10 weeks ago I found out that my husband of 9 years (together 14, 3 kids aged 6, 4 and 1) has been having an affair for over a year. The affair partner (now girlfriend?! Vomit) is a mutual friend who knows me and my kids. It started when I was 6 months pregnant with number 3 and I knew immediately something was wrong, so I spent months desperately trying to get him to talk to me - I thought he was clinically depressed and was comforting him when he was crying. He was completely distant and unloving towards me, even when I was pregnant and then had a newborn as well as the other two to look after. He starting to go "to the pub" every week, starting when our baby was 2 weeks old (turns out that's when he started sleeping with her, although it all started with a drunken snog at a wedding a few months earlier).
After months of begging him to tell me what was wrong and turning myself inside out to make him happy and support him, I pushed him for an answer as to why he was driving us into a wall and he said he thought it best if he left so we could just be friends - he couldn't tell me why, and changed his mind when I shouted at him, told him he was an idiot and threw my phone across the room (but still didn't tell me about the affair). He agreed to marriage counselling but turns out he carried on seeing her the whole time. He told me everything I'd done wrong in our marriage (I worked too hard, didn't get on with his mum, made him feel guilty for going out, am too independent, am not strict enough with the kids etc etc) and watched me kill myself trying to change and fix things, but he didn't move an inch. He told me I made him feel bad for going to Glastonbury for 5 days (which we used to go to together, got engaged there, ended our honeymoon there - but since having kids he just went with his friends while I stayed at home with the kids), then went there in the middle of all this, leaving me at home with 3 tiny kids (I later found out he had sex with her while he was there).
There were 4 more months after the "I think I should leave" revelation, with him saying he didn't know if he wanted to save our marriage or not, while I had panic attacks, lost loads of weight, couldn't eat or sleep - and he did nothing, just carried on seeing her it turns out. He finally told me about the affair in a marriage counseling session by reading out a confession he'd written on his phone - he'd always had feelings for her, this had happened because there were problems in our marriage (problems he didn't tell me about until he'd be shagging her for nearly a year), maybe something had always been missing between us and he's found it with her... then he said he still didn't know what he wanted! The next day he decided to leave but only because I made him tell me everything, I realised there was no coming back from this and forced him to say what he'd been too much of a coward to say all along. I suspect he was hoping I'd make the decision for him so he wouldn't have to be the bad guy - ha, too late dickhead! He walked out 3 weeks after our daughter started school, 3 weeks before our baby son's first birthday and a month before my maternity leave ended.
The kids are coping ok - my oldest's first thought was that it would be tough for me (he's 6), my daughter's been sad but is getting extra support at school. I've been ignoring him since we told the kids he was leaving (every conversation we had in person ended with me a sobbing wreck on the floor) and only communicating via email. I filed for divorce 3 weeks after he left (2 days before my baby's first birthday) and sent him a proposal as to how I could buy him out of the house (which of course he had ignored). I arranged individual counseling, reached out to friends for support and started to feel strong and like I was moving forwards for a while. But I feel like I've hit a wall now, and I feel just so miserable and anxious, mainly about the kids.
So far ex has been seeing the kids at the house - dropping them at school a couple of times a week, coming to do bedtime a couple of times and seeing them for a day at the weekend. It's hard having him in the house so much, but the kids are pleased to see him and I'm not losing much time with them. But he got the keys to his new flat at the weekend and the reality of them going to stay with him, away from me and their home, is starting to hit. I've hardly ever been away from any of them, but have never had a night away from our baby, who is now 13 months old. I know logically they need a good relationship with him, and that has to include weekends and some overnights. He said he wanted close to 50/50 time with them, but I think we'll end up with something nearer every other weekend and an overnight in the week plus extra school drop offs, just because they're so young and not used to being away from me. It can build over time, and I'm willing to be flexible for their sakes. But even the thought of that, of them being away and not being at home with me is killing me. The last few days I just can't stop crying.
Has anyone else had similar with such young kids, especially the baby? Any words of advice or encouragement? Any thing that helped you or the kids deal with all this? It feels like he's waiting for me to make all the arrangements, but how am I supposed to do that when I don't want any of this at all?
It all feels like it's too much to process - the betrayal, the end of my marriage, having to hand over my kids, being alone, him moving on to make a new life with someone else while he was still married to me (and while I was pregnant/had just given birth)... Eurgh.
Thanks for reading this far.