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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Meant be be getting married in 4 months...

23 replies

RebeccaLeigh16 · 05/12/2019 07:26

But i know its not right. Ive known for a while now and i brought it up a few months ago but it kind of got blamed on the PND that i was just coming out of and the people pleaser in me didnt fight back so i convinced myself it was all ok but now all those feelings are rearing their heads.

We have an almost 2 year old son and a house together.

Im honestly on the verge of writing a letter and going (with my boy) as i know everyone including my partner is going ti be heartbroken.

What do i do and how do i do it?!

OP posts:

funnylittlefloozie · 05/12/2019 07:29

Why do you want to leave? You can cancel the wedding and try to work things out with your son's dad if you want.

Were you receiving treatment for your PND?

cakecakecheese · 05/12/2019 07:30

If it's not right then don't go through with it, you'll regret it if you do. You need to put yourself first. Is there a trustworthy friend or relative who can help you?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 07:31

Do you not want to marry him right now, or do you not want to be with him?

Namenic · 05/12/2019 07:33

Isn’t the best thing to talk about it? Cancel the wedding to take the pressure off - say you find it hard with baby or PND. Maybe have some joint and/or individual counselling, see GP to consider meds?

Namenic · 05/12/2019 07:34

Hope you get help and support to think things through.

RLG1992 · 05/12/2019 07:37

Yeah i did receive treatment for my PND. This is the problem that i dont feel theres a big enough 'problem' but i just know its nit right. My PND stemmed from me having to do everything for our son for his first 3 months with little to no help and beung told when he was 6 months, oh hes fun now i'll look after him. So im holding quite a bit of resentment from that. And then its just lots of little things that build up.

Wildorchidz · 05/12/2019 07:41

You cannot help the way you feel and it’s absolutely right for you not to continue the relationship if you don’t want to.
However I don’t think it will be as simple as just taking your boy and going.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/12/2019 07:50

i know everyone including my partner is going ti be heartbroken.

Your partner, yes. Everybody else might be a little bit annoyed and/or worried for you, but they certainly won't be "heartbroken".

Do you have somewhere to go with your son? Are you going to be able to facilitate contact between your son and his dad?

Goldenchildsmum · 05/12/2019 08:00

Any doubts, don't do it

SnuggyBuggy · 05/12/2019 08:03

Is there someone impartial who you could talk things over with. Not helping for the first 3 months of your baby's life would be a tough one to move on from.

RLG1992 · 05/12/2019 08:14

Yeah i have been chatting to a friend about it all. Its just mustering up the courage to do something. I would like another child but i cant do it all alone again!

Starlight456 · 05/12/2019 08:19

It’s not clear if it’s you don’t want to marry him or be with him. .

I echo what others said . Marriage is something that you should be sure of.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 08:27

@RLG1992 your name change is confusing.

There doesn't need to be a reason for it not to feel right. If it doesn't feel right don't marry him.

Do you still want to be with him or does the relationship no longer work for you?
Don't stay with him just because you'd like another child somewhere along the line.

Have you spoken to him about the resentment you feel?

RLG1992 · 05/12/2019 08:32

Ah sorry forgot to mention the name change!

Honestly the relationship no longer works for me. Ive tried to talk about it many timea but it always end up in him saying 'well i had to go to work so you could stay at home' and ended up with me apologising and feeling guilty ao stooped bringing it up.

HowToStopThis9 · 05/12/2019 08:33

@GiveHerHellFromUs it isn’t confusing at all.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/12/2019 08:38

Call it off now OP.
Don't wait any longer.
You know it's not right so end it.
I called off my first wedding 6 months before.
The fallout was horrendous. I'm not gonna lie.
But I knew it was the right thing to do for me.
I knew we shouldn't have booked the wedding at all.
I could have saved us a lot of money and explaining if I'd have just said no when he asked me to marry him.
Again... people pleasing. Didn't want to hurt him, his family, may family - blah blah blah.
Best decision ever.
Please do it sooner rather than later.
It gets harder the closer it is!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 08:40

@RLG1992 if he's not even willing to acknowledge he wasn't there to support you when you needed it most then that's a problem.

You can split amicably. You can just tell him the relationship isn't working for you anymore. It's not making you happy and you deserve to be happy.

I know it's really tough but now that your child is 'fun' he should be able to co-parent with you quite easily.

It's just having that conversation that's difficult.

@HowToStopThis9 it is when you assume it's another poster talking about their similar experience and OPs posts are no longer highlighted (on the app)

SnuggyBuggy · 05/12/2019 08:54

If he can't see that the way he behaved was wrong then he isn't going to change. I'd think twice about having more kids with him.

MMmomDD · 05/12/2019 08:54

OP - as others have said - not wanting to marry vs not wanting to be with your bf are two different mind states.
As a side note - PND doesn’t start because you resent your partner for not helping. These are very separate issues. Lack of help can make dealing with PND much harder but it doesn’t cause the actual depression.
You sound like you had a terrible time - and I don’t know how you managed through those dark times.
It might be that the relationship is broken irretrievably, or it still might be that it’s something that can be fixed if your bf understands and steps up.
PND is terrible. It changes your mind and you see world in a warped light - and it’s hard to get out of it. I hope you got good help back then and still, if you need it.
It took me a very long time to start feeling normal and changed a part of me forever.
So - take time and make sure you are through it and feel strong.
No red to rush into a wedding or any relationship decisions until you know you are healthy.

Lacey2019 · 06/12/2019 19:32

I cancelled my wedding with 2 months to go. Best decision I ever made.

PicsInRed · 06/12/2019 21:28

Do you work? Do you have joint assets?
Is he the higher earner? Who put what deposit into the house and were those deposits protected? As you already have a child together - and therefore financial impediment to you, the mother - I would decide whether or not to go through with it based on those answers. Be prudent.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 07/12/2019 04:42

@MMmomDD pnd can absolutely be triggered by having a partner that doesn't support you - mine was. Sure, I had the baby blues 3-4 days post partum but then when I was asked at midnight on day 5 (our first day home after complex instrumental delivery and short spell in nicu) what was for tea I could almost feel myself falling over a cliff edge into something more severe. No nappy changes for 6 months, never ever got up in the night, not a single domestic job done as I was off on mat leave, no support during months of colic and reflux - a shit time made so so much worse by my (now ex) h who did nothing.

My only reservation would be about marriage securing finances. That said, my divorce cost more than my wedding and marriage was so much harder to undo than cancelling a wedding.

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/12/2019 08:51

Ok so if you are having doubts, then you can cancel or postpone the wedding. Then talk to your partner and see what the future holds for both of you.
Taking the boy and walking off is really not a fair answer to either your OH or your DD, although it maybe seem like the easiest.

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