Personality disorder a view of their life

[FabbyChix]

In short I’m 54 bpd life of relationships abused never walked away because my bpd tells me I can’t. Never had one good memory. Married a man didn’t even like who beat me so bad looked like a car crash because couldn’t walk. It’s not been a choice who would choose that.

Then four years phone relationship fourteen hours a day constant promises four years later finds out all lies he would pretend to be on two calls, had a breakdown as head cools not compute who would even do that. Recluse. Depression beat it myself. Two years alone work and home happy, hobbies, never taking to anyone outside work.

Made a mistake thought need a man for weekend, met some one seven years abuse worse than ever mental torture the kind they use in prisons. Lost my souls couldn’t read, couldn’t watch a film, isolated no friends. 2018 mentally unable to take it gave notice was moving with nothing to a friends in Cornwall decided can’t. Begged doctors therapy help me walk help me get away, begged son pay for therapy to get away by bpd said can’t do alone. Then I realised that this is my life and I’d rather die than live it 24 hours every week mental stuff that made me and to die. Then it happened once more I realised that I would kill him go to prison for peace it’s all I thought about. I never spent time with him again. At last I wasn’t getting abuse being threatened being controlled. But I’d been so ill at work my boss was being affected I had to leave me or her. My head told me it was planned she wanted to destroy me I lived with that till a few days ago. The a temp on they told me long term I said need security no serious top bpd rang. Then six weeks later sorry ends 20th December so happy Xmas your unemployed I lost it my bpd went mental emailing everyone owners directors. Total not professional made me suicidal. Paid me off five weeks and didn’t work.

First time in my life I can’t get work I can’t pay rent or bills. Use my savings and I don’t get work I’ve lost everything. Make snap choice move in with sister.

The place is a shut hole the streets are dirty, graffiti, al social housing. Here clean streets, nice place. I have to give up my life of all I own and just take clothes. Have a room after thirty years. I can’t work too damaged.

I always said I hate it there always said never give up what I’ve worked for.

Yet I have no doubts, I’m excited.

I have never had any issues at work but this has made me unstable and I need to be secure and safe. I’ve taken more than someone in prison who then lives their life in a mental facility.

I’ve not broke because I never think baxk I never ever feel bad or pissed off ive lost seven years. I can’t even talk about it because it’s so bad I would love eith why did I stay for eternity.

Depression, breakdowns are looking back, regrets, different endings if you had done a better or c

I beat bpd this time but I won’t ever have anyone but my sister in my life. I have boundaries now though. Never take one thing that’s a red flag because I’d you do it happens again, then again. By letting something happen and not saying no you’re saying you take it.

I lost ten years with kids dad he was a one night stand he then turned up with clothes I never said I didn’t want a relationship. Lost ten years bpd isn’t understood as normal people get choices. Just think who wood choose to live this life or do this it’s not normal because we are ill.

People knew about the abuse yet no one cares, whilst the abuser walked away I have to give up everything to recover.

Personality disorders aren’t a choice we view situations, life with emotion our brain who we are feeds on need. It makes us spend it makes us addicts so we need saving, it tells us we can’t do it alone.

The only way to beat it is no people at all. I used to be able to work now I can’t embarsssing. I’m leaving my life to beat it.

My head tells me I’m the victim, so I see events different. I see myself as so ill I’d live in hospital the reality I’m not worthy of a psych I have no mental health support I’m high functioning. I’m real intelligent so I hate it. No one not even therapists understand. I live one way weeks later I see reality.

Sorry I see stuff here about bpd. Those who aren’t like me yes we manipulate we abuse we push we do it to her proof you will do anything for us. We expect you to take our shif do why we want or you don’t love us. It’s abuse I did it now I can control it. Our lives are about being liked cared for loved.

My friend is twenty years younger her boyfriend goes fishing why does he want to see friends. I want someone with me 24/7’amd not need someone else. He don’t answer text he takes hours she rings his works and tells them he is a peado and says his fault for ignoring me. She sees that as acceptable I tried to explain it’s not real life to be like that. She can’t see it and that’s what most of us are like.

Nope, not all people with a borderline diagnosis are like you describe, and in fact would be horrified at the type of behaviour you described with your friend, and many do beat it. Many also successfully manage relationships, it seems like it's all or nothing thinking here ie you either have someone with you 24/7 or completely cut everyone except your sister out of your life.

Sadly the behaviours of BPD (I hate you! Don't leave me!) push people away.

Focus on you OP, self soothing and one day at a time trying to not get reactive.
I wouldn't bother with a relationship at all, but trying to get back into work and trying very hard not to be reactive at work. Don't overshare, just one foot in front of the other and working on managing your anxiety and racing thoughts.