How difficult is it to find a decent man???

[Rebecca75]

2 years divorced, have had some dates, some flings - nothing long enough to call a relationship. How difficult is it to find someone to share my life with? And where to meet them?? I don't NEED a partner but I'd like to have one...

I'm nearly 45 btw..

Tinder and the likes just don't seem to be doing it for me.. Am I destined to be a single 'divorcee' forever???

I think 45 year old decent men are all taken aren't they? Women are usually the ones who file for divorce and it would be highly unusual for a woman to divorce a decent man.

That just leaves the alcoholics, the depressives, the poor/unemployed and the commitment shy.

Sorry!

You need to change the age bracket ime.
I met now dh in a wine bar at 41...
He was 31!!!

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 that is such a depressing thought 😂

It is hard but not impossible.

I found a treasure and I am early fifties so hang in there. I think this concept that all the 'good' men are already taken comes from the fact that statistically there are more 'difficult' men out in the dating pool and the good ones don't get divorced and are already and remain settled. Whilst this is probably true, I think the key is to shift through the pile to find a 'good' one and not waste your time on the losers which will only add to your frustration and despondency.

Attachment theory is a very good place to research the types of men and why they behave the way they do. To give you an idea of what to look out for and what to avoid. Also using paid dating sites can sift out the time wasters and cheaters.

To use that cheesy line (brrrr…), it's a numbers game. Good luck.

That just leaves...the depressives

Yes, god forbid someone should form a relationship with someone with a mental illness.

Haha, some depressingly amusing replies.

So... which dating sites weed out the undesirables? I Havent ever paid for a dating site...

Times Online, Guardian Soulmates, My Single Friend. All part of the same group. My partner was on a different site to me but appeared on mine.

I found my gem of a second husband at the age of 43 (he's a couple of years younger). Re the theory that women don't divorce a decent man, my husband's ex came out. So no fault of his that they divorced!

Don't give up hope. The paid dating sites such as match.com tend to be better. But I agree it gets harder as you get older. Mine was a 2 year search!

I went on very brief dates with people I saw as possibles. Drinks only. One hour maximum. You can tell within the first few minutes whether there is any attraction/connection. I would be polite to those who didn't float my boat or who had lied on the site (height and age a big no, no for me) but only invest an hour of my time.

This is quite an interesting area of scientific study, and there's a lot of info out there speculating on this :-)

blogs.sas.com/content/sastraining/2014/10/16/how-do-men-rate-women-on-dating-websites-part-2/

When you look at how men rate women on dating websites, their ratings average out more or less to produce a normal distribution, i.e. a bell curve (a few 1s, a few 10s, a lot of women in the middle). A very expected result, as most human characteristics follow this pattern.

When you look at how women rate men, something very different emerges. Women judge men much more harshly. Basically, in women's eyes, most men are below average. Which is a statistical impossibility, but it shows something interesting I think.

Women seem to be much more discriminating in their choices, than men (which is something I think we can all see, anecdotally). Evolutionary biologists suggest this evolved because, basically, the costs to women of picking the "wrong" mate are enormous, so they have evolved to be extremely choosy (relatively), and in effect to compete for the top 20% of men.

Hence the very asymmetrical experiences of men and women on dating sites. Women can't find a decent man amongst all the weirdos and dick pics. Most average men can't get anyone to talk to them at all.

thedancingbear

*That just leaves...the depressives

Yes, god forbid someone should form a relationship with someone with a mental illness*

Most people wouldn’t purposely pick someone that suffers from severe/moderate MH issues, it’s a lot to take on and deal with in a new relationship specially if you don’t suffer from MH issues yourself.

I wouldn’t want to take on someone that was depressive. Never knowing what mood or kind of take they will be having.

Completely different when they develop while in a long term relationship.

Interesting post diss. My friend struggles to get dates as he is about 5.7/5.8and not bad looking

Even women who are shorter than average, say 5.2 put on their profiles 6ft plus and dont look twice at him

From female friends have told i do suspect women are far fussier in swiping than men

Guardian Soulmates threw up a lot of really nice dates and my current partner. Other online sites turned up absolutely nowt. If you're going to spend on a site I'd try that.

Have you thought about a dating agency? I thought it would be a bit cringe and I was worried I would be embarrassed about it all, but it was fine, not cringe, not embarrassing and I met someone amazing.

Diss, or is it because the 50% of securely attached men who don't mess with your minds, run away from intimacy etc etc are much less likely to end up on dating sites because they form long term 'happy' relationships. Which leaves a mix of anxious and avoidants to choose from in the dating pool which are generally difficult to impossible to form relationships with, without the need for long term therapy! Hence women form a poor view because the sample are not viable prospects?

However, there are a few diamonds in the pond. You just have to keep searching!

There are decent ones out there so you have to keep trying. I gave up so many times and went back when in a better frame of mind. I'm glad I did because I met a great guy.

@wherearemymarbles - most women I know go for over 6ft too.

Including myself when I’m looking but I’m 5’7.

"Women can't find a decent man amongst all the weirdos and dick pics."

I think the issue here is that all the average, decent but boring guys just are instantly forgotten and swiped past. But the weirdos and sleazebags are more memorable and stick in the memory, leaving the false impression they are far more prevalent than they are.

I found it easy to meet men, but not the right ones. I had to be careful who I let around my children and most of them didn't cut it. I did online dating for around 2 years, met up with about 7 but must have chatted to hundreds before I met my husband and it all just fell into place. I think you need to persevere but not be too serious. Meet men who aremt your usual type and you may be pleasantly surprised.

I've had lots of nice dates. A few short relationships but nothing that has stuck. Definitely a lot of baggage out there. But that probably runs both ways.