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Original poster

Managing My Reactions to a You re An Option Not a Priority But Fun Friend

21 replies

RaguForYou · 04/12/2019 12:49

I have a friend (probably a bit of a narcissist) who I like very much. He's a bit of the life and soul of the party type. I don't know anyone else like him really and I always have a great time when I see him. He's a bit like Fun Bobby from Friends. The guy who you start off having a drink with in the pub and end up at a random celeb afterparty some where.

He is very unreliable and very flaky. I'm a bit very uptight about things like turning up on time, calling when you say you will, being respectful of other people. It really upsets me (too much I know) when he treats me like this. I'm very much treated as an option by him.

I get that its my choice to keep him as a friend which I would like to do.

I always feel so hurt and small by the fact that I like him so much and look forward to seeing him whereas if he finds something better to do he's off.

It's sort of becoming like I feel so hurt by him that its overshadowing the good bits of the friendship. This is definitely my issue not his. He is who he is and its my choice to keep seeing him which I'd like to do.

(If I told him how upset and hurt I got by his flakiness, he would think I was mentally unwell and that I was too intense about a relaxed friendship and he probably wouldn't be too wide of that mark)

How can I manage my reactions to him and take it less personally?
.
How can I chill out?

OP posts:
supercali77 · 04/12/2019 13:14

Are you a friend but you want more? Because that's what this sounds like.

Original poster
RaguForYou · 04/12/2019 13:22

I don't think so @supercali77. He's gay!

It's just that it makes me feel so shitty that I have such a high regard for him. It makes my already fragile self esteem feel squashed.

This is my problem though. I want to be a bit more relaxed and chilled out about his flakiness and not treat it as some personal slight on me which is how it feels. I feel like even a friend who matters to me doesn't care about me at all.

OP posts:
Simkin · 04/12/2019 13:26

You're asking yourself to be something you're not. And it's ok not to be the thing too!

Decide where your boundaries are. If you can't tolerate lateness, don't tolerate it. Maybe you are just not someone who can have the kind of lifestyle where you end up at celebrity parties because you care too much about people and want meaningful friendships. and that's ok.

Windmillwhirl · 04/12/2019 13:27

He sounds quite unpleasant. There are great, fun people that don't dump you for something better. He won't change, ask yourself why his validation means so much to you

Butterymuffin · 04/12/2019 13:34

if he finds something better to do he's off

This is different to being flaky. I am flaky in certain respects re being on time and forgetting things. But I never ditch anyone I've made arrangements with for a 'better' option. I don't think that's ok and clearly you don't either. So I agree that it's fine to have your boundaries - what you need is a way of reducing and managing the hurt you feel. Do you usually see this person one on one or in a group? Who does the arranging and inviting? Do you always do their choice of activity or do you get a say as well?

Mumdiva99 · 04/12/2019 13:39

He's not a great friend. Friends look after you, boost your self esteem, support you and make you feel good about yourself. Don't spend time with him - he's not for you. Just as you can't make him change who he is, you shouldn't have to change who you are too.

Original poster
RaguForYou · 04/12/2019 13:42

Do you usually see this person one on one or in a group? Who does the arranging and inviting? Do you always do their choice of activity or do you get a say as well?

One on one normally.
Always him instigating meeting up when it happens. Often last minute when he is town. If I try, he sometimes says yes but then will flaky.
No we go where he wants to go but we like the same kind of places so that's not a problem for me.

He won't change, ask yourself why his validation means so much to you

I don't know and that's what I want to change myself. I suppose its because I always have a fun time with him and look forward to seeing him so much. I'd like to feel it was a two way friendship but it isn't really.

@Simkin thanks for the that's Ok

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 04/12/2019 13:46

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing, you say your self esteem is fragile, why is that and have you considered what you could do to build it back up? That might include backing off from your friend for a while if his flakiness is doing further damage.

It sounds like maybe you need to be in a better place to be able to handle this kind of friendship, so maybe focus on getting to that place rather than 'managing your reaction', take some time out and build your confidence? Finding ways to 'be less hurt' just feels like treating the symptom rather than the cause if that makes sense.

You may end up deciding the fun bits are just not worth putting up with his unreliability, and that's fine too but I can't see what good forcing yourself to be something you're not is going to do you in the meantime, take some time away from him and concentrate on you for a while Flowers

Original poster
RaguForYou · 04/12/2019 13:54

He won't change, ask yourself why his validation means so much to you

Another thing is that I don't have many friends to be honest. There aren't that many people I click with or have a good time with. when I find a friendship, I maybe over invest in it emotionally

you say your self esteem is fragile, why is that and have you considered what you could do to build it back up?

I don't know why. I am overweight but that isn't the root cause. Part of the reason I am overweight is that I think it makes me feel safe and keeps people (men/dating) away. I think I feel maybe I am unlovable and people will always reject me. It's part of why I'm slow to make friends. I don't like people because its safer to get in first before they don't like you.

OP posts:
Simkin · 04/12/2019 14:03

Yeah it's not about this guy then. I used to have a friend like this (not quite as flaky though) and I used to wonder why he wanted to be friends with me; and that made me weird around him.

I'm sure you have many fun and wonderful qualities which make him want to hang out with you. You are deserving of being treated nicely. You are deserving of emotionally investing in people! You're talking like it's a bad thing and it's not.

I've recently been having counselling which is helping with self esteem but also looking at what you're getting pleasure and meaning from helps. Are you enjoying your job? Have you any rewarding hobbies? You're focusing on the friend when really its about you. Flowers

Peanutbuttermouth · 04/12/2019 14:23

I had virtually the same situation with a gay friend many years ago! I loved being around him so much and I thought it was reciprocated except he was flaky and would never pass up a better offer. I forgave many transgressions over the course of our friendship because I thought the good outweighed the bad. Then I let him down once (although in a bigger way probably) and he cut me out of his life. I was so sad about it for a while. I haven't given it any thought for years and reading this brought it back. Thinking about it now, he wasn't as good a friend as I believed at the time and I am better off without him dipping in and out of my life as he fancied.

Original poster
RaguForYou · 04/12/2019 15:11

@Peanutbuttermouth I wonder if it's the same guy. Cutting people out is exactly the kind of thing he would do.

I know he's not a good friend in that sense. Hes not reliable or would be there for me. He's a lot of fun though.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 04/12/2019 17:11

I think you have to be able to take people like him at face value, and I think you can probably only do that if you're happy and secure in yourself so that it genuinely doesn't matter to you if he bails. I guess for now it's a case of evaluating whether the fact that he's fun outweighs the hurt he causes you, and I suspect it probably doesn't if you're honest with yourself.

I know it feels like the same old advice but it really might be worth looking into some counselling to unpick the reasons you feel unlovable. You sound perfectly lovely to me and you deserve better friends, but the best way to attract people who value you is to appreciate your own worth first and foremost Flowers

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/12/2019 17:42

So he’s a fun friend and he can’t do any of the other friendship stuff - it’s like getting sad that a cat can’t ride a unicycle. Enjoy him on those terms and maybe devote some time to connecting with a new friend? Via meet up or a new hobby or....?

Fizzysours · 04/12/2019 17:46

I suspect you are way nicer than him. You need to have more options so you stop overinvesting. Try meeting people through group stuff? It feels far less risky to commit to a weekly event. People won't ditch you as they are going for the event anyway....if you want to trust people more, you need to be around people more, in quantities...that way, individuals won't hold power over you. People are ok. And nobody will give a shit about your weight. Build up some stuff and this selfish guy will matter less. He'll definitely make out you are crazy if you raise it. He sounds like a bit of a nob.

AllTheHippos · 04/12/2019 18:47

I agree that therapy might be useful for you. I've found it extremely enlightening in terms of my poor self esteem.

I think if you don't feel you can openly say to him that his unreliable behaviour is hurting your feelings, then I don't believe he's any kind of friend.

Original poster
RaguForYou · 04/12/2019 22:39

it’s like getting sad that a cat can’t ride a unicycle. Enjoy him on those terms and maybe devote some time to connecting with a new friend?

Yes I get this and that's what I'm asking. How can I stop being upset that the cat can't ride the unicycle but not just upset. Like it says something about me that I'm not worth respect or kindness.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 05/12/2019 11:36

Well, it sounds like you have those feelings about yourself and you’re unconsciously using this friendship to ‘prove’ them.

You know deep down you need to tackle these toxic thoughts about yourself, and you seek out situations which activate them.

Therapy can help with deep seated emotions like this.

Closetbeanmuncher · 05/12/2019 16:12

Someone who ditches you when a "better" option becomes available is not a friend OP.

People like these see others as toys for their amusement, stop being someone's gap filler and fill your life with better.

Good luck x

AntelopesLovely · 05/12/2019 17:30

Interesting topic, OP.

I also had a friend with narcissistic tendencies (not NPD though, but enough to notice she had real issues). Always talking about herself, totally Me, Me, Me, very selfish but very fragile any hint of criticism, plus I always felt worse after seeing her. She was also quite a shocking gossip, not especially nice about people, and dropped them all the time!

I did kind of end the friendship, and she was happy to do that I think also. However, I sometimes miss her and have regrets. She could be great fun, really good fun, she could be intelligent and honest, and she was usually up to doing fun stuff, interesting stuff. And I am also a person with few friends (to do with health and perhaps my somewhat reserved personality also).

So, what I am saying is - no easy answer. You could just try and make him an option and enjoy his company and laughs. If that is what happens. I felt sometimes "invisible" with my old friend, or that she was unsympathetic to my life's challenges; how much of that was down to her (70%) and how much down to me (30%)?

Do you think you could just be fairweather friends and put no more into it? Or is it something more difficult going on?

MayFayner · 05/12/2019 17:34

GBFs will pretty much always dump you/ fuck you over for another social arrangement that includes the chance of a shag IME.

Maybe that’s just my GBF 😂

Anyway I do see him less because of this- a lot less really. He would always disappear on a night out at some point.

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