How to tell her politely- clear up your mess!

[threesecrets]

My MIL is a narcissist and hoarder. It's a nightmare combination. Recently she has decided that she wants to leave her rural bungalow and move into a retirement flat more central. Good for her I think. Except she keeps emailing saying that she can't sort things and that no one wants to buy her stuff junk. Her latest email was that she should just lock up her bungalow, walk away and leave someone else to deal with it as "that's what would happen if she died". She has also sent threatening emails saying she is going to donate her bungalow and contents to a charity now so she can "wash her hands of it." How can I politely tell her, that as an adult, she just needs to accept that she accumulated the mess and she needs to take responsibilty for it and sort it out. We have made so so many offers over the years to help her and she wouldn't accept our help. She essentially needs a skip for a lot of it!! (40+ year old carpet off cuts etc). I find her attitude of leaving it for someone else to sort quite selfish. I want to find a way to tactfully tell her to stop passing the buck and take responsibility.

Can she afford the retirement flat then without selling her house first? Don't know if I've missed something but how is she able to pay for it?

@Butterymuffin
Yes she has enough money. She pays for my niece And nephews private schooling (not my child's though!). She uses her money to try and control and threaten people.

She never replied to that email so clearly took offense! She's spent a long time discussing giving (abandoning) the bungalow and contents to charity/grandchildren but when I suggest her sons she ignores and is offended!

That was a good email, calm and to the point. It's obvious that she's been a hoarder for decades. All you can do is detach. If she calls, don't pick up, let it go to voicemail. Then tell your husband to call her back. Detach, detach, detach.

I would detach and let your DH deal with this, if he can be bothered. She doesn’t sound a pleasant woman at all and has blocked all attempts at reasonable help.

If all the siblings are on board can't you just chuck the whole lot in storage and in a year or two throw it away without telling her? At least tge house would be cleared then and ready for letting/selling.

I think you need to take a step back and let her sort it out.

Hoarding is a complex mental health issue and relatives are really the least suitable to deal with it. Just far too emotionally difficult.

My mum was a hoarder and I think it’s fair to say it ruined my childhood. The shame and fear of someone unexpectedly turning up at the door still haunts me. The arguments over why she couldn’t let a 20 year old makeup set go (or any other shit she valued) still ring in my ears. The constant blame for the state of the house (not her fault - clearly her slovenly children) even though I cleaned the house all by myself from the age of about 8 still rests heavily on my shoulders.

It seems to be the only mental health issues where close relatives are still blamed. “Why don’t you just Chuck it all out” - cause she won’t fucking let me. “Why don’t you help her more” - I do but the house will always look like a shithole with all her shit of the day in it.

Suggest professionals - do not waste your emotional or physical energy going it got her. She’ll actively sabotage anyway it so don’t bother.

Why can you just take a step back and let her get on with it? You’ve tried, you clearly have some resentment towards her. Why continue wasting mental energy? Contact social services & see what they suggest.

@Besidesthepoint storage for the amount of stuff she has would cost approximately £700 per month. We cannot and should not have to pay that.

@MrsFoxPlus4Again I do want to take a step back but it's hard as I'm married so have a duty to support my husband. His problems are my problems too. I've decided not to give a damn from now on though! Thanks