How to tell him i've found a new place

[Flyg]

Hi, hoping for some advice on what to include in an email to my exP to inform him that I have now got the keys to my new house, and will be living there and so will the kids when I have them.

Background - We split on April 1st this year. There was verbal/emotional and in the end physical abuse from him. This all started when we moved into our current house and I was 8 months pregnant. We have 2 dc's aged 2 and 4. As a result of EA suffered in this house I have decided beyond any doubt that I can not go on living there and have suggested a sum for him to buy me out.

I have now started renting somewhere new. When he is home we currently split the childcare almost 50/50 (i think its probably 55/45, me doing slightly more to be exact). But when he works, he works away and so i have the kids all the time and this can be up to 7 weeks at a time.

Im just wondering whether anyone else who has ever done this, would have any advice on how to word the email explaining my plan. All that will change is instead of us sharing the house we jointly own (he stays at his mums when i have them, i stay at my mums when he has them) when I have them they will now stay at my new place.

Any advice would be appreciated. I am at the end of a hellish 4 years and in particular 2019 will go down as the hardest year of my whole life, but i do feel like light is at the end of the tunnel now, and getting the kids used to my place will be almost the final step to being free from the horrible life I was existing in.

Thanks

To clarify, you have separated from your partner and moved out and you want to tell him you have moved into a new house and that when the children are with you (you mentioned 50/50 split) they will be with you at your new house?
Why would your ex thing that the children would be anywhere else? Is he expecting them to always be in the house you shared and you come and go when he isn’t looking after them?

Personally, I would make sure the rental goes through. Use the time he's with the kids in the former family home to get yourself sorted (he doesn't need to know you're not staying at your mums - neither do your kids).

Once you're happy with everything, just email him along the lines of:

FYI, I'm moving out this week so the kids will be coming with me until X date when it's your turn. I will drop them off at X time / you can pick them up from X place at X time.

Keep it neutral as possible. Stage facts, don't leave any hint that you're asking permission, or that any of this is optional.

Maybe chase up on how he's getting on arranging to buy you out?

Why do you have to tell him anything? It's none of his business since you split and he assaulted you.

Put distance between you and hard boundaries. He is not a good person nor a fit Father if he uses abuse and his hands to force his way.

Drop kids off on his days and collect on yours if you have a car or use your mum as the drop point. The kids are priority not how ex feels or what is convenient for him.

Is there any legal requirement to tell him where the children will be overnight?

Do you want him to have your new address? Are you concerned for your safety or privacy?
Do you want the hand overs to be in a neutral spot (your former home, your DMs, a car park) - or are you happy for him to come to your new place?

Have you decided if you will allow him on the property? On the drive or in the front door? If so - are you worried about communicating that to him?

How has his behaviour been since April? How do you expect him to react? Do you feel threatened?

To clarify, you have separated from your partner and moved out and you want to tell him you have moved into a new house and that when the children are with you (you mentioned 50/50 split) they will be with you at your new house?
Why would your ex thing that the children would be anywhere else? Is he expecting them to always be in the house you shared and you come and go when he isn’t looking after them?

Yes thats correct.

And yes, I think he might be expecting that i'd keep looking after him at our former shared home. At least until he buys me out which is why i think he is dragging his feet awfully.

Personally, I would make sure the rental goes through. Use the time he's with the kids in the former family home to get yourself sorted (he doesn't need to know you're not staying at your mums - neither do your kids).

Once you're happy with everything, just email him along the lines of:

FYI, I'm moving out this week so the kids will be coming with me until X date when it's your turn. I will drop them off at X time / you can pick them up from X place at X time.

Keep it neutral as possible. Stage facts, don't leave any hint that you're asking permission, or that any of this is optional.

Maybe chase up on how he's getting on arranging to buy you out?

Thank you. Yes I keep chasing and he just doesnt respond. I think once Christmas and new year is out of the way I might need to get a solicitor.

Im moved in now but still waiting for a few things to be delivered, so i'm not going to tell him until I intend to stay there with the kids.

Why do you have to tell him anything? It's none of his business since you split and he assaulted you.

Put distance between you and hard boundaries. He is not a good person nor a fit Father if he uses abuse and his hands to force his way.

Drop kids off on his days and collect on yours if you have a car or use your mum as the drop point. The kids are priority not how ex feels or what is convenient for him.

I do have a car. This might be what I do, but i'll have to explain why all of a sudden i'm turning up and taking the kids somewhere else, instead of just turning up and taking over there.

Is there any legal requirement to tell him where the children will be overnight?

Do you want him to have your new address? Are you concerned for your safety or privacy?
Do you want the hand overs to be in a neutral spot (your former home, your DMs, a car park) - or are you happy for him to come to your new place?

Have you decided if you will allow him on the property? On the drive or in the front door? If so - are you worried about communicating that to him?

How has his behaviour been since April? How do you expect him to react? Do you feel threatened?

I dont think theres a legal requirement. It would more be out of courtesy because he's their dad. I've decided I will allow him downstairs only, when picking up or dropping off. For the kids sake so its more normal. I'll also always make sure someone else is there.

I expect him to kick off and demand to inspect the property.

but i'll have to explain

Nope. You don’t.

And you should arrange shared care of the children through solicitors and court.

Get legal advice asap. Why wait until after Christmas? You are better off to know now where you stand legally regarding him buying you out, formal access for the kids etc. I wouldn't tell him anything until you have spoken to a solicitor.

Get a solicitor, don't wait. You need to get everything, including access to your dc, made official.

He can't demand to inspect the property, it's your private home. I agree that I'd keep as much information from him as possible. He has no right or need to know all of the details of your life.

Are your dc ok with him, if he's been so abusive to you? And you're afraid of his reaction to your new home. Were social services or the police ever invloved? That would all be taken in to account when you go through the courts.

See a solicitor now, don't wait. You don't have to allow him in your home at all, ever.

OP you may want to cross reference with this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3745666-Ex-husband-and-new-kitchen?msgid=91639775

and take note of the advice therein. Nip it all in the bud, now.

It’s about boundaries and power.

He will pollute, control, dominate and mark your new place with his toxicity and abuse like he has done to the family home.

You will never get any peace - he will destroy this for you.

You need v firm, clear boundaries that you need to uphold - otherwise you will never be free of him and all of your efforts will be for nothing.

I would arrange handovers on neutral ground. I would deadline the house sale - if he hasn’t exchanged by x date - a court order will force a sale.

Have you done the freedom programme?

Complying to any of his nonsense is NEVER for the good if the children. They need to be shown that with unreasonable abusive people boundaries are extra high, extra wide, extra deep and held v firm - non negotiable with crystal clear consequences which are communicated ahead and enacted immediately without discussion.

You need the law in your side here if you ever want to be free of him mentally and physically. He is not above that - and the courts are well aware of the tactics of such men frustrating the system and continuing to abuse their xP through the process. It’s coercive control and is illegal. Get heavy with him.

Thank you all for your advice. I’ll see a solicitor next week.

Are you responsible for the mortgage on the family home? You need legal advice.

He has no right to ‘inspect’ your new property. He has no right of entry, you can take the dc back to the family home to swap them over plus you have the right to access the family home when you want until he buys you out. Use this to your advantage.