What happens if husband makes false allegations?

[everythingiwanted]

I’ve been married for 14 years and it’s never been great for many reasons. During this time my husband has said on several occasions that if I were to ever leave him he could afford a much better lawyer than me and he’d get the children. It’s true - I’m a SAHM and he is a very high earner. He has said that he would lie if he had to to make sure he got them and would allege abuse. If he does that - what happens? The children are 10 and 3. Would I automoatically lose them? There’s absolutely no truth in any of it, I do nearly all the childcare as it stands, dh spends minimal time with the dc. This threat is making me feel scared to move ahead with anything.

Well you obviously need to leave this horrible person. Can you secretly record his threats?

Record his threats. Multiple instances if possible.

Also, you already being the main caregiver goes massively in your favour. How would he look after them if he's working full time? You, however, can and already do. His high earnings would just mean that you'd be more likely to receive a decent amount of child maintenance.

Whet the fuck? He sounds appalling. It would be very unlikely (as you are the main caregiver) he would get custody. Bit you could get a lot of maintenance. I think you possibly should!

I can’t record them because it’s literally been a handful of times over the years and I don’t know when he will say it or even if he will say it again.
How seriously is it likely to be taken? My children are extremely bonded to me.

Realistically I’d have to find a full time job and then I guess id be in the same position as him in terms of hours, although not financially. He does travel as well.

If that happened they wouldn't believe him, that's what would happen. Abusive men always try this line and they don't win, no matter how expensive their solicitor. If your kids are bonded to you it's highly unlikely he could persuade anyone that they shouldn't be with you.

You need to get something documented. Talk to Women's Aid. Talk to friends and family. Screenshot any threats.

Abusive men ALWAYS threaten to get custody, it's basically their worldwide motto. He says it because he knows it's a threat that terrifies you and keeps you in line.

Try to gather evidence of his abuse now, such as financial abuse, if he emotionally or verbally abuses you, any time he's been cruel to you or the children. Keep a diary of events (maybe a note taking app with a secure password that he wouldn't guess?). Keep calm and gather evidence against him. It'll serve you in good stead when you leave him.

Don't tell him you're thinking about leaving him, he'll make it much more difficult for you. Gather the evidence, plan how you're going to go, and then present it as fait accompli (or do a flit and only communicate via text email, your choice)

I’ve tried women's Aid and can’t get through.

OP, every single divorce lawyer and judge will have heard this old trope a million times. Forget it. He wouldn't have a cats chance in hell of getting the DC and they know it's the most common for m of contraol and shows astonishing lack of imagination. You should divorce him for this alone.

Crack on. Get yourself to a solicitor. It doesn't matter if his is more expensive, the law is the law and she wears a blindfold for a reason!

You don't have to stay with him. Get free. Make a life for yourself and your kids. He will have to support them.

I do nearly all the childcare as it stands, dh spends minimal time with the dc.

I would do what you can to provide evidence of this. After all, he is about to claim you are an unfit mother (I’m guessing the abuse allegation is directed towards the children) yet he is quite happy to leave you in sole charge of his children almost all of the time whilst you are married to him. To be convincing about the abuse allegation, a decent parent would take the children far away from the abuser to protect them and certainly not leave them alone day in day out.

There are things to fear, particularly regarding how you manage to financially survive during a protracted divorce.

But allegations of abuse and losing the kids are not going to happen. As others say/imply -- if you are abusive, (a) why hasn't he reported anything so far? (b) why does he leave the kids with you for such long periods? (c) what evidence does he have?

However, most divorces these days would involve him having a reasonable degree of contact with the kids (assuming he wants it), and would expect you to be considering work, particularly as kids enter school. So, some changes likely to be afoot.

OrangeZog makes an excellent point and this is exactly what happened in my case. My very affluent and vitriolic ex alleged that I was mentally ill and an alcoholic, therefore unfit to have custody of our son. However, aside from the fact that there was no evidence to support his assertions, my barrister ripped him to shreds by pointing out that if our son was at risk in my care then he (the ex) had been massively negligent by moving 40 miles away to live with an OW. He simply couldn’t explain why he’d done that and was made to look like a total idiot. I don’t think you have anything to worry about - but I do appreciate how frightening it is when someone makes these threats.

If he travels a lot for work that’s another reason why he might not get the kids full time. It smacks of an empty threat to me although I appreciate it’s worrying

My ex tried all the allegations about my mental health, lied about things I'd said etc. Nothing at all in court is listened to unless there is external proof, such as police statements, doctors' letters, evidence from social workers etc Judges have no way of knowing who is telling the truth so all they can go on is undisputed evidence from other professionals. He'll get nowhere by bowling in and making up things about you. Like someone else said, why would he leave the childcare to you if he really did have serious concerns. It's just nonsense.

It might be worth your while going to your doctor or calling your health visitor if you have one, and saying he's threatening to say things about you and can they give you advice. Then it's on record that you have actively sought advice yourself about his threats and behaviour.

Please keep trying to get through to Women’s Aid, it’s always worth it. Either the national helpline or the local office if you have one - or any other organisation that supports women (who may be) experiencing domestic abuse.

He says these things to scare and control you.

You'll be able to afford a lawyer because half the marital assets are yours.

Your best bet is to go and get legal advice on the quiet now. Find all the financial paperwork you can and get all the information together.

I would try and do as others say -

Document everything. The time he spends away, the time he spends with the children when he is home, who does what in terms of organising them etc

If you ever have a 'hypothetical' chat about splitting, try and record him

If he is not interested in the kids when he is there I would also guess it's a case of trying to threaten you or stop you leaving, than he actually wants the kids. You could call his bluff and say ok to 50 50 care as you want them to have a good relationship with him, but make it clear that all pick ups / drop offs / appointments/ staying home while kids are sick / organising school stuff will be his responsibility on his days. I would guess that the reality of it will be different to what he imagines and not compatible with his work and hobbies etc

I would try and look into getting work now as it will be easier to leave and also easier to request flexible working when you've been in work a while.

At the end if the day, courts will be used to wild accusations and no matter how much money he throws at it, they would still need quite a lot of proof before taking kids away from their primary carer. They would also question why, if he thought you were such an awful parent, he let you spend so much time alone with them.

Not sure how old the children are but they may also take their views into account

He has figured out your weak spot and that’s your dc. He’s using it to control you.
Leave him, it’s not about money you being able to keep your kids

Firstly, your 10 year old would surely be able to confirm that you haven’t been abusive. So that would throw that out of the water. Plus, I went to see a solicitor about my emotionally and financially abusive husband with multiple well documented examples. He would still get access. Where’s his proof? You can’t just say “she’s abusive”. It doesn’t work like that. Do you know how overloaded social services are? With proper abuse and alcoholic type cases. They don’t have time for time wasters like your husband. Be confident in your abilities as a parent. What about his school? Your 10 year old. What’s his school record like? Do you have a good relationship with the teachers? They’ll speak to the school. They know who is being neglected. None of these people are stupid. The fact that he’s threatening to make up lies about you is in fact abusive. It’s called coercive control. It’s illegal. Get yourself informed. Do you know how much he earns? Go online and work out how much maintenance you would get. What’s your property situation. Assets? Do you have access to any money? If you do, it’s worth paying a couple of hundred for an hours consultation with a good divorce solicitor. However, ring round all your local solicitors tomorrow and ask if they offer a free half hour. Most do. You can do this. Also look at the website Rights for Women. Also post in the legal section on mumsnet. You CAN get away from this man. My friend got away from her abusive husband. She didn’t have a penny. Nothing. She did it. She’s now thriving. So happy. A new life is out there for you away from this abuser

Also depending on what he is alleging you could always look to disprove it in advance eg if you think he would say you take drugs you could get a drugs test, if he is going to say you are depressed you could go to the GP and get an initial assessment etc so it's all on record

If he financially abuses you (you dont have free access to your own money) keeo financial records

Needless to say, keep everything secret eg email it all to yourself on an email address he doesnt know and delete it from everything else.

Also legal advice wouldnt hurt

Your DC school should be able to back you up if allegations of abuse were made. Schools are usually the first place to pick up on children showing any signs of abuse at home, be that physical or mental. It wouldn't go amiss to have a discreet chat with teachers if you get the opportunity. Like the courts, most schools will have come across parents using kids as pawns in marriage break downs numerous times.
Medical records would also help support you against an abuse allegation.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

After I found out my ex husband had arranged to meet a 19 year old for drinks, and lied to me about it, I confronted him.

He said that if I ever left him, he would rack up loads of debt, quit his job, leave, and never see the kids again.
It took me a year to leave him- he didn't do any of those things.

When I started seeing someone else, he threatened to kill himself ( repeatedly), break into my house while I was at work...
He didn't do any of those things.

He's vandalised my car, he's been a jerk, tried to control me/ intimidate me financially.
Through it all, I've had my kids. He sees them, he pays me child support. He's an asshole, but he didn't follow through.

That year thay I spent, frozen in fear was the worst in my life. I finally got the courage to go when I realised I couldn't stand one more second of being with him. I realised that what ever he does, he does- I can't control that.

I'm incredibly grateful that I had retrained, and had my first paycheck just one month before it all started.

So, get yourself together. Try and do whatever you need to do so that you can stand on your own two feet. Collect evidence.
When you're ready, you'll go. Just remember that he is a bully- he will try and intimidate you whether you are on your own or with him. You can't control that.

Good luck
😊

My exh told me similar.
He spent years post divorce trying to discredit me to the dc.
They went nc.
With him..
He sounds awful.
Seek legal advice.

He knows DC are your Achilles heel, of course he's going to use the threat of losing them to keep you in line! I bet if you asked him what criteria the courts would use to make those decisions he wouldn't have a clue though, it's an empty threat with no factual basis OP, it's what he wants you to believe, nothing more.

You are the DC's main only carer and that will presumably be visible, so child benefit in your name, you attending school/nursery pick ups/drop offs, doctors appointments etc. Combined with him travelling for work and potentially eldest DC's wishes being taken into account he wouldn't stand a hope in hell of 'getting the children' OP so please don't let him scare you.

But I would let him think he had, whilst I quietly went about making my plans and getting several steps ahead of him. Start looking into legal advice, get as much financial information together as you can and keep posting here for advice, knowledge is power and his word isn't gospel, even if he wants you to think it is