you at all then I'd elbow him. It's obviously one sided. Red flag for me.

I think go with your gut, why question yourself.

Someone talking about themselves is arrogant and if you sensed it then listen to your intuition.

He did ask a bit but it wasn’t as much as I was asking him if that makes sense... but I don’t know if my prev bad experience has made me hyper aware of it. Another thing he did was flick through some of his travel photos and talk about them (my ex used to go through all his tagged pics on fb and make me sit through and listen about them which is why it made me like ummm) ha but maybe you’re right maybe a second meet would clarify things a bit

There were good bits like we had really intelligent interesting convo, a lot of shared interests etc (niche interests that not many ppl our age share)

Did he ask you about yourself during the chat before meeting? Did he seem interested in you and your life and interests? If so, and I liked him other than this dominating the conversation thing, I'd give him another chance. But if, on reflection it had been 'all about him' pre-meet up, then I'd ditch.

No he was asking plenty of questions before (though think it’s easier to balance that kind of convo on text, like it’s harder to talk all about yourself otherwise people don’t reply if you don’t ask them q’s) - wasn’t expecting him to be like that before. My best friend at uni (who knew my ex well) said he’s really nice (they’d been on a uni trip together) and was really encouraging of us meeting up

I think I personally would give him another chance then. I'd just gauge it and if he went on too much next time then I'd not bother again. I do think nerves play a part, particularly if he was really keen...

I would go on a second date..... He could just be very nervous.

I'm someone who talks a lot on a date if I'm really nervous, like non stop nattering.

Date 2 will help you get a better sense of him.

Give him another chance but if he does it again, don't go for a third date.

Are you confident, and cheeky enough to say to him "you talk far too much about yourself you know ;-)"

I did this recently to a friend and it's broken the ice on our friendship. I also feel like I can tell him when he's being an arrogant dick ! Sometimes guys just need to be told.

If you like him enough then go on another date but tell him if it's turning into the "me, me, me show". He may like your directness and confess to being nervous, or not, in which case he's not for you ;-)

Thanks everyone, I think I will give it another go (I know I’ll be more relaxed the second time so if it was nerves for him then maybe he will be too) but if it’s the same then won’t bother a third time.

Yes, I agree with a previous poster. If you like him enough, it's worth taking the piss in a gentle way. I do this with a friend who talks about themself a lot but I love his company anyway. I say, 'Wow, anyway, let's talk about you because I've been really monopolising the conversation.' He laughs and shuts up for a while

Did you ever feel like you were just waiting for your turn to speak and when you did, you hurried because you felt like he was desperately waiting his turn? That is a sure sign you are with a particularly overt narcissist.

But the talking about himself is probably warning enough.

Trust your gut. You aren't being paranoid.

Thanks everyone. I’m gonna see how it goes... lay off a bit and see if he makes the effort to arrange a second meeting. I’m just a tiny bit unsure so I don’t want to be the one doing the chasing.

I didn’t think he was waiting his turn as such, but I did feel a bit like he wasn’t entirely listening to what I was saying because he knew what he was going to say next if that makes sense, and I didn’t get as much time to elaborate on stuff e.g. he’d talk about travelling for 15 mins and I’d talk about it for maybe 2/3. He deffo dominated the conversation and usually I’m quite chatty.