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Original poster

bloody husband!

24 replies

alexsmum · 27/09/2004 23:04

just want to have a gripe really. Dh has always been a very hands on dad, was always around in the morning,home for dinner so we could all eat together,did bathtimes with the kids, and I really appreciated it.He has a fab relationship with ds1 because of this.
However his job now involves major amounts of travelling.He leaves home on monday morning while we are all still in bed, and doesn't return until tuesday bedtime.In theory, he is meant to be around on wednesday, although this doesn't always work out.Then he is away thursday and friday.
I am a sahm and have scheduled in wednesday night for my evening of 'me time'.Nothing grand, just a trip to a slimming club and then a swim with a friend. I can't remember the last time I actually got this evening to myself because he is never home in time. This week, ds2 had a hospital appointment that dh has had in his book for ages, and yet he had to back out at the last minute due to work again.
Ds1 isn't getting used to daddy not being around and so I am the one who has to mop up the tears, when he wants daddy to read him a bedtime story but daddy is at the opposite end of the country.
When we do get time together, its great but especially on a sunday I feel myself getting really uptight and angry at the prospect of the week starting all over again.I asked him how much longer this was going to go on for, but I feel like I really can't cope with much more and he reckons at least another 12 months!!!
And to top it all off, he hasn't even called me tonight and his phone was turned off when I tried to call him.It's like out of sight out of mind!!
What shall I do? Do I just put up and shut up? What's the alternative???

OP posts:
Original poster
alexsmum · 27/09/2004 23:12

bump

OP posts:
bobs · 27/09/2004 23:14

alexsmum - I think its all the worse for you as your dh did such a lot with you before his job changed - I don't think mine would have been as bothered as your ds obviously is.
Presumably you've talked it over with dh - can he get out of what he is doing or shorten the 12 months?
Could Daddy read ds a bedtime story over the phone?
I don't think put up and shut up is good - say something - at least tell him to leave the phone on, or make a time for phoning.
Good luck

Original poster
alexsmum · 27/09/2004 23:19

bobs, I don't think he can get out of it and he has said himself that he is really enjoying the work so I don't think he wants to get out of it.
I feel like he has a priority list which is something like
work
kids
the house
me

OP posts:
bobs · 27/09/2004 23:25

A bit bad if he puts the house above you .
I think you'll just have to talk to him and hope he gives you the reassurance you need. Men and work - tricky as they're doing it all for the faimily of course!!

Original poster
alexsmum · 27/09/2004 23:32

I know he's doing for us.Do you think I'm being unreasonable?? Honestly I feel like a single parent sometimes.

OP posts:
JoolsToo · 27/09/2004 23:52

hasn't called and phone off?!! he'd be getting some serious grief from me!

Aero · 27/09/2004 23:55

This is hard AM - sounds a bit like what we go through and when we talked about it (communication v v important), it turns out that he feel very torn and pressured. Job v demanding, also doing a course, and trying to be here for family too.
I feel like I'm taken for granted just becauseI'm physically here, but it doesn't mean he doesn't feel bad about that, but he enjoys his work too and is doing it for us! Oooooooooh -tough one this and I need to go to bed, but will look out for it tomorrow. Sorry - am wilting...........night night.......

bobs · 27/09/2004 23:57

I don't think you're being unreasonable about how you feel, but on the other hand, in this day and age,people have to go where work dictates.
I tend to be realistic when dh has to go into work at weekends, can't spend as much time with the kids etc, and I think my kids are fine with it as they are used to it. Your ds will eventually come to accept that that's how things are, and dh will have to make up for it in other ways.

  • the phone thing's still bad though!
Original poster
alexsmum · 28/09/2004 10:46

dh phoned this morning and said he hadn't called last night because he hadn't got back from the pub till late.GRRRRR! So as well as never being around he's getting to have a social life, something denied to me because I always have to be at home with the children 'cos he's at work.
I could really do with some advice on how to deal with this guys.

OP posts:
coppertop · 28/09/2004 10:54

I think it's unfair that he gets a social life and you don't. Why is he not around on a Wednesday? Is it something he has some control over? If so then I think I would have to put my foot down about having some time to myself.

I would also be annoyed about the lack of phone call and the phone being switched off. I like the idea of perhaps having a bedtime story over the phone and/or a set time for him to call you.

Sorry you're having such a tough time.

sobernow · 28/09/2004 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MUMINAMILLION · 28/09/2004 10:58

I know how you feel - I was in much the same situation not so long ago. Felt so resentful that dh was never around, not just because he spent long hours at work but he would spend most evenings and weekends out too. I felt I was definately the bottom of his priorities and so frustrated that I did not have a social life too, because of the children.

In the end, when I realised that talking to him wasnt going to change him, I temporarily left, with the kids. It made him wise up and realise what he was going to lose permanently, if he didnt change. And I'm glad to say he did change, to the extent of changing his job too. Things are better now than they have ever been, and he has realised that work is important, but family has to take priority. And, he says he is so much happier now too. Dont really know how this will help you Im afraid, and I'm definately not advocating that you leave (too hard on the children)!! But he has to realise how much this is affecting you, as if it goes on too long there is the chance that things will become unrepairable. Really hope you can sort things out.

Original poster
alexsmum · 28/09/2004 11:03

he does try to get back on a wednesday,just seems like weeks since he did! I brought it up on the phone this morning and he said " i was home last wednesday and you didn't go out". Yes, because it was the one wednesday ever when my friend couldn't make it! Sod's law! Plus I thought it might be nice for us to spend an evening together.
Maybe this situation would be different if I had family nearby and lots of support, but I don't.
I'm not paranoid in terms of affairs if that's what you mean.But i'm pretty certain that it is easier to turn the phone off and have a nice evening in the pub rather than have to talk to moaning wife!

OP posts:
sobernow · 28/09/2004 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Easy · 28/09/2004 11:18

My view is that Okay, he needs a job, he likes this job, it pays the bills, and may be good for his career progression.
BUT
He can't just abandon the thought of you and the kids for 48 hrs twice a week just cos he has to be away. My dh was away Monday - Friday for 3 months earlier this year. During that time we swapped e-mails most days, we phoned each other EVERY evening (cost a fortune in phone bills but worth it), and ds could ring Daddy whenever he had something to tell him. Dh only turned off his phone to go swimming now and then. I certainly don't see why he has to turn off his phone to go to the pub. If it's peergroup pressure (you know blokes "Ha, under the thumb", "little woman at home" type stuff), then he's more of a man if he considers you, than putting his work mates first.

As far as your life is concerned, if this is going to go on for 12 months or more, get organised now with a regular babysitter. If you don't know anyone, then ask at your local private nursery if any junior staff want extra money, or if any childminders would do 1 evening a fortnight or something.

If you try to force dh to leave his job, I'd think it'd cause problems with your relationship.

Original poster
alexsmum · 28/09/2004 11:20

it's such a difficult situation because this is his job. He has to be where his client is and that just happens to be the opposite end of the country. If he refused to go then, it would be a big black mark against him.And he needs to work so we can live. But I can't help feeling " this isn't what I signed up for".I want the life I had before with a husband who was around all week.I feel bad moaning because he does try, he commutes a lot so he can come home as often as possible, and this leaves him knackered.I wouldn't leave because I really love him and he loves me and he's a fab dad..when he's here!

OP posts:
Easy · 28/09/2004 12:13

I know it's hard Alexsmum, but sometimes you do just have to accept that life changes, and make the best of the change. Doesn't mean I approve of your dh being incommunicado tho'.

what do you think about a babysitter so you get out one night when dh is away?

cranberry · 05/10/2004 14:30

alexsmum - God do I know what your going through!!!! My dh is away at least 2 nights a week and travels miles everday. He's so tried when he is home he falls asleep on the sofa and it a complete waste of space at the weekend. Actually things have become pretty strained between and I feel the more time he spends away the worst it is becoming. I've tried talking to him but seem to be getting know where. I really love him but like yourself just don't know what to do!

Grommit · 05/10/2004 15:18

Alexsmum - I also understand what you are going through- my dh works away in Amsterdam during the week. I found it difficult at first but once I got myself into a routine it is OK. In fact I rather enjoy a few evenings to myself watching rubbish tv and eating what I like! I work ft and have 2 kids so it is a bit of a struggle in the mornings but you get used to it. Maybe you could invite a friend around some evenings for some adult company?

Uwila · 05/10/2004 15:20

Oh right, can I join this club? The difference I have is that we both work. DH leaves on Sunday night or Monday morning and doesn't return until Thurs or Friday evening. I work just as much as he does. He thinks it is his God given right to go wherever his career takes him. I disagree. Then, on the weekend when I think ahhh finally he's home, I can go do something ofr me. Nope, not the case. He says it's his weekend. So he spends it reading, recording music, working on his website, whatever hobby he so chooses.

I think it's absolute crap. I work harder than he does all week long, and sometimes it should be MY BLOODY TURN for a weekend break.

MEN! They are rubbish sometimes.

We had major rows about the worl all week. WE finally got an au pair / nanny so that she couldlook after the toddler and keep the house tidy whilst we both work. It used to be that my DH would come home on Friday, remark on the messy state of the house and say "what have youbeen doing all week?" Excuse me... at least I come home every night!

GRRRRRRRRR.... This is biggest rant of all. I positively have no tolerance for men who think they have a right to follow their career whist they expect their wives to put theirs on hold.

Now, I've said a lot about my career. But,I think all the same arguments apply to SAHMs. I really do. Just because your work is inside the home doesn't mean it is supposed to evolve around his.

And, I agree, that is he is committed to this schedule for 12 months, your best option may be just to hire a b-sitter so that youget in your "me" time. Why shouldn't you? You need a life too. In fact I think you need it more than Mums who work outside the home.

alicatsg · 05/10/2004 15:29

hmm I think this is men for you - mine is a sahd and even tho I work full time and have a long commute, and do all housework and loads of baby care around work, he's the one who needs the lie-in at the w/e and the afternoon off. I think us girls are just way more resilient.

that said having my phone off is a total no-no and I would expect to get a telling off for being out of touch to be in the pub. Give him hell says I.

blueteddy · 05/10/2004 16:44

I was just last night thinking of starting a very similar thread!
My dh is not away but may as well be, as he is working 12 hr overtime shift all week (this includes Saturday & Sunday) & leaves way b4 the kids wake up & returns home around 8.30pm.
I felt really down yesterday evening, as I had worked until 3.30 pm & then come home 2 an into everything toddler & a 5 year old who was not doing as he was told and ended up losing it & really shouting at ds1 at bath time & then feeling really guilty afterwards.
Dh works like this regually, as he thinks about all the extra money that it will make us, but I am beginning 2 crack up & the thought of it continuing throughout the whole weekend is really depressing me.
Sorry 2 have gone on & not be any help but I had 2 get it off my chest & let u know you r not alone!

Original poster
alexsmum · 11/10/2004 12:33

ok here's an update! thanks to all who posted.I haven't seen this thread for a while and so didn't realise it had grown! Glad I'm not the only one!!
Well, it all came to a head when in the same week he left his phone off, he arranged to meet me for lunch and stood me up because of a meeting!! We had the most god almighty humdinger of rows and once I had calmed down we sat and had a proper talk and reached a compromise about the work/home issue.We have agreed that while he has to work away for 48 hours each week, he also has to be around for a continuous 48 hours in the week.He has to have his phone on at all times.Things have settled down and he's kept to his word and I feel much bettter about things. Less alone.More valued.
Sometimes a massive row can help!!!!

OP posts:
Easy · 11/10/2004 12:37

Oh you are soooooo right. Sometimes you just need to let him know (in very definate terms) how you are feeling, and let off some of the frustrations and steam yourself.

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