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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ever feel like you want a brand new group of friends ?

14 replies

Phoenixxx · 02/12/2019 20:58

There is a group of about 8 girls including myself that I have known since high school (now late 20s) and I also have about 8 other friends I would say.
I feel like I want to get rid of about 50% of them, to be honest.
Some of the friendships are slightly toxic and some, I have just outgrown them.

Out of the school group of 8,there are 2-3 lovely ones I wouldn't want to lose but the rest have bitchy tendencies. The group as a whole have made little digs about me and they like to laugh at me.
When we were at school 15 years ago I was a little messy and disorganised, but I was smart and kind. They still see me as this person to laugh at rather than someone who has done well and achieved things.
I used to have very low self esteem and few boundaries, and one in particular liked to comment on it. I feel now like i'm always trying to prove that I am confident and happy and the whole thing feels a little forced.

I've heard a few things like 'you overthink things' 'you're too sensitive' 'you care too much what people think.'

It's annoying really because I don't believe that thinking and being sensitive are bad things, they are just personality traits. Some people are very sensitive, some are not at all, we are all different.

I also have two who seem to go against most things I say. Obviously they are entitled to their opinion but so am I. For example there was a man on OLD who had a profile picture of just his legs. I laughed and said to my friend I found it a bit odd and she said i'm judgemental. I'm allowed to have an opinion of it though.

Anyway this rant probably seems a bit all over the place. I just want to start again with a new group of people, and to be seen as a confident person. Maybe I should just distance myself from the others and focus on meeting new people ?

Apart from a small number of them, I just no longer feel good when I go out with them, I feel self conscious and i'm sick of being told you're too this, you're too that.

OP posts:
Bitofeverything · 02/12/2019 21:03

I found that friendships changed a lot moving from twenties to thirties. People finally outgrew school/uni “personas” and properly grew into themselves. Also kids shift things dramatically. You may find the wheel turning - especially as you want it to...

Bitofeverything · 02/12/2019 21:05

Thinking about it... I also found that things stopped being quite so “group” in my thirties, which meant I ended up spending time only with the people I actually wanted to.

septemberismyfavouritemonth · 02/12/2019 21:07

Things do tend to naturally move on, as you get partners, have kids, people move areas etc. I am in my 40's now and have only 3 friends from school, most others are partners friends/friends wives, work mates that I've bonded with or friends I made through having children.

ISawyouinTescoyesterday · 02/12/2019 21:07

I don't see people from school anymore. I'm friends with them on Facebook and they appear nice, but I've made my forever friends now and stick with who I know I can trust.

Phoenixxx · 02/12/2019 21:19

Yeah it sounds like most people just naturally move on anyway ! I know in a way I should count myself lucky to have the same group still, but two friends have previously 'left' the group and just stopped meeting up.
I have met some lovely people at work and it just feels like a different dynamic.
Maybe they do like me more than I think but I just want a new start, a new, confident me with stronger boundaries, and not the one who's laughed at.

OP posts:
Phoenixxx · 02/12/2019 21:19

And I feel with the current friends I have I cannot change the idea they have about me.

OP posts:
Bitofeverything · 02/12/2019 21:24

Yes, I def found that people still saw me as I was when I was 13, despite having gone on to be rather different. It is very difficult to move the view on... I think it’s genuinely important to make new friends who only know you as who you are now. Old friends can be great, but they can keep you stuck in the same place too.

Phoenixxx · 02/12/2019 21:27

@Bitofeverything you are definitely right on that.
I have actually seen them look at each other and laugh as I talk, and last Christmas I was in a pub with a few of them.
One of them said something under her breath about me referring to something I did at school 15 years ago which really wasn't even that big of a deal.
The thing is it she said it under her breath thinking I wouldn't hear (I just pretended that I hadn't) and it was done in a sly manner.
They have actually said in front of me omg remember when Phoenix did x, y and z and burst into laughter.

OP posts:
LovemyDDxx · 02/12/2019 22:02

I feel you OP. I’m late 20’s.

I was bullied and had no confidence through school until start of Year 9 when I finally found my group of friends. I became confident and I loved school. There was so much banter. I would be on the floor silent laughing and because I was laughing so much my stomach would hurt. I had a best friend for 7 years. That was for 4 years them good times at school. Year 9 until end of first year of 6th form Year 12. After that most people left as they only wanted to do one year (me being one of them) and our group just slowly gradually departed from each other. Some didn’t grow up, one girl in particular was so bitchy and two faced. She would made horrible comments to me like you’ve experienced. One guy was two faced too. A second guy we just grew apart because he had found friends in another group and I miss him so much as a friend. I still have him on Facebook and would still say hello if I bumped into him. I have a third guy on FB too and we occasionally speak but he lives the other end of the country to me. I don’t have any of the others from the group on Facebook though. The bitchy and two faced girl went round saying I had died because she hadn’t heard from me for so many years, it’s not as if I was ignoring her either because she made no contact! My best friend she ended up drug dealing and getting into trouble with the Police. I haven’t spoken to her for 7 years now. I do miss her but we lead completely different lives.

I now have a few mummy friends but I do miss my school group and the banter. But the friends I have now are much more true to me.

Geogaddi · 03/12/2019 19:19

i had exactly the same thing happen to me recently, being told..

"you overthink things' 'you're too sensitive' 'you care too much what people think."

and i thought about all the backstabbing, secrets, lies, bitchiness that's been going on between this particular group and what would happen if i stopped "caring" for a moment and landed every single one of them in the absolute shit, told the truth of how everyone felt about each other and walked away. Chanes are, i'd be the mean one and another target for the bullying i've received over the last few years.

I know it's really hard to walk away (believe me i'm still trying) but try and distance yourself from these people as best you can, you are worth more, just remember that. :) xx

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 03/12/2019 19:23

I think some dynamics just can't be changed, whether that's how you're seen in your family or how you're seen in your group of school friends. You will probably always be seen the same way by these girls. Sometimes that's fine - I love that about the (very few) school friends I've stayed in touch with, but then I've only stayed in touch with the ones who see me in a positive light. And that's no co-incidence probably!

Reduce your contact, you don't have to make a big thing of it, just start being a bit less available. Spend time with the people who make you feel good about yourself - life is too short!

fantango · 03/12/2019 19:58

I'm 32. All of my friends now bar two uni friends are work colleagues and fellow school mums ranging from 32-45.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 03/12/2019 20:17

I think people from school can still be friends with each other if they are not all stuck in their school group 'roles', but if you're all still speaking about things that happened, years ago, when you were children, then I think things are stuck in the past and I think it's fine to move on.

Friends are meant to be there for each other in tough times but when things are normal they are meant to add to your life- be fun to spend time with. It sounds like you leave these encounters feeling shit. You're too sensitive is something people can say when they're saying something offensive but passing it off as 'banter'

Longsight2019 · 03/12/2019 21:18

I spent my late twenties feeling confused about my feelings towards what I then realised in my early thirties to be a largely boring, unsupportive, bantering, slightly bullying and back stabbing group.

Like you, out of around 8, there was maybe one or two who I wanted to keep.

After a bad fall out with one of their wives I withdrew and never saw 75% of them for years. I could recite countless times when one or two would pick on someone’s weakness, and the others would always support such bullying.

In my other set of three friends, we have great fun but do not behave like playground bullies to each other.

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