MIL selectively ignores me - any ideas why?!

[Houseinafield]

We mostly communicate via text. If I send a message with anything negative in it, she ignores it. For example, if I tell her one of the DCs has had a tantrum, she won’t respond to that but will focus on something else I’ve mentioned, like the weather. Lately I’ve sent messages saying that DC went to A&E with illness, and that I’ve been diagnosed with a long term health condition. Both messages were marked as read but ignored.

PIL are chronically disorganised and becoming forgetful. If I send a message trying to organise plans to see the DC these are also ignored. If I chase, the plans are usually declined.

She’s more than happy to talk about the neighbours or the washing or the weather; these messages are always responded to.

It makes me feel really frustrated, slightly pathetic, and also kind of hurts my feelings.
I suspect this selective ignoring might be an anxiety response.....does anyone have any experience of this?
Or is it narcissistic?
Or do you think she’s just rude?!
Would you ask her if she knows she’s doing it?

DH has obviously experienced this for a lot longer than I have, and his response is just to not bother as much with them. I find this sad, and it would mean they have very little relationship with our DC, but maybe this is the path of least resistance.

Your last paragraph is telling really and she is doing the self same as she has done to her son, your now husband.

Does your H have any siblings, if so how are they treated?. If he does have siblings it is highly likely they are more favoured overall by them.

Why further flog what is really a dead horse of a relationship here with these people?. Do not bother with her any longer and tell her nothing further about your lives. It is no point at all in trying to engage her because she does not want to know about you or the DC for her own reasons. She does not care and yes I would think she knows she is doing this (no point in asking her about this though because you will not get a straight answer). Its not yours or your DHs fault that she is like this and you did not make her that way.

If your parents are nice and importantly emotionally healthy then concentrate your resources on them. It seems likely here that you have come from an emotionally healthy family yourself, your DH was clearly not so fortunate. Your children need emotionally healthy grandparents as role models, his parents are clearly not.

A lot of people of a certain generation feel really uncomfortable and awkward talking about certain topics, and adopt a "Least said, soonest mended" approach, so I suspect that she's one of these. It is probably not personal and more a head in the sand job.

Could it just be that she doesn't know how to respond to certain things via text, like how to word her responses?

Or is she like it in person too?

I'd just keep texting to a minimum to make arrangements to see each other.

I wonder if she ignores thinks like the tantrum because she thinks you're just complaining and doesn't want to be your sounding board (not saying you are moaning, just that she might see it that way).

Thanks so much for your replies, they’re so insightful, and really helping me to think about it differently (because to be honest, I was taking it really personally).
I think it’s likely to be a mixture of everything suggested above, not knowing what to say, not wanting to discuss things (soonest mended), and not being emotionally healthy.
@GiveHerHellFromUs yes she’s like it in real life too, tries to shut down any conversations about things like finances, etc.
@attilathemeerkat your last paragraph is something I’m going to re-read a lot! Spot on, and I do need to direct energy into a more positive place rather than frustrating myself.

Its not you, its his mother.

Does your H have siblings?

Keep yourselves away from her going forward. Stop flogging a dead horse here. Your DH lucked out in the parent stakes sadly.

DH does have siblings but they’re not super close, so I have no idea if this happens to the others.

It may well be that his siblings are somehow more favoured. It is a possibility. Have you talked at all to your DH about his siblings and his parents treatment of them over the years?.

Why don't you speak on the phone instead of texting? We are losing the ability to communicate

I think some people just aren't very good at listening and responding to other people and find talking about themselves much easier. I agree, you probably aren't going to be able to change things with them

Why further flog what is really a dead horse of a relationship here with these people?. Do not bother with her any longer and tell her nothing further about your lives. It is no point at all in trying to engage her because she does not want to know about you or the DC for her own reasons. She does not care and yes I would think she knows she is doing this (no point in asking her about this though because you will not get a straight answer). Its not yours or your DHs fault that she is like this and you did not make her that way.

Please please do not go down this route. You could be depriving your children of two loving grandparents, on the advice of some total stranger on here who really has absolutely no idea of the real reasons behind the actions of your MIL.
There could be many reasons behind your MIL's actions, reasons that lie far back in her childhood. This doesn't mean she doesn't love her children/grandchildren and it doesn't mean that she doesn't value you. It might be just the way she is.

@Confusedbeetle that’s a good idea, maybe I’d get more of a satisfying two-way thing on the phone!

@pusspuss9 Thanks, I’d much rather improve things than cut ties. You’re right, there could be some really deep rooted causes that I’ll never know!

@AttilaTheMeerkat I think there have been some mild favouritism feelings in the past but nothing huge, and we’ve always all gotten on well. Have you experienced this kind of thing as a result of favouritism?

You're right in that this is just the ways she is and it is about her (as I have already mentioned). But neither the OP nor her H made her that way. Why keep texting people who are clearly not interested?. This is really a one sided relationship. Even her DHs (and he should know) response here is just to not bother as much with them.

You assume they are loving grandparents; sadly not all grandparents are by any means at all kind or loving. She is not replying to messages simply because she does not want to do so and that is rude. If a grandparent cannot be asked to enquire further about her grandchild's visit to A & E and instead wants to chat about the weather or some other trivia then what does that say about that person?. You would not like someone doing this to you and why should the OP have to try more?.

Sadly House, you cannot improve ties on your own. It has to be a joint effort here and if his parents are not interested for their own reasons then you will fail in your efforts. You can indeed try to talk to her instead on the phone but she could well respond as she does now by talking at you about the weather, the neighbours long dead dog or other unrelated trivial nonsense instead.

What sort of favouritism have you seen; have his siblings been more favoured?. You may perhaps think its more mild and or nothing huge simply because this type of dysfunction was and remains thankfully unknown in your own family of origin.

@houseinafield
I’d much rather improve things than cut ties.

I think that's the right thing to do. Family falling outs have repercussions that resonate down through the generations, like ripples in a pond. They have far reaching effects on many people, not just those originally involved. It has become quite 'normal' on here to recommend LTB or cut ties for every little thing without any thought to the real effects this advice would have on many families.

You don't have to cut ties, just have realistic expectations

@snuggybuggy I think that’s probably the happy medium; keep things open but just reduce my input/expectation to avoid frustration and disappointment!

My mum is like this and is probably a similar age. She feels strongly that texting is not for important conversations or serious matters.

I have been present when she has received texts from other family members, and she is cross if they are about big issues, although she will happily respond to texts about Downton Abbey or the best place to buy a washing machine.

In short, bad news or important news should be delivered in person. Hence we will sporadically text for weeks but it is only when we meet up that I learn that dad is ill, the dog is dead and the car has broken down.

Oh I’d never thought of that! Another potential reason!

I think @itsmecathycomehome has it. I don't find texting a comfortable way to discuss anything important. It's so easy for the printed word to be read in a tone of voice that I don't intend. I'd far rather that someone could at least hear my voice, or better still, also see my facial expression. It's SO easy for misunderstandings to occur when texting/messaging (you only have to read this forum for any amount of time to see that)

Many times I've posted on here to say don't communicate by text (on whatever subject the thread is about). It's such a risky way to talk to someone.

It’s up to DH to manage his and his ‘nuclear’ family’s relationship with his family and make any arrangements to meet up IMO.

Given their communications with you to date I would just send the occasional bit of chit chat / DC pictures and not share difficult news or seek to make arrangements.

DC can be absolutely fine with limited or indeed no contact with GPs / other relatives if this is the way things are in the family! I was one such DC. IME DC benefit from spending time with benevolent / interested / kind adults, who may or may not be relations. But if the adults around aren’t those things better not to see them!

It sounds like you'll get on better if you stick to light and breezy texts only. While I'd want to know about grandchild in A&E, it sounds like she'd be fine being told about it later rather than getting a text quickly.
Lots of possibilities why she's like this and I suspect it's not personal and she's like this with everyone that she talks to.
I don't know why you're not taking your h's advice? If you keep contact infrequent and light then they can't disappoint you

I really appreciate being able to sound this out here, so thank you for all your thoughts and comments! There’s loads of layers to her behaviour I think, and now I’ve got some fresh perspectives I’ll alter the way I approach her....I’m thinking less frequent and only small talk, maybe a phone call every now and then, don’t include any big stuff, and lower my expectations. The DCs have some fantastic adults in their life who are very actively involved, and I’ll focus more on them!
Thanks for the support and ideas everyone