My relationship with me

[Sleepyhollow71]

So, I hope it’s okay for me to post this here. I didn’t know where else to post it. This might be long, so apologise in advance as I’m trying not to drip feed.

I don’t particularly like myself . It’s not that I’m a nasty person or anything (at least I don’t think I am), I always try to help people the best I can and make time for people.

I don’t have a lot of self confidence, very low self esteem. I feel I am a burden and I’m depressed. I’ve been depressed for a very long time. Seen therapists, been in antidepressants, nothing works. I don’t think I’m very good at anything and I feel quite worthless, so I think I was just put on this earth as some sort of joke, for someone to laugh at.

I didn’t have a good childhood, parents alcoholics, although I know I was loved, but alcohol And cigarettes came first, so they loved them more than me. I was bullied at school, I was that child that no one wanted to play with. I distinctly remember joining in a game at school when I was 5, and out of all the group bar one everyone said they weren’t playing if I was playing as I was smelly! That has stuck with me. The bullying didn’t just stop at school, I was bullied by a particular girl from my village, I was terrified of her, so much so I hated going out as she was always waiting for me. I tried to tell my mum and she did pull the girl up but it didn’t matter. Even when I still see her know I’m frightened and I’m nearly 50. I was sexually assaulted by some boys from my village because I had big boobs. I never told my parents that, I just thought it would become worse as the bullying became worse.

I am married and he is a lovely man but we have had our ups and downs. When I think back to how he treated me when we were younger(whole other thread) I wonder why I stuck with him, I know it’s because I thought I was so ugly I wouldn’t get anyone else. He was my first boyfriend, and I married young (18). He doesnt treat me bad now but I think with things he has done in the past and what he has said to me my feelings for him have changed. I do however think with a lot of things, my feelings don’t matter, if I disagree with something or the way he is handling something, he just doesn’t consider my feelings at all. My feelings are dismissed.

I feel ugly, people tell me I’m not, they tell me I’m lovely and look way younger than my age, but I feel they are just saying that to be nice.

Im fat (thats not something I just think, I am actually fat), I’m 12.5 stone and I’m only 5’4. All my fat is round my middle so it’s the most dangerous fat. My doctor has told me I need to try to lose the fat. I hate my big boobs, I’m a 34HH and they are sore and painful. I can’t even exercise they are so sore event with 2 sports bras on. For this I went to the doctor, she told me to lose weight, but I’ve always been big, I was a size10, when I was 30 and I was a 32GG. So I walk about with big baggy jumpers and coats on as I’m so self conscious of my boobs and my weight. For my breakfast I’ve had 2 very large bags of crisps and a chocolate milkshake.

My house is a mess, I don’t work, my husband works 12 hours a day and does a lot of weekend work, he helps round the house, but I know I should be doing the majority, I just can’t seem to find the motivation. My children are still at home, and the have their chores which they do, they do the dishes, clean the bathroom and their rooms.

I sabotage myself at every opportunity I just can’t seem to stop.

I am a constant worrier, I worry about everything and anything. The worry of the moment is Brexit. I’ve got it like Armageddon, husband is going to lose his job, there is going to be no food, I won’t get my medication....... and it goes on.

I buy myself things to make me happy usually clothes, makeup, shoes, bags. I know I’m trying to fill A void for something that’s missing inside me, and I don’t know what it is or how to sort it. Again I went to therapy for this, but it hasn’t worked. I think it might be a need to feel wanted, loved, liked as in if I have that I’m as good as the next person. The clothes I buy don’t even fit, they are in size 12 which is what I want to be but I’m not!

I can’t wait for the day when I die because then I won’t feel like this anymore.

Anyway, thank you if anyone has taken the time to read this, and if anyone has started reading and thought “this is a lot of shite, I’m not reading that, well that’s okay, I expect people think that”

Hello OP, i'm really sorry you are feeling so bad about yourself and it sounds like this has been going on for a long time.

I think you should speak to your GP as it sounds to me like you are depressed. I know how consuming that can be as i've suffered with my MH on and off since I was a child. Something i have found is just changing one thing like for the good which is around the area that bothers you the most and reward yourself in another way. That way you aren't taking on too much and just keep working on a different thing each day.

You've already done your positive thing for today - you've reached out to MN! So well done :)

Make a list tonight of six things you will do tomorrow.
Here's an example!

1. take a shower
2. put fresh sheets on the bed

3.go for a walk or do fifteen minutes of stretch exercises on YouTube 4.google healthy recipes/low carb recipes and make a meal plan for the week 5.sort out a drawer, a cupboard, a wardrobe and bag up stuff to either sell or donate 6.smile at someone and mean it. If you do this each day, make a list of six things, do them, tick them off and keep each note in a safe place for you to refer back to a month from now you'll probably find that your 'things to do', become more focused, more fun, more interesting to who you really are. That way, the anxiety should recede. that way, your self esteem should slowly grow. At the very least....it can't hurt to try.

Hey @Sleepyhollow71 just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

I identify totally with this that you wrote

I don’t particularly like myself . It’s not that I’m a nasty person or anything (at least I don’t think I am), I always try to help people the best I can and make time for people. I don’t have a lot of self confidence, very low self esteem

I get what you are saying. I'm overweight too. I don't have any wise words only to say that the very low feeling comes and goes. I have phases of feeling better and starting to do some exercise, lose some weight, feel more cheerful, fee like more exercise and its a cycle on the up.

Few people who are depressed are consistently depresed for years and years you will come out of it. the key is to holding on to that thought.

I'm so sorry you feel like this OP. You mentioned your very difficult childhood and my thought is that this is the key to everything you're experiencing now. Your depression, demotivation and low self-esteem are all the result of the narrative that was set for you at that time, we hen you came second to your parents addictions, no-one protected you and you were excluded. A childs brain rationalises experiences like that into part of their identity. I think you need to find a therapist who specialises in early childhood trauma and get some real expert help - not all counsellors and DC doctors can do this. I really hope things get better for you.

First of all, great title for a thread.
This has been a relationship I've improved a lot over last 12 years when it was terrible.

I had 8 sessions of psychotherapy which trained me to stop the negative inner voice in its tracks.

Ive read a lot of very helpful books but one to start with, a woman in your own right by anne dickson. There were some gems in there. A woman's rights. Obvious to most women but it helped me to read them. Eg "i have the right to change my mind". "I have the right to make a mistake".

Google marisa peer on youtube. She talks about not feeling Enough

@Sleepyhollow71
For some fucked up reason, some (most?) of us are not being taught how to look after ourselves. The whole notion/concept of self care, self love seems to be taught as selfishness, as something to be avoided if you want to be liked/loved.

It looks like you’ve had quite a traumatic childhood and got married very young to a not very nice man. You never had time to heal, hence the whole perpetuating cycle of antidepressants-therapy-relapse.

Listen, if any of your children were treated like you have been treated, how would you react? What would you do? If one of them came and said to you: I feel like I’ve been put on this earth like some sort of joke, how would you feel, what would you do?

Dig out a photo of yourself as a child, put it by your bed. And when you get a moment, come sit on the bed and talk to that little girl. Start from the beginning.

I dont no you but i can assure you, you are not ugly. I have met ugly people and everyone of them came in the form of the bullies that have brought you to this point. Bullies are insecure, they pick their target in an attempt to make themselves feel good, their contempt is not for you,it is for themselves. You are setting yourself mountains to climb and the thought is overwelming you, set small targets for yourself and the baby steps will eventually turn to strides. With all my heart i hope you find away to recognise the important person you are in this world and learn to love yourself because you are worth so much more than feeling the way you do.

Start researching about Complex Ptsd, this is when you have had a traumatic/ neglectful childhood. There is a good book called: Surviving And thriving Complex Ptsd by Pete Walker.

Also look about childhood emotional neglect.

As above Marisa Peer is good, Richard Grannon, Bruce Lipton, explains how we are programmed up until the age of 7 years old by our parents and that programming is difficult to over ride as it is programmed using Theta part of the brain.

You need to start loving yourself more.