Below is a link to my last post for a background story, but short story, found he has been having an emotional affair via text with his cousins girlfriend who lives in UK we moved to Oz 4yrs ago. He said he wanted it to work, we can go see a counsellor, then the next day when I'm out he messaged her saying he didn't want to stop contact and I found out there's has been photos and videos exchanged so more then talking(logged into his Facebook so saw as they messaged) came home and confronted him.
Need to release http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3746490-need-to-releasee_
This is going to be long !
So anyway we had been bumbling through the week since the Monday, been sitting outside together every evening talking, playing cards, it was a nice start. We had a really nice weekend together the first weekend after with the kids, held hands, felt like we were bonding, he left his phone around, thought maybe we can get through this, answered all my questions, said how he has been feeling so dead inside(been suffering with depression as very unhappy here) and it was nice to have someone be interested and made him feel good, he had been shocked I was so upset cause he didn’t think I cared anymore.
Last week, things still seemed good, lots of open conversation, I was still snooping as can't be fully trusting after a week and a half. Logged onto our Phone account on Wednesday last week and saw that there had also been phone calls which he hadn't mentioned they spoke on the phone before, was shocked as 1 call was 1.5hrs but I hadn't asked so guess he thought it best not to volunteer it or assumed I thought they had talked.
I went through old bills and the phone calls had only started a month ago but they were every 3 days or so, I could also see he had spoken to her the Friday after I had found out, he had said he had contacted her once to say it had to be over so I assumed that was the call.
So that evening more open conversation asked if he thinks there is anything else I needed to know, asked if they talked on phone he said a few times, asked when it started becoming calls, he told me, I asked if he would me show me the bills so I can see how often they talked, could see his hands shaking but he showed me and said he hadn't realised it was that often, then said he had spoken to her just once since I found out and I will see on next bill (didn't realise I can see current calls so know this already)
He said now I know everything, he didn't tell me everything as it's hard to be honest. But said there is nothing else to find out. I was still feeling uneasy next day as still early days, was up early and his phone was downstairs so went snooping and found in his email a what's app chat conversation from the Friday after I had found out. He had changed her number to an old friends name and in the message, he said he was glad they had been able to start messaging again(must have had 2days without ! oh no). That he missed her, had realised in last few days how much, i want you in my life, he wants to text her every second, he realised how he has almost "LOST HER" and it how he pictured the 2 of them just lying down cuddling and he just won't be able to message as much but that he "LOVES HER" she said you dont need to message if this is to difficult and he wrote - I will never stop. He saying to her we haven't lost us, we will be good.
I was literally shaking, thank god kids weren't home ! I ran upstairs with his phone, called him every name under the sun, how he was lying to me, telling me wants it to work and telling her he wants her and loves her ! Was meant to be telling me he was scared of losing me not her !!!
After much yelling and screaming it's over, me crying, he ask if i wanted to talk. We called in sick, he said it was a fantasy, she lives on otherside of world, it was just a few days after i found out and he still needed her as didnt know what was happening with us and he was so down before and me finding out made it worse he had been thinking he should just disappear. He said has been texting less they had been saying it will have to stop and we had been getting on well and he said I can’t go on anymore with the lying and getting caught, your here, we are real and I want us to work out. I know I have to not contact her ever again.
She doesn’t know I know that she is his cousins girlfriend, so Sunday he text her with me there, told her I know everything, have seen all the messages and he wants to make it work with me so can’t be in contact, told her I know who she is but won’t say anything. She replied to say To be honest I didn’t think I would hear from you again, sorry, don’t know how it got so out of control, never wanted to hurt anyone, she appreciates me not saying anything, good luck to you both, all the best.
I thought the reply seemed weird, didn’t think she would hear from him again (he has not said anything to me to say “I said this to her” that makes me think she wouldn’t expect to hear from him again) plus who says all the best after an affair !
The weekend was just spent being a family and talking but he has been more distant, no holding hands, etc.
So that has been the last 2 weeks of my life, he doesn’t work Mondays and all day while I was working all I was thinking is he texting her to say, sorry I had to say it’s over, will find a new way to make contact. I was googling reviews for spy apps to install so I can see if he is messaging, googling how to check deleted what’s app messages, I’m literally driving myself crazy.
Met my sister after work and she said I have to stop snooping, if he is going to do it there is nothing I can do, he will eventually get caught again if he does and then will have to face the consequences.
Came home and talked last night AGAIN, told him all I thought about all day is him texting her and he swore on the kids life’s he didn’t, said he did think about it and felt like he wanted to but knows he can’t if he wants to try and make our relationship work(he wants to try and tell me how he is feeling, knows that’s not what I probably want to hear) but I would rather the truth so told him to let me know how he feels, so he kept busy and out all day with our youngest to avoid having free time to text her.
I told him how much it hurts to think of what he said to her when he seems like he has no emotions for me, he said he switched them off a while ago and he feels so empty inside all the time, he doesn’t want to hold my hand all the time (show lots of affection) because he feels he should, he wants it to feel natural. I said you don’t seem to want to fight for this, he said it’s hard he had been feeling so happy being in contact with her and feels down now, knows he totally did all this, says I didn’t do anything, it’s been the situation we have been in (been unhappy in Australia) and he loves me and wants to get back what we once had, I said maybe he would be happier on his own and he said he doesn’t think so, he thinks he would regret not even trying to make things better.
We are having couples counseling on Wednesday and he said it’s going to be hard but let’s see how the next few weeks go, so at the moment that’s what I’m going to do and not make any decisions just yet.
How do I stop feeling this shit !
Thanks for reading my very long post, writing it all out helps.