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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me think straight again

23 replies

Whenisitenough2 · 03/12/2019 16:19

I left ex recently (a week ago) because he was a controlling arse trying to isolate me and DD from my family. I know it was the right thing to do. But now I have him messaging me things like it's killing him us being so far away, and loves us so much it hurts. That he would like to be the partner and dad we deserve and if we would come back and try to be a family again. I've repeatedly said no, but now I'm almost feeling bad for him. Please someone tell me I should stick on this course.

For context the last straw came when he said he didn't want my mum influencing me. He is now saying because I said she wasn't he doesn't see what the issue is and that he wasn't being controlling, however im sure if I said yes this is all my mum talking things would be different.

OP posts:
Fairycake2 · 03/12/2019 16:35

Try and remember why you left in the first place. Write it down if you need to. Don't let him blackmail you or bully you into going back but if you do want to make another go of it make sure it's for the right reasons. Mind you if hes controlling it sounds like you already have made the right choice. Stay strong and go no contact if you can

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/12/2019 16:38

Please just block him. On everything. Now.

The fact that he is now hounding you and emotionally blackmailing you (which he is) rather than respecting your space, tells you all you need to know.

Stick to your guns and trust your instinct and the reasons why you left. Stay strong. You can do this.

AF123 · 03/12/2019 16:38

He's manipulating you, you need to remember why you left.
He's just saying the right things to get you back, he won't change.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/12/2019 10:32

How are you holding up, @Whenisitenough2 ?

TowelNumber42 · 04/12/2019 10:38

Tell him you need time to think so you would like him to drop the topic for a month. If he does not respect your wishes and is still all me me me then you have your answer about whether he will listen to you or not.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/12/2019 11:00

but now I'm almost feeling bad for him
Look at why you feel like this?
He is manipulative. It's all part of the control.
He's lost and now he will do literally anything to 'hoover' you back in.
Think about your poor DD.
Think about this controlling nob-head as her male role model!
Just NO!
Why would you do that to her?
It's still all about HIM.
Stand firm on this.
BLOCK him.
Stop allowing him to get inside your head.
An abuser and controller will always get back in your headspace if you allow it.
Stop allowing it.
Stop 'wanting' the contact.
Look out for you and your DD - right now!
STOP thinking about him.
He is NOT worth it and you know it.
Stop clinging on to any hope.
You do NOT need a man.
Stop responding. Block, ignore, delete.
Job done!!!!!!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/12/2019 11:05

He did not feel bad for you when he was abusing you and in turn your child.

Ignore his messages and block him as of now. Do not give this man any more power by providing him with headspace. This is all deliberate on his part and designed by him to further manipulate you and suck you right back in. He has not changed, he just wants you to think that he has. Its also a standard tactic in their arsenal.

Such men also hate women, all of them. Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Please look at the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and enrol yourself onto this. Men like this can and do erode boundaries and yours, already weakened by him, will be further mashed by him if you engage with him at all.

YouJustDoYou · 04/12/2019 11:13

This is what they ALL say when trying to reel the woman back in.

He's shown you already his true colours- believe him in that, not these fancy dressed-up lies designed to trick you into going back to him.

TowelNumber42 · 04/12/2019 11:22

But now I have him messaging me things like

it's killing him us being so far away I want, I need.

loves us so much it hurts I want, I need.

That he would like to be the partner and dad we deserve vague aspiration for which he has shown no previous desire or action. I wonder what he thinks you deserve. So far it hasn't been pleasant has it?

and if we would come back and try to be a family again First you must do what I want then I will try to be less controlling, if I think you deserve it. I define being a family as meaning you lot being right here in the house under my thumb, if we live apart then I don't think of you as my family.

Original poster
Whenisitenough2 · 04/12/2019 18:11

I am better today. Thinking about what's best for DD is what keeps me strong, it's when he tries to use my love for her against me or it feels that way. Not sure how I can go no contact with DD but I'm just trying to ignore any texts not relating to her. Luckily today he hasn't tried to call or message at all.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 05/12/2019 18:48

Good work on ignoring the selfish whining texts. I recommend that when you read them you look at each sentence and think who it is about, I bet you'll end up reading them as "I want. I want. I want. What about me. You are mean"

SevenStones · 05/12/2019 19:02

Why don't you write yourself a letter, as if you were writing to a close pal, detailing everything that he's done and why you left. Then, whenever he's pressuring you like this, just take a few minutes to have a quiet read of it.

willowmelangell · 05/12/2019 19:24

Trust your reasons for making him an ex.
My ex isolated me from my family. I didn't see my mum for 8 years then she died suddenly.
Please don't be me.

That forever loving partnership that he is dangling in front of you? It is a hook. Words. If he was genuinely that partner at his core, you would have had that already. It is a fake put on. Cold, calculated, deliberate and extremely manipulative.
Keep saying no. Or better yet, ignore his attempts to reel you in.
Good luck and stay determined.

Original poster
Whenisitenough2 · 05/12/2019 20:27

Thank you all, really helps me stay focused.

@SevenStones this is a great suggestion, I find myself trying to remember all the things he has done and said but it can sometimes get a bit cloudy.. either from exhaustion or trying to recall all of the things he has done. I think a letter and reading it in peace would help me tremendously thank you Smile.

This evening I've had a phone call (didn't answer) and texts saying that we need to talk this weekend and can't leave things how they are. @TowelNumber42 I've read the messages and what I get is we need to speak so I can convince you not to leave and the sooner I do it the better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenisitenough2 · 05/12/2019 20:51

Oh and a new one, 'I don't understand why we can't talk on the phone like normal people'

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenisitenough2 · 05/12/2019 21:28

@willowmelangell so sorry for your lost Flowers.

OP posts:
Dery · 06/12/2019 23:19

Hi @Whenisitenough2 - I think I remember your earlier thread: he wanted your 13-mth old DD to hug people because they’re family members?

As others have said, people with abusive tendencies only care when they are the ones hurting. So yes, right now, he’s hurting and he wants you to fix that by coming back to him. Abusers also seem to have a sense of ownership of the people they’re with - as if those people are somehow their playthings rather than their equals. But what he was offering was increasingly controlling and abusive and therefore unacceptable. And you need to keep away because that behaviour gets worse, not better. This is also why you can’t just have a conversation about this. Is it possible for you initially to have a dialogue through intermediaries - your mother/his mother perhaps - so that he doesn’t feel completely out of touch with his DD?

Louise91417 · 06/12/2019 23:24

Hes a control freak whose panicking because hes losing control so,when all else fails, a good old dose of emotional blackmail so he can get back in charge. Block him..forever.

ChristmasFluff · 07/12/2019 18:55

You do not have to be available to him via text for your DD - have an email account only for communicating with him about her. Only check it when there is something to arrange - or better yet, have a friend or family member check it for you daily - but they have to swear to only tell you things related to your daughter. Bjut keep every email - you may need the evidence eventually. . Then block him off everything else.

If you can't do that - if you find yourself finding reasons why you 'can't' - ask yourself why you are still holding onto the dream that this can be fixed. It can't.

TowelNumber42 · 07/12/2019 21:24

He really doesn't like you knowing your own mind, does he?

Normal people can talk on the phone like normal people. If one of you is abnormal, him, then that's why you can't talk like normal people.

He obviously gives no fucks about anything you've said.

Honeyroar · 07/12/2019 21:29

I agree- write a list of things he’s done that we’re wrong and read it every time you’re wobbling. Then look at your child and remember you don’t want them growing up thinking his behaviour is normal.

Personally I’d text him “there’s nothing to talk about- it’s over.” Then block him. You don’t need any more interaction with him, particularly if it’s wearing you down.

Nicolastuffedone · 08/12/2019 06:39

Of course he wants you back! Who else has he got to control if you’re not there!! It’s a power thing, not a ‘love’ thing! Stay resolute in your decision, you’re doing exactly the right thing.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 08/12/2019 09:27

I very nearly wavered but when I didn't I got "I'm in a bad way" guilt trips and then when that didn't work I got insults about my age and basically how I'm old and unattractive and nobody else will want me and how fucking evil I am. I'm not evil. I'm finally finding my boundaries and sticking to them and that controlling arse doesn't like it one bit.

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