What the heck is going on

[Ralphie86]

I’ve realised I need to trust my gut instincts more.

I’d been seeing a guy (met through mutual friends) for the past 4 months. Everything was going well until I went abroad, alone. This was a trip I’d booked prior to us meeting.

I knew through our mutual friend that earlier in the year he’d had an awful break up and so I was reluctant to start with that I didn’t want to get involved but we clicked, all my guards were down. Met regularly, spoke often. Spoke even about moving in together in the new year - initiated by him (yes too soon, I do know). We discussed this, both agreed not the right decision.

Whilst I was away he started to act distant. I’ve flitted between waiting it out and gently probing. He’s gone from it was going to fast to which I agreed to now, he’s realised he’s not ready for a relationship or at least not the one I want.

So again, I was the guinea pig, to test his feelings.

I’m furious and really upset (mostly with myself).

Sorry posted too soon. There appears to be more and more guys like this out there. How do you avoid this when you have discussions early and both have agreed that you’re on the same page!?

I don't think you can avoid, it. People are free to change their mind at any time about what they want for themselves and from a relationship. I guess the only way round it is not to get too invested too early, and see how it goes.

But this is normal part of dating - you meet, start dating. After a few months it becomes clearer if you want to give it a go - for the medium term. And then after a longer time of dating - see if long term is what you both want.
No one can know from right at the beginning of this is going to work out.
This may or may not have anything to do with his previous breakup.

Try to relax and not jump into future planning too soon with anyone.

No I get that but he’s implying that it took for a relationship with me, to realise he’s not over what happened almost a year ago. Despite being full on at the start. Surely it would’ve made more sense not to get involved with me, hurting me along the way?

Four months is nothing and way too soon to be talking about living together.

Slow it down next time.

OP - no one has crystal ball.
He thought he was ready and gave it a go. Turned out he wasn’t. Not sure now you can blame him for that.
In some other scenario you can start dating someone and go off them after several months. This is normal.

It’s only been 4 months. Not years. Not enough time to actually develop deep feelings. So - the hurt you are talking about is superficial and will pass quickly.

Feelings change. Nobody can make commitments a few months in. Slow your roll.

Sometimes people are ready to date, sometimes they aren't. Sadly for you, he wasn't.

Surround yourself with friends and family, keep yourself busy.