Should I wait for my Husband

[Lashes5687]

Advice is needed please. I have been with my husband for 16 years, married for 3, have 2 children, 4 year old & 10 month old. We met as teenagers.
In July he told me he had changed as a person that basically he was someone who was fed up of lying about certain lifestyle choices (cocaine) as I have always never wanted it. He was saying he has pictured his life without me & he was questioning his happiness that he has always felt he has never wanted to rock the boat & now has resentment for me for certain aspects of our life together. He spent time away but nothing got better with him becoming this new person it caused lots of destruction. The drug side was talked about & an agreement sort of made but it got worse I gave an inch he took a mile.
He left officially 7 weeks ago saying he hasn't left me but has left the family home. He spiraled for the first 4 weeks being away alcohol, drugs & gambling. He hit breaking point & said some worrying things. Since then he still is not any more clearer in his head but seems in a bad place. He says he still loves me & wants us to be happy but needs to sort himself out once and for all but then will also say stuff about me as if I am causing it.
He started councelling last night, he spends regular time at home seeing the children & he says he still wants to see me & spend time with me. I have threatened about moving on he has said he doesn't want me to but doesn't think it is fair to ask me to wait. There is still a lot of affection from him but whatever Chao's is going on in his head he is causing a lot of damage & suffering with me.
I have no idea what to do. I am emotionally drained from it all.

To be honest I think you have reached the end of the line here with him. Sorry.

The only person you can control in this situation is you. And in your position, I would tell him that you are done waiting and giving him space and you're moving on. Then mobilise your friends, make plans and do things that you love doing.

From what you've said, if he really wanted to be with you, he would be showing you that with his actions not half arsed promises. He wants to keep you hanging until he's ready. Fuck that. You deserve better.

If you feel you want to move on, that is okay. Do that. Him having his time away to sort himself is fine but he doesn’t get to tell you what to do or how to live. If it’s over and you want to leave him you should.

I think it's you that needs the break not him. It's very unfair and quite selfish of him to put you on 'hold' whilst he has his crisis. The blaming is really not on. He sounds very self pitying. Are you able to get some help with the children to give you some space to work out what you want to do? Even a night out for a meal/drink and a chat with someone you trust. It's you that needs support, not him. What an awful position to put you in. Can you imagine a life without him? Would you be able to manage? Try to detach from his problems and nurture yourself. You don't deserve this.

I would be getting a solicitor faster than he can turn around. He is doing nothing but fucking you around. He's an addict and a liar, and I would be done with him.

Wouldn’t want a druggie round my kids. Sounds like he’s keeping you in the wings just in case.

Do not wait for him to get clean and stay clean.

Visit a solicitor asap

You say he has regular contact with the children but he has been away for 7 weeks, 4 of which were a massive bender. That doesn't sound good for the children. Or you.

Hold the phone .. he's not sure and your left holding the baby so to speak! F*ck that.. what you waiting for, waste not a minute longer on his sorry ass.

You’re his little woman at home to come back to when he’s done doing whatever fuckery he’s getting up to.
Don’t wait. Move on. He’s a bellend

Nope, he’s having his cake and eating it right now!

So he wants to use hardcore drugs and you be cool with it, with two young kids in the house? Sounds like he's holding out waiting for you to break.
Break it off instead

I think if he really wanted to work it out he would be trying to sort himself out not choose to go on a 4 week bender. He sounds like he wants to live his lifestyle of drink and drugs, see you and the kids on his terms - great for him... i think for sake of your kids move on...

No. Move on.

If he sorts himself out and you're available, all the better. But don't count on it. While he thinks you're waiting he has no reason to get better.

Hi OP, so you met as teenagers but didn't have kids until the 12th yr of your relationship, so he cant say he settled down to soon, what other reasons does he give for wanting to escape reality? because that's what he's doing. And if this has been going on since July but hes only just started counselling it's too soon to tell, you could emotionally distance yourself just let him come round sober to see the kids, be friendly but not emotionally involved with him, give it till Spring and see how you feel and how he recovers or not. It your call not his. X

You are worth more than that.

Hi OP

I'm sorry but I don't think that you should wait for him to get his act together and choose you.

Do you think that he might be trying to push you to end it, so that he doesn't have to? Or holding out for you to agree to his partying lifestyle and shut up complaining about it

The nonsense about him having left the family home but not left you is laughable.

I think his behaviour is despicable, opting out of family life, leaving you with 2 small children, while he parties on.

It's a difficult decision, but don't let him dictate the terms of your life.

Maybe, after a year, if he's still off the drugs and still in counselling or with some kind of support group, you can reconsider your position ...

I feel I need to add after having 4 weeks of spiraling he hates himself has said no one deserves that. Has excluded himself from all gambling sites, reduced the drinking & not taken any drugs & does not want to be. He did not see the children one day during all his spiraling because he had messaged me the night before to tell me he had done drugs so he did not see them.
He is making changes to sort himself out but nothing in him right now is to sort the marriage out its very much about him. Do I wait until the councelling has got somewhere & he becomes more stable or am I setting myself up for the outcome that is already here. I don't want to move on as I feel there is still some hope but I am not sure how much longer I can do this for.

He hasn't even stopped drinking.

It will be years before you know if he can stay clean.

I don't think you should be giving so much access to someone so unstable who isn't even sober yet never mind well-established sober. You need to detach a lot even if you aren't ready to move on. Your children need you strong and healthy. They don't need you letting a junkie in the house. Mainly they need you in a good place. If that means detaching from him then that's what you have to do.

You need counselling for yourself. Try al-anon and the equivalents for families of drug and gambling addicts. You'll get great support from people who know what it is like.

Would you really choose a man who chooses coke over his own children?

Chumplady.com

In your shoes my marriage would be over. My husband know this, he didn’t do drugs before meeting me so didn’t have to stop anything, but I made it clear that it was a boundary that I would not be prepared to have him cross. It sounds like you have done said similar in the past, if you have then I would stick to your boundaries.

Can you speak with your in-laws about his drinking and drug taking? In your shoes I would arrange for your in-laws (or your own parents) to be there for any contact. You deserve to be loved and respected and prioritised! Your babies deserve to be their Fathers number one priority!

I hate to suggest this, but it is very likely that your husband has been either having an affair, or had his head turned. All of it sounds like a skirt chase to be honest and reads very much like the script! I’m sure there must be a website somewhere, advising men what to say when they are cheating on their wife! Unfortunately cocaine and sex tend to go together, it could be that whoever he had his eye on has rejected him once she realised he was turning into a drunken drug addict. Or perhaps was also in a relationship and didn’t want to leave her partner.

For the above reason, I would be reducing your contact with him as far as possible. Which is why I would try to arrange for your parents or his parents or even a friend to supervise contact.

I wouldn’t entrust my precious babies into the unsupervised hands of a drunk on a comedown.

I would move on mentally. You don’t need to start dating, but do things for yourself! Go to the gym, get your hair done, buy yourself clothes that you feel good in. You are Mummy to two little ones and it’s easy to lose yourself and become Mummy. Discover you again, if you have a babysitter then go out with your friends, or take up a new hobby. You have been part of a couple and then Mummy for years. It’s time to be @Lashes5687 again and find out what that means, what you like, what you dislike, what your boundaries are, and who you are apart from being Mummy or wife.

Once you have done this, you can then make a decision about whether you give your ex another go, or you move on. There is no hurry, but don’t let him hold you back - my guess is he will panic when he sees you rediscover yourself, he will likely assume you are seeing someone and might even turn nasty out of jealousy. Don’t let him make you feel any guilt- his behaviour is appalling and he doesn’t get to dictate to you what you wear or who you see.