If there is no 'spark' does that mean there is no hope?

[Leapoffaith00]

I have only ever felt it once in 9 years of dating. Now, I think it was infatuation/lust. He turned out to be a bit of a nob!
I just never feel it. What if I just can't?! Maybe I have been single for so long, it's disappeared. That could happen?
I question if I'm settling if I don't feel it. I have gone on a few dates with someone. Appears great. Obviously I don't know yet as it takes time. However, he went in for the kiss. I felt absolutely nothing! No excitment at all.

I’m not a sparker. I understand what people mean when they say it, I’ve seen them do it but all I see is lust being dressed up as something else. Lust is great for a relationship and I don’t understand the need to dress it up as a deeper connection. On the other hand, I have a happy marriage with a very deep connection with my husband so clearly an initial spark is not necessary.

47Velveteenfruitbowl - ok, thankyou. What about sexual chemistry. Shouldn't there be a spark then?

I 'fall in love' easily, but some people don't often at all. They still can enjoy relationships in their own way. Just the way it goes.

Sexual chemistry is fine but a relationship is about way more than sex.

Personally I think sexual chemistry is important. You can work with a lot of things but that isn’t one of them. I need to feel attraction and chemistry with someone. If a kiss left me feeling a bit Meh, then I wouldn’t want a lifetime of that. Id maybe see if it builds but if it wasn’t there after say 4/5 dates then I wouldn’t pursue it further. I think life throws a lot at people and being older I can see now that just being friends with someone because they are “nice” is not enough for me. I don’t necessarily need to be totally compatible with someone but I do need to look at them and think, god you are
Fit. Maybe this is where the saying kiss a few frogs to find the prince comes from.

Maybe you need to just date people who you feel an instant attraction to from their pics rather than thinking “oh he sounds nice”

Change who you date and things may change.

But attraction can build. I wasn't instantly attracted to my (now ex) husband but over the years I would often look at him and think "my husband is gorgeous!"
Same with a man I had a shorter relationship with. I became more and more attracted to him as I got to know him more. It can be based on context. A person's actions, personality, confidence etc can make them very attractive.

I'm not sure I follow - I thought a "spark" was lust. What else is it?!

I think you aren't even a little excited by a first kiss, then they aren't for you.

Doesn't have to be fireworks but you should at least fancy them.

I thought a spark was not just about lust, it was the whole personality, whether you hit it off with each other.

I can find someone very attractive but not feel anything else.

My dp is not tradition ally handsome but to me he is the most sexiest and gorgeous man ever because I liked his whole persona, we got on brilliant and that to me gave us that spark..he feels the same way.

I can talk to the stunningly beautiful man in work, fuck me his eyes..but I feel nothing no real attraction..that spark ain't there even when I was single there wasn't.. he's a bit of an arsehole lol

I think a spark is important, and when it’s right it will last. It will never burn as intensely as it first does, but I think it is a necessary component of a happy and secure relationship.

If there’s nothing at all to begin with I’d maybe give it one more date to make sure it wasn’t nerves on either side, but if you’ve felt it before you deserve someone that can make you feel like that!

He is so right on paper (as they say), home, job, good dad, friends, hobbies, kind, a gent, and he seems to like me. I never ever feel it. I was hoping it would grow. Maybe another couple of dates. I guess what I would like to feel is what I did just once but he was a bit of a nob!

When I met my XH it was a full load of fireworks in my stomach and we could not stop looking at each other and getting closer to talk, etc. The chemistry was so obvious that everybody around us noticed it and commented about it (we met in a work environment ).

That was the only time I felt it. I have tried dating for a couple of years now, and I have wondered the same. I have kissed a few frogs, and I know the first question to ask yourself is: would you sleep with him. Ibfound that I felt good kissing some men but would never sleep with them.

I had a date yesterday with a man who seems wonderful. There were no fireworks and no kiss. But he wrote to me today to say the date was special and would like a second one. I felt something reading that message. I find sex with him appealing. That tells me I should have a second date.

44butterflyFed - Nice 😊 I hope you enjoy! Can you keep me posted, I would really like to hear about it.
I had that with this other guy. He was just so wrong for me on and off paper. This new guy appears to be good for me on paper. Obviously time will tell.
🤔 I guess the thought of sex with him is appealing. Not that I want to rip his clothes off. There was no kiss with this guy until date 4. It was a pleasant kiss. I was ready to go home after 2.5 hours on date 4. Is that kind of ok?

I think all of that is ok, but do you actually enjoy being around him? Or is it just 'good on paper' and you feel obliged to give it a shot?

You've mentioned on paper a couple of times and you guess the thought of sex is appealing. Honestly OP I don't think you are that into him.

I didn't have that spark with exH, that should have been a warning as what we did have faded fast but it went on for a long time. With DP we were sparking all over the place (and obvious to those around us). On paper I'd say no, no car (yet), lives in a flat share and currently low paid because of training. However those things do not matter because in person he is amazing in every way. I'd never go by someone on paper, only how I feel.

But it's the things on paper that can attract you to someone too? It says alot about someone that has a relatively 'together' life and interests, friends, has goals etc.
I'm asking because I question my ability to feel those feelings as I have only once in almost 10 years. They may grow? That's all I was wondering. I'm actually sat waiting for him as I'm Christmas shopping and he is close by finishing a job. I'm going to see how I feel today after a last minute casual meet.

I think that Leap’s conflict comes from what she thinks she should be feeling but she is not. And she is trying to find a reason but can’t quite point out why.

“The perfect on paper man”
A job, car, house, can be a set of desirable things, but it is not in itself enough to ignite a relationship. I am sure you have friends who you think are wonderful but you have no romantic interest in. They are all “perfect on paper” but at some point the relationship chose the platonic friendship. It is the same with dating. You may meet the best men, and they may not be meant to be.

After most of my first dates I felt disappointed and was clear that I did not want to keep getting to know the person. If you had a good first date, go for a second and don’t feel you have to make a long term choice after a couple of hours!

“The irresistible fireworks”
Magnetism is indispensable for a ONS/FWB, but many relationships develop and grow organically. Also, is you are sapiosexual or demisexual, you need to connect with the person before feeling sexually attracted. Lust makes you feel alive and sexy, but can also cloud judgement when choosing a partner.

I don’t think not feeling fireworks on the first date means anything. But if there is nothing else than “good on paper”, then definitely it is settling. I once took about 10 dates to figure out if I wanted to pursue a relationship with someone. Don't rush, don't force.

I read an article the other day based on scientific research which unfortunately I am unable to find to give you a link. Basically it said that whereas men are very much led on physical attraction at the beginning of a relationship, women are much more 'elastic' which means they can meet someone and not feel that instant chemistry but having got to know the person better they become more and more attracted to them. This has certainly been my experience so perhaps don't go searching for that 'spark' which may be just a hormonal reaction but try to be open minded about the people you meet. It will certainly give you a much bigger pond in which to fish.

I’d be very worried if I felt absolutely nothing with a first kiss. Forgetting the “on paper” aspect, do you even fancy him ?

The going with a spark thing has literally never worked for me. Men I have had that real phwoar thing about just never reciprocated. I have an avoidant personality too, so maybe subconsciously go for men who are unobtainable...dunno.

Anyway, I am in process of arranging 2nd date with a lovely guy who I have been chatting with for ages. Felt really comfortable chatting with him on 1st date and genuinely looking forward to seeing again. I didn't fancy him in that I wanted to rip his clothes off.... but we did have a hug and it felt lovely. Warm and safe.

We are both introverts and I take a while to let my guard down so by necessity I think, I need to go for the slow burn approach!

I can't explain it but it's like something is missing. He is attractive and not one of those future fakers, or over the top kinda men. Which to me is great but he doesn't exactly talk about much either. I wanted to give it a chance to see if it could develop. We met that day and again Friday eve. I find myself waffling on as he hasn't got much to say or ask me. I was thinking its nerves and appreciated he wasn't too much but now I'm concerned as I'm supposed to be staying at his next Saturday. I feel a bit anxious as I'm think that means I'm going to be sleeping in his bed.

It sounds like you’re not that into him to be honest, if you’re not excited about the possibility of sleeping in his bed next weekend then cancel it and don’t go out of politeness! Someone can be right on paper but if you don’t feel that spark and pull towards them like you can’t wait to see them again then to me it’s not a good idea. The longer it goes on the harder it is to break it off as well. Sounds like you’ve given it a decent chance and it’s not really there?

If he hasn’t got much to say I wouldn’t bother pursuing this one. It will end up driving you mad. I know, I’ve been there - lovely guy and so handsome, but in the end his inability to have a good conversation drove me mad.
Also, do not stay at this man’s house if this is the way you feel. Do you even know if he has a spare room you can sleep in? I would avoid staying over in any capacity unless you decide you want to pursue a relationship with him. Just to eliminate any chance of misunderstandings or awkwardness. Yes everyone, I do know that staying over doesn’t imply consent of any kind, but I really think in this situation you are better to maintain more space until you know what you want.

I dont think he is right for you. There is way way too much qualification in your OP and subsequent posts. Right on paper means literally nothing. There has to be something that makes you think 'this one is a bit special'. If you dont fancy him (you don't, I'm sure) and you think he isn't very interesting.. not promising.

I very very rarely feel sparks with anyone but I'd rather wait for the once in a blue moon feeling and be alone, than settle. Tried that, abject failure and unfair on everyone...