Did you ever consider/act on telling a parent about your feelings about their past behaviour?

[Interestedwoman]

My dad was the typical type of problematic man I often see women posting about on these boards.

It would be like 'walking on eggshells' and 'living with a volcano' for virtually the whole of the 17 years until my mum left him. He had (mostly undiagnosed and untreated) mental health problems, due perhaps to a traumatic childhood himself, IDK. He left teaching due to stress, leaving my mum to be the sole breadwinner for several of my teen years. He was somewhat verbally/emotionally abusive.

I believe that home was not a relaxing but an anxiety provoking place, is part of why my sister and I have both have problems with anxiety. We had a difficult time at school, no emotional support at home as it all revolved around our father's issues, and were unable to relax at home either due to the atmosphere.

Recently I've slightly fallen out with my dad and stepmum. The incident was kind of unrelated (mostly her, not him) but a tiny part of me is tempted to give him a piece of my mind over the effects of our childhood. The row will blow over if I don't do this lol, whereas if I did it would probably be the end. . Maybe I will mention it slightly one day face to face, without going overboard.

This is mostly just a momentary fantasy for me, but have any of you ever done it? Was it cathartic? How did it pan out afterwards?

Would be interested to hear about your experiences.

Oh and I have to say- I don't see him often/for long as he moved away, but he seems to have mellowed and to be a fairly ok guy most of the time now.

I gently probed my mother once, hit a brick wall and decided I couldn't be bothered.

DSIS tried a bit harder and was told to remember that DF was her(mum's) husband and she would always choose him.

We have both refrained since. I may have gone further and realised DM isn't actually his victim but an equal perpetrator.

I'm happy to know that. They no longer have the same hold on me, don't ping my guilty bone any more

I guess the big question for me would be: what do you want the outcome to be? It can be very cathartic to vent but think about the possibility (however small) that your dad could say hurtful things in response or even become estranged from you.

I’ve been tempted to give each of my parents a piece of my mind on several occasions but I honestly can’t be bothered with the hassle. I love them and one day they won’t be here any longer and I’ll miss them.

I did try several times face to face over a 4 year period then by email more recently giving examples over decades as to when he put me down, put others before me, made me insignificant etc etc.

All I wanted was to feel validated. History repeated itself and yet again surprise surprise, I was either ‘seeing things not as they were’ or the emails were never received’.

Funny because all other family members distinctly remember situations as I do and all other emails about everything else were received.’l

Nothing gained other than more heartbreak for me. This will never change because he will never change.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Be prepared for the worst but hope for the best, OP.

Yes I did. I wrote a letter. It was quite cathartic actually to know that my dad had to acknowledge how my sister and I had been treated and how it still affected us.

Not sure it massively changed anything in the long run but I do feel somehow better now I know he can't pretend to himself that he was some perfect dad.

Yes I did. Told my dad I was sick of him invalidating my feelings, never offering any kind of parental support and his constant victim complex and told my mum I felt she’d failed me by not leaving him when I was a child. Unfortunately they’re still together. Haven’t spoken to my dad for a while now and don’t intent to again, I maintain phone contact with my mum and she visits me and says she’s sorry. Still won’t leave him though. He’s also given up work and has her waiting on him hand and foot

Yes, I have done so recently. I didn't get a reply and we haven't made any sort or communication since. He's probably feeling hard done by.

You've near enough described my situation growing up (even down to dad's profession). I haven't and and won't ever address my feelings about my upbringing with them. I've been to counselling and worked through it there. I've been minimal contact with them for a while now and I feel better for it. They've never asked me why I don't contact them or enquired if I'm ok. That tells me everything I need to know....that they don't and never really have cared that much about how I feel.

My DBro did this with my mother over her constant lies 13 years ago.
She continued to lie and twist and play the victim. She told him never to contact her again. DF took DMs side for a quiet life.

Parents eventually made me choose between DBro or them shortly afterwards. Easy choice. No nice parents demand that, so guess what... bye!
So ive not seen them for years now either. No contact - i dont have their phone number or know where they live (They moved shortly after the fall out and ive moved across the country anyway)

I never liked the lying, controlling, emotionally abusive bitch anyway. Much like you op, childhood was eggshells and anxiety due to DMs constant lying, put downs, and mood swings.

Its like a weight off the shoulders to he honest. No loss. I did have a short run of counselling, counsellor suggested i was better off without them as my MH was better - not constantly in the FOG. DBro & I are best mates.

I would say OP if youre looking for sympathy or understanding you wont get it.

What you need to really understand, and what a counsellor will tell you is that the shit they give or gave you is who they are. They believe their own bullshit. What you see as lies they see as THE TRUTH and you will not change that, especially if your reality suggests theyre less than perfect.
These types of people live a delusion.

The key takeaway from counselling on the subject was - he/she wont change, they are what they are. Arseholes. Do you like this person? If its a no, then think about the pros and cons of keeping in contact.

My situation was almost a hand force to no contact (They didnt try and contact me after the initial blow out where i said "THATS IT THEN & GOODBYE".

I believe the general advice now is to go minimal contact as the other pp is doing and grey rock to avoid your own anxieties being poked.