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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't want to be with me

11 replies

Rudolphsjinglebells · 03/12/2019 06:03

I've been with dp for over ten years. We have 2 dc, 6 and 6months.
I have postnatal depression, mostly under control with meds and therapy.

Dp has been hot and cold towards me for the last few weeks. It's confusing me and I don't know what to do.

I feel like he doesn't want to be with me any more but is afraid of losing the kids and the house we are about to build.

I try to talk to him about it and he says I'm being silly. Yesterday I told him we should sleep in separate rooms for a while, split our bills and time with the kids. Again he said I was being silly and dismissed what I said.

What can I do?

OP posts:
richteasandcheese · 03/12/2019 07:18

What has he done or done to make you feel this way?

Kindly, do you think your PND is contributing to how you feel about him?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/12/2019 07:22

Your title says he doesn't want to be with you but your post and actions suggest you don't want to be with him.

Do you want to be with him?
If so, listen to him! It's the PND talking. You need him - don't push him away

Original poster
Rudolphsjinglebells · 03/12/2019 08:17

He told me at the weekend he had been thinking of breaking up with me for the last few weeks but he can't do it.

Yes, the PND is definitely affecting things. I know it's really hard for him to deal with me and he tries to hold in all his feelings bit eventually lets them out. That's what happened at the weekend.

I do want to be with him but the normal him, not the one that is stressed because of my PND. I think it's unfair on him and feel guilty that he has to deal with this. That's why I think he would be better off without me but is afraid to leave.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 03/12/2019 08:20

I think you need to get in touch with whoever is treating your for PND as it sounds to me like it is not under control at the moment.

ConfCall · 03/12/2019 08:23

Sorry OP - this sounds really tough.

Have you got to the bottom of why he wanted to leave, but chose to stay instead (his actual opinion I mean, not your assumptions).

Regardless, you should return to your GP about your PND. That needs to be addressed whatever happens. Good luck.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/12/2019 08:25

Why does he want to leave? Because of the PND and the impact it's having or because he's not happy in general?

Definitely go and see your doctor because you're clearly struggling and they may be able to give you some extra help.

Original poster
Rudolphsjinglebells · 03/12/2019 08:33

I'm going to therapy weekly to try and work through everything.

Dp feels like i dont show any love towards him, which is true because I've suppressed the majority of my feelings (didn't realise until I started therapy). I'm trying to work on recognising my feelings again and not blocking them out. I've talked to him about this when he told me how he felt and said I am trying to fix it.

I suppose he just wants me back to my old self, not this broken version of me. And I feel guilty that he is supporting me through this and think he would be better off without me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rudolphsjinglebells · 03/12/2019 08:34

Just to add, I am on antidepressants also which have lifted my mood and brought me out of the dark spot I was in. My gp thinks that I need the therapy aswell as the antidepressants to try and get to the bottom of everything.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/12/2019 08:42

I know it's hard with a 6 month old baby and PND but can you and he have a date night or something? Just go to the cinema or some dinner, just the two of you, where you can just relax for a couple of hours.
I really feel for you both.

MMmomDD · 03/12/2019 08:49

OP - I was where you are now with PND with my second baby. And what you say, words you use remind me of that time and how I felt.
It’s the depression talking. Just hang on and keep getting help.
It’s a big shock to go from 1 to 2 children, as it is. And adding to that PND - is even harder.
You bf is doing his best to hang on and support you and his children.
You just need to focus on getting better - for yourself and your kids. It takes a long time - for me it was almost a year until I could get off meds and started getting to feel like me.
You can’t make any decisions about your relationship until you came out on the other side of this.
Hope he hangs on. And hope you get better.
Years from now this will all be a distant memory.

Interestedwoman · 03/12/2019 09:14

As a PP suggested, your PND will be exacerbating your fears. A lot of people with depression start worrying their families must be sick of them.

You could try asking yourself 'is there any evidence that he's gone off me?' Hopefully, you won't find much. You can do a list with on one side evidence he likes you, on the other side evidence he doesn't.

Best wishes and hugs. xxxxx

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