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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help :(

22 replies

Rach8790 · 05/12/2019 14:26

Hello,

I have come to you for advice. Myself and my ex were engaged and together for 5 years. We postponed our wedding, due to the grief of me losing my father.

The past year of our relationship was hard and we mutually decided to break up.

He has bought me out of our house and become very cold, deleting all pictures of me from social media this year and now myself from social media, as he believes I cannot deal with the break up. I have angered him, as I have constantly bombarded him with texts since our break up.

I want him back to much. He tells me one thing one day and something different the next. He goes from telling me he will never come back, to saying he can't say never, as he didn't think it would happen. He rang me one day to say that he had thought have we made a mistake after telling me the day before he would never come back. He told me on Tuesday in the morning my actions would show what I wanted when I said I wanted him back, to that evening saying that he categorically wouldn't come back to me and it was unfair to lead me on. But in 3 weeks/3 months he would contemplate adding me on social media again. as he wanted to see that I was happy. He has said several times that I just haven't left him alone and constantly sent him message after message which have been hurtful and emotional. I admit I accused him of being with people I know, and said some not nice things.

I am so confused. He is so angry when we talk and I am unsure if this is because of the bombardment. Should I give him no contact and space?

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 05/12/2019 14:58

yes. completely ignore him. let him contact you if he wants. in my experience men hate it when they are contacted too much when they don't want it.

cordeliavorkosigan · 05/12/2019 15:00

Sounds like he’s really playing you and likes your attention and desire. Such a head fuck, don’t have any contact with him.

Cloudyapples · 05/12/2019 15:01

He’s keeping you as an option. That’s not fair to you op - cut him off.

puds11 · 05/12/2019 15:03

Definitely cut him off. No good will come of this.

Kit19 · 05/12/2019 15:09

Sorry OP but you need to cease all contact with him

You’re just picking at an open wound - it’ll never heal & bluntly if he actually cared about you at all he wouldn’t do this.

Take control, go no contact & start moving on.

Techway · 05/12/2019 15:15

When did you break up? I would definitely not contact him, the more you respond emotionally the more he is aware you he has power over you.

How old are you? Breakups are tough and take time but you do always recover.

Faith50 · 05/12/2019 15:25

He his dangling you from a string and enjoying it too which makes it worse. The going back and forth on his word is destroying your confidence whilst giving you an element of hope to hang in there.

I would cut him off. It will be hard but you are worth so much more. You cannot spend your relationship/marriage dancing to his tune. I have been there. My ex of 17 years ago would say he wanted to break up just before I left his house. I would cry and try to sort things out and before making a miserable journey home. He almost had a smirk on his face. He did not know what hit him when I called it a day. We both knew the relationship had run its course and he hated that I was the one who ended it. I shudder when I think of how I let him break me down.

Original poster

Rach8790 · 06/12/2019 10:35

Thank you.

I have found it very hard and even today I am very sad. He wont initiate contact, but if I contact him he will reply.

When we speak, its something different and 2 weeks ago he was angry on the phone as he told me he was stupid for doubting whether us breaking up was the right thing to do and if we had made a mistake. The Monday on the phone, as I may have mentioned before, we had a heartfelt talk and he told me we would not get back together etc. It was very amicable and normal and I wished him well and happiness.

Tuesday this week he rang and said he didn't want me back, I said I wanted him back and he said that my actions would show what I wanted. He was angry as he had never been just left alone to process things and grieve us/miss me, it has just turned to anger as I had bombarded him. Tuesday night I was in tears and this time he would categorically never come back to me.

I don't know what to do in terms of winning him back, he is very stubborn and told me he could lie and lead me on, but categorically he would not return or talk to me again. I then wished him a happy birthday yesterday, and he replied straight away thank you.

OP posts:

SuperbMonkey · 06/12/2019 10:41

I am so sorry for you. You sound as if you are in pain. I don’t think that there is any way for you to win him back. The best solution is for you to focus on yourself for a while and make your life as brilliant as it can be without him. I say this as someone who wishes I had taken my own advice.

Original poster

Rach8790 · 06/12/2019 10:48

Thank you. I am just so hurt that everytime we talk it is something different and he fluctuates so much. He has told me he will never love someone so much. I don't know whether the issue is because I never actually did give him that time to miss me or reflect, which he has told me several times he needed.

OP posts:

MyMajesty · 06/12/2019 10:53

I don't know what to do in terms of winning him back

You can't do anything.

Read the previous posts.
Stop contacting this man.

SuperbMonkey · 06/12/2019 10:56

Please don’t blame yourself. This is not down to anything you have done. He is playing with your emotions because it makes him feel powerful. He should have supported you following the death of your father. He is ‘an entitled man’ i.e. as soon as you needed support ‘the past year of your relationship became hard’. The coldness and manipulation are part of the pattern of behaviour. And a split was ‘agreed’. People in loving relationships do not need time to miss their partners, especially when they have been engaged. People may need time apart to reflect. The outcome may be permanent separation. Whatever, though, you have to live your own brilliant life while he is showing you by his actions who he really is. Don’t let yourself down by wasting your life.

Original poster

Rach8790 · 06/12/2019 13:07

Thank you everyone. I just feel like I'm being left as a what if. That if he had that time to reflect, he would have come back. That 2 weeks ago, he would have come back if I would have left him to it to process the break up, as he feels he 'hasn't had a weekend to himself' since the break up without me being mean.

OP posts:

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 06/12/2019 13:28

You need to cut all contact- go cold turkey. Block your ex on social media and delete his number from your phone, and every time you want to send a message, instead send it to yourself or write it down, then screw the paper up and throw it in the bed.

Take back power, he won’t have any interest in you, if he thinks you are desperate to get back with him. You are giving your ex the knowledge he needs to have control over you. Take that off him.

Take care of yourself, treat yourself to a new hair do, new clothes, take up a new hobby. Move on with your life, then if he really does love you (and you deem him worthy of you) then it will work out. But if not, you have rediscovered who you are, outside of being in a relationship.

Original poster

Rach8790 · 06/12/2019 14:30

Thank you, that is helpful. It is hard, as he has said I should have just given him time nad space

OP posts:

GinUnicorn · 06/12/2019 14:38

It’s horrible losing someone you love and when you are in the middle of it seeing clearly it’s impossible.

You can survive having your heart broken and you will find someone else but please don’t try and win this man back. You can’t force anyone to love you and you deserve better.

Unfortunately if he wanted to be with you he would be. Spend some time being kind to yourself. You will find someone better but you need to heal first

luckylady69 · 06/12/2019 15:16

I need advice, My Brother is living with his 2nd ex Wife in her condo. How do I address their Christmas Card? Thank You. Jeanne Lazzaro

Skiessoblue · 06/12/2019 15:58

Luckylady69 - you should start your own thread...
But to answer your question - 'ex' wife? 'their'? I'm not divorced, but if I was, I wouldn't be expecting a joint card. Send them a card each....

Mary1935 · 06/12/2019 16:33

Hi OP block him - you are both struggling to move on but you need to cut loose otherwise it will carry on. Please try not to sleep with him either.

luckylady69 · 06/12/2019 17:59

To Skiessoblue. Appreciate your help. Wouldn't send them seperate Christmas Cards, Thank You again, Luckylady69

LobsterQuadrille2 · 06/12/2019 20:47

@luckylady69 I send a lot of Christmas cards to people who are a couple (some married, some not) who have different surnames. On the envelope I simply put "Henry and Mabel" followed by the address.

luckylady69 · 06/12/2019 21:00

To LobsterQuadrille2 I do appreciate your help. Thank You! Lucklady69.

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