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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

finally leaving..

19 replies

LCScotmum · 03/12/2019 12:22

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3660191-Emotional-abuse-or-am-I-too-sensitive?messages=100&pg=1

Hi everyone,

I've posted the link to my previous thread if you have time to read. Since that time me and my husband have spoke a lot, he admitted what he had been doing, got a serious scare and promised to change.

things had been going good, he was being nice etc, if anything I was being distant due to my feelings for him. anyway last week he was drinking watching a football game and lost his shit! over a really silly issue ( his mistake) which I got the blame for, name calling, belittling me, calling me a bad mum. really nasty things, after about an hour of ranting he stopped and "realised" what he was doing and so kindly stopped .

it really made me make my mind up, I am leaving after Christmas 100% even if he was nice to me, I am miserable due to the way he has previously treated me.

I have told him I want to get Christmas out of the way then I will see what is happening. I don't want to say yes 100% to him as he may withhold money from me etc and make it even more difficult to leave. I was basically wanting peoples opinions on the fact that he thinks I am being unreasonable to a certain extent for wanting to leave after one "drunken rant" he said he was drunk and didn't mean any of it. saying that he has changed (he really had been trying and emotional about the whole thing.)

I just feel confused I suppose, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact I still don't really see myself as being in a toxic relationship, maybe its just hard to believe this is my situation.

anyway, thank you for reading I really appreciate it.

OP posts:

MsPepperPotts · 03/12/2019 12:34

You are absolutely doing the right thing OP.
Leaving is the only way to get your life back.
You just need to put yourself first and take care of your own emotional and physical wellbeing.
I remember your other post...
He's an abusive man and he cannot/will not change.
Just make an exit plan and don't tell him about it because that's when things will escalate.
Stay safe and hope you manage to get through Christmas ok.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/12/2019 12:43

You're not leaving die to one drunken rant, you're leaving after a relationship of abuse

Sprinklemetinsel · 03/12/2019 12:59

You are doing the right thing.

Don't feel obliged to be honest with him, you have to protect yourself. Quietly gather what you need, and make plans. Don't let him know.

Hidingtonothing · 03/12/2019 13:09

I agree it's not about 'one drunken rant', that just happened to be the thing that tipped the balance. Also agree you need to quietly get your escape plan sorted and say nothing til you can actually go, there's far too much likelihood of him escalating when he realises you're leaving to risk him knowing in advance. Stay safe, we're here for handholding til you can get out of there

Original poster

LCScotmum · 03/12/2019 13:31

thanks I appreciate the comments. All I have said to him so far is that I'm not happy, sick of getting to this low low point emotionally, that I want to get xmas out of the way and then think what I want to do. yes, planning to try get accommodation sorted asap then go from there. I have no doubt that as soon as I officially pull the plug he will become an even more difficult person.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 03/12/2019 13:45

You know you are totally doing the right thing.
Drink is his excuse to verbally abuse you!
NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
This is actually what he thinks of you.
Drink lowers your inhibitions and you say what you wouldn't normally.
You KNOW this OP.
This is him.
You are now faking it 'til you make it which is a good tactic!
If he even begins to start a rant, start recording him.
Get it all on your phone.
But get that exit plan in place.
You will be far happier without him dragging you down and making you feel like shit.
It's all too little too late on his part.
You've reached your limit.
Good on you for making the decision.
Get away asap and enjoy an abuse free life!

Original poster

LCScotmum · 03/12/2019 13:55

I feel I am making the right decision, your totally right in everything your saying.

I actually noticed last night my little girl was worried about using her dads Tupperware for her tuna pasta at school today, I said it was fine to use it and she was like ohh I better ask daddy and ran away to ask him. In my head I'm thinking, shes afraid to get into trouble. it really is sad.

hopefully after the new year I will have things in place and can be free!

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 03/12/2019 14:44

It's good that you're prepared, being one step ahead is worth its weight in gold when you're dealing with someone you know will make things difficult. Best advice I can give you is do things by the book, through official channels wherever possible. Don't let him persuade you into 'keeping things between ourselves' when it comes to finances, arrangements for DC etc, the court process/CMS isn't perfect but it's there to protect you and DC and you will be at his mercy somewhat without it. There's a wealth of knowledge on this board so don't be afraid to ask if there's anything you're not sure of, you don't have to do this on your own

Original poster

LCScotmum · 03/12/2019 14:56

yeah your right, go through official channels will only protect me and my kids. he will be sad for abit but I am truly dreading with the "real" him comes out. I appreciate that, sad but very true that so many people find themselves in this situation. My head just feels abit fried and clueless where to start. I think getting accommodation sorted is my first port of call.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 03/12/2019 15:12

That's what I'd do, accommodation first and everything else will follow. Just do/concentrate on one thing at a time, you don't have to do it all at once and the big picture will feel overwhelming so is best avoided ime!

We can help you make a list of what else needs to be done when you're ready for the next step, just focus on your housing options for now, that's enough to be going on with

Lozzerbmc · 03/12/2019 16:18

You are so doing the right thing. Dont worry about him being sad (who cares! Bet he wasnt thinking how awful of me to treat her like that! ) focus on you and your children - good luck. Make 2020 your year

Original poster

LCScotmum · 04/12/2019 10:21

thank you everyone. he has been messaging constantly and im trying my hardest to just ignore and not take on what he is saying. im just trying to focus on myself and the kids.

OP posts:

Babdoc · 04/12/2019 10:26

Just wanted to send you my best wishes for a very happy new year, and a fresh start in a new home with all this ghastliness behind you. And may Christmas 2020 be a huge improvement on this year. God bless.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/12/2019 10:30

The fact he's screwed up again, and is now blaming you for his shitty behaviour again, tells you you're doing exactly the right thing by leaving.

Original poster

LCScotmum · 04/12/2019 10:38

Thank you , I feel sad for the kids this Christmas although they don't know anything. I do believe next year will be my year.

he is full of apologies and his exact words are " it would be a shame for a drunken mistake to the be catalyst for us finishing" and also brought up again that previously if I had just told him what he was doing things wouldn't have got as bad as they did!

beggars belief really. just hoping the next few months are fast!

thanks again

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/12/2019 10:58

Has he promised to give up drinking? That'll be the next thing.

Then in two weeks he'll say "I'm only having a couple it's Christmas" then "It's one night only, for new year" then it'll be his birthday, or your birthday or a stag do, or a mate from works leaving do and the abuse will start again and there'll always be an excuse.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/12/2019 11:03

if I had just told him what he was doing things wouldn't have got as bad as they did!
Aha - and the blame shifting commences.
So it's YOUR fault now is it?
HIS verbal rants are YOUR fault!
WOW - he hasn't changed one little bit has he!?
He is showing you that clear as day.
It will always be your fault.
It's just the drink talking.
He's taking no responsibility for his own actions.
Can you block him for a while to get some head space?

Original poster

LCScotmum · 04/12/2019 11:12

yep he has said he will do anything, including no alcohol. absolute BS in my eyes.

yeah hes kind of making it out like I'm using this recent event as my excuse for leaving as he has "changed." To be honest anything he says now is going in one ear and out the other, biding my time. I cant block him as we need to communicate about kids pickups and stuff. Emotional abuse is so complicated guh. Sometimes I wish he would just punch me so its crystal clear to everyone what he has been doing. all the replies are accurate thought and I will definitely use them for any moments I feel like he could be worming his way back in, I feel strong though and know my mind so hoping that wont happen.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 04/12/2019 12:17

That's exactly what we're here for, those weak moments where it all just feels too hard and the temptation is to run back to 'normality'. Come here when that happens (and it will, because you're human) and let us remind you why you're doing this

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