Is there a term for this behaviour or was I just love bombed or used?

[mellowyellow2]

I was married for years with children. Husband left for another woman. Before this, I had felt lonely and neglected and disrespected for years. He was a lazy, entitled slob who resented having children's needs come before his, an emotionally immature man who treated us with contempt and disdain.
I became very close to a male colleague, we became friends.I can see now that this was a symptom of my loneliness.He became flirty, complimentary, attached and WhatsApp contact could go on all day and night despite working together al day.I loved the attention the flattery and the companionship.He confided in me about lots of personal issues.I advised.
After a year or so of increased contact, I felt it was crossing the line so I asked him to pull back a little. He was devastated he said. I was terribly lonely again. He pushed boundaries and I allowed that.
During this time, he dated others then and met a girl.I felt jealous especially as he was still trying to keep up contact all of the time and being inappropriate. He then all but stopped contact for six weeks some months ago and messaged to say that he felt we needed to detach for obvious reasons!!!!I immediately agreed telling him that we should have detached a long long time ago considering his relationship was getting serious!I was single at this time.
He is still in this relationship and his behaviour suggests that none of this actually ever happened ... like I was always like a sister to him and he appreciates the friendship.Like he has completely rewritten history to suit his conscience .
I realise now that I was possibly an ego boost for a very very selfish man who continues to treat women like shit .
What happened here.. any idea?

Sorry you’re feeling hurt but it sounds like you both used each other and he is the one who eventually made the decision to cut ties.

Whilst what he done is shitty, it doesn’t sound like the best of ‘relationships’ in the first place.

Sorry!

Thanks. There was no physical contact besides a drunken peck.
So you think his behaviour was shitty? So I'm not over reacting?

You used each other to fill a gap in your lives. It sounds as if you saw more in the relationship than he did. You knew he was seeing others and it sounds like the only real thing he did wrong was try to keep some contact after you asked him to reign in the relationship. However you don't say you ended it only to pull back a little. When he found he had a new steadier relationship with someone else he wanted to stop. Doesn't sound too bad. You needed to either tell him initially that you wanted the relationship to end rather than 'pull back' or that you wanted a different more personal relationship.
It sounds as if he wanted you as a close confident similar to the friendship some women have, leaning on each other emotionally. He no longer needed that prop and moved on, so should you.

Predators target the vulnerable and manipulate them. Getting people to go along with them is a game they play.
There are always people who will tell the victims of predators that they went along with it out of choice. They are wrong. Predatory men conceal their true intention behind a pretense of a relationship.

Open the link to this book and search for 'The Player'.
Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

Thanks. I agree with you on the majority of that. Thanks for helping me see through it. His contact with me remained the same intensity for approx a year into his relationship with him boasting about how his relationship was all on his terms and how he finally found a relationship where all his needs were met, so I didn't really take it seriously, based on the way he spoke about her.

@Thelnebriati do you think he was a predator? I can say that I know for sure that he has very damaging experiences from childhood and his attitude , to women who like to celebrate their sexuality and semsualityin an overt way, makes me uncomfortable.i have strong reason to believe that he is gay/ bi.He is insulted by that idea.
He likes women to be innocent,make up free, artificial anything free.. hair/ eyelash/ nail extensions free. His now girlfriend has changed her look entirely over the course of their relationship.

"After a year or so of increased contact, I felt it was crossing the line so I asked him to pull back a little. He was devastated he said."

Sounds like he might have been interested in you until you said it was too much. You told him he wouldn't be getting a relationship from you so he found one with someone else.

I don't see that anyone has done anything wrong here at all, you pulled back, he was hurt, he pulled back, you were hurt. Sounds to me like he was an ego boost for you just as much as you were for him.

He's in a relationship now and has drawn a reasonable boundary, he's more than allowed to do that.

OP - your post is a bit unclear as to when you and this man started getting closer - is it while you were still with your H?
Is that why you and the new guy never went further? So - I am presuming he was already in his current relationship when your H left?

Anyway - I don’t think he is a ‘predator’. Not sure what makes him that in this scenario.
You and him were in lonely places - shared and became close, with some attraction mixed in. It’s not a star closed lovers story - and both of you most likely see it very differently. Just because he was flirty with you - doesn’t mean he had deep feelings and only stayed away because of moral boundaries.

Not sure what recognition of the past you are expecting and what you’d like him to do. You never really did have a relationship.
He is only doing the right thing for his current partner and him.

Yes that timeline is right pp. sometimes I think he saw me as desperately unhappy in my relationship and took advantage as he was also lonely at that time then other times I think he just enjoyed the mutual
Ego boosting and emotional crutch that ceased to be of use once he found another woman who adored him and fed his ego and tolerated his self obsession.

You sound bitter, OP. Is that because, maybe subconsciously you expected him to wait for you on the side and eventually you two would make your way towards a relationship?

He didn’t take advantage. He didn’t somehow lure you into an illicit relationship using your unhappiness. Didn’t fill your head with fantasies of emotions you were craving.
Someone else - probably could. He - didn’t.

Both of you had each other as confidants. Both. You got as much out of that friendship as he did.
Both of you would have been much lonelier and sadder had you not had the other for support.
He was single. And he found someone available for a relationship. You were not. He did a right thing. Not sure why you need to belittle it.

As to him preferring a natural look - what is wrong with that? I do as well and extension of all kinds - hair, nail, eyelashes - look weird to me. Too much makeup as well. It doesn’t make him bi or gay.

You really need to move on and focus on your life.

Predators target the vulnerable and manipulate them.

They don't always target. you can't tell if someone is vulnerable by looking at someone.

Vulnerable people often ignore red flags because they want someone.

Strong, emotionally-aware and securely attached people are far better at spotting red flags and walking away pronto.

He is still in this relationship and his behaviour suggests that none of this actually ever happened ... like I was always like a sister to him and he appreciates the friendship.
Ego boosting and emotional crutch that ceased to be of use once he found another woman who adored him and fed his ego and tolerated his self obsession.

Sounds more like he simply found a girlfriend and he does indeed see you now as a 'sister' figure while you see him more as a potential 'boyfriend'.

Two people needing companionship, you weren't ready for it to go further it sounds as if he was. You reined it back, he moved on and found a new friendship.

He hasn't done wrong, you need to move on and find yourself someone if your after a relationship.

Thanks to everybody for
Replying .your advice helped me to make sense of it. I possibly didn't communicate my thoughts properly and should have said that a sexual relationship was never on the cards from either of us. Me as I'm not attracted to him and him because he isn't that sexual by his own admission so I took that to mean me and women he has had relationships with, in general, from his conversations.
Perhaps I am am bitter that I was dumped as a friend so quickly and that he was so unsupportive during my split.
To clarify,his sexuality and disgust with anything artificial on women and the way he speaks about them Lately are totally separate .iI thought in context that it was relevant that his girlfriend originally had all the artificial enhancements that he so despises and now has none whatsoever.