My name is Jayne. My partner was called James. We were at school together and then met up again sixteen years later on a social networking site. We were both in steady relationships and I can only speak for myself, but I wasn't looking for anyone new. Until I met James. He was everything I didn't know I had been dreaming of. Kind, funny, thoughtful man. Looked much like he was as a boy, just as I remembered him. We sent many emails, moving onto phone texts and calls and finally we met. The relationship was taken to a new level. Shortly after that he left his partner and their young son. I eventually left my partner but it took me a long time to do so. This was due to issues from my childhood. As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I had difficulties in trusting men and I have to say it was no different with James. He was wonderful, but he wasn't a miracle worker. Sadly thanks to my problems the relationship ended several times - always by my doing. Eventually we parted company for good. One of the worst times of my life until now.
We stayed friends but met other people and had other relationships. I got fixed! I had the right therapy, the right medication and I was doing really well. James and I met up for an afternoon by the sea and I told him how much better I felt. Within a couple of weeks he had split up with his partner of four years and we were back together. Life was wonderful - though please don't think I am proud of wrecking someone else's life to get there. I am not. Sadly, when you're in that situation, you just don't think of others. Not nice. James was as kind and wonderful as ever towards me. I was truly happy for the first time in my entire life.
We bought a house but James couldn't get work here due to the nature of his job. So he made the four hour commute every three weeks and stayed for three or four days. He quickly set about fixing the house up. It became an obsession - something that had to be finished so that we could live our lives together. he spent almost every minute doing this house up and very little else. I had a big problem with anaemia and was tired all the time. I was also overweight and became frustrated and critical. I was so sick of everything being about the house. We rarely did anything together. I didn't have the energy or the desire to help him. It got to the point where I was so tired I was angry and crying sometimes. I was in a vicious circle - I had the information to help me build up my strength but was too tired to act upon it. I was also looking after a dog with cancer and blindness. Life seemed pointless and I told Jim this last year. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to carry on. He cried and said look how far we have come. I pulled round a bit. He applied for several jobs in this area and didn't get any of them, such was the vast competition for his line of work. He bought a VW camper van to do up but never seemed to be able to succeed and got more angry because it was really a mistake and he regretted it.
On the 19th of August this year, he came home for a few days but was vile. He'd never been like that ever. Everything was a problem. He started arguments and was critical. I sat down with him and said I didn't recognise him. He said those immortal words - "I'm not sure I love you anymore". He said he was sick of his job, his children, his mum and his sisters, me and the house. He wanted out. I could have everything, he wanted nothing major. He left with some personal items and said he was selling all of his stuff. He did exactly that. I thought it was a midlife crisis. The bad vehicle, the 'not sure I love you' line, the crazy behaviour. Then he said he was going to America to live and work. I really did think midlife crisis then! I had a feeling a woman was involved. Why? Because in each of his relationships, he seemed to leave at around the four year point. It didn't matter whether we had our dream home finally finished, or that in the past he was leaving two separate children at a young age. He'd even met a girl when he was in his twenties here in England and after a short time moved to Ireland to be with her. Just. Like.That.
I recently learned (through a helpful friend) that he had been 'talking' online to a woman whilst he was still with me. It had started to turn into something more than friendship and in September they declared they were in a relationship. There were many, many photographs of them kissing and sitting together. There were endless paragraphs about how wonderful he is, all the amazing things he does and how they 'danced in the rain' together. He said how much he loved her. Friends were saying they were pleased he'd finally found 'The One'. Then I went upstairs and threw up. The pain, the distress, the betrayal was too much to handle. I fell to pieces.
I wondered for a long time why he didn't sit down with me and tell me that he was unhappy. Then I realised that I'd done exactly the same to my partner when I met James the first time around. I just cut and run. He came to collect the last of his things recently. I left a message - "Please keep the front door key. I know you think you'll never need it, but it would comfort me to know that you had it. I would like to know that if you are ever in trouble that you have a safe place to go".
Now I don't know if a midlife crisis is really the answer. He just seems to do this every few years. He doesn't seem to mind who or what he is leaving. I am heart broken. I was unhappy when he was around - not with him - with ME. I didn't want to be the tired, frustrated and critical person I had become. I wish I had the time again. I have remained dignified throughout this entire situation. I haven't argued or been nasty. I don't want to be that person. James and I used to go to Starbucks every Christmas for gingerbread latte's. We did it as friends and as partners. This year we will not do it. So I gave him and his new partner a card for Christmas with a Starbucks gift card inside. I wrote "A little something to help you continue an old tradition in a new way".
I just want him back. I can't cope. Please help me.
Jayne