Why does he behave like this?

[Jayne7777777]

Hello. My partner left me recently. He had several broken relationships behind him but I thought I would be the one to end all that because we had known each other for many years and had wanted to be together. We had a relationship for some time when we were younger but I had some problems that I couldn't cope with and I ended the relationship. When we finally had a second chance we jumped at it. Now he has someone else. I fee like I want their relationship to fail - not out of nastiness, but because I want to know that it wasn't just me. It wasn't just that I wasn't good enough. I don't want to be the last failure and then him get married and live happily ever after. What I really would like to ask though, is why, when he left me, does he speak to me like he can't stand me? I have been really kind and friendly, no threats, I've kept my dignity. Communication by telephone - about mortgage matters, nothing more - makes me feel like he can't stand me. I feel discarded. I feel like I heard my own heart break in two :'(

It's easier to hate someone when you decide to hurt them. We reject other people's sadness because empathy means we feel sad too. If you can't cope with sadness you turn it into anger and loathing. He knew breaking up with you would hurt you so he's decided loathing is easier for him.

It's not too, it's him.

Not you!

Sometimes people feel they have to be nasty to move on from exes.

Or, bit of pop-psych: If he left you/cheated on you(?) (basically treated you badly), it can be a weird product of guilt - because we're all the heroes of our own lives, the people we treat badly must have deserved it, been awful people - therefore he talks to you like shit.

Thank you to both folks who replied. I did wonder about guilt. He seems to find it difficult to speak to me. I am very kind and friendly now though I admit I wasn't always like that when we were together. I could be very difficult, very tired and critical. I feel I am partly to blame for him leaving. However he does have a long track record of leaving women after four years. He was the most wonderful man to me when we were together - patient and supportive, kind and thoughtful. I don't expect him to be super friendly with me now - that would be crass and weird. Just be kind to me. I am alone, I have no money and a dog with cancer.

I'm sorry about your dog. Lost my boy fairly recently, it was awful.

category12 I am genuinely sorry about your loss. Genuinely x

Must be tough for you right now. Things will get better.

I realised after he left that it wasn't so much him I was unhappy with as ME. I have joined a gym - to escape the house which is a prison and to tone up and lose weight. It took every fibre of me to make that step. Every day hurts. Thank you category12 for your kindness though and to MrsTerryPratchett too xx

So sorry about your dog OP. A dog is always a real friend, unlike this man, who does not really sound very nice. You can do much better than him. Look after yourself, keep busy, be sociable and you can meet someone who will be good to you.

You know OP, focussing on yourself is exactly what you need.

And motivation... I started running a few years ago, post 40. I couldn't run a minute without being out of breath, sweaty and red and wanting to stop. I was on the same treadmill, in the same location last week and ran 5km without thinking, watching Netflix and breathing a little bit heavily. It is actually true that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.