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Relationships

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Original poster

not having sex and husband masturbating

14 replies

scorpius1489 · 02/12/2019 16:19

Hi everyone (and sorry for my bad english),

I am happy together with my husband, together for almost 8 years and we have a son wich is 2. We have had our problems in the beginning in our relationship. I know that I am his first real girl that he has been with.
I know that one of the biggist issues was that he wants more sex then I do. I know this is horrible to say but i reject him a lot when it comes to sex. I have problems with intimicy (hugs, kisses, holding hands,...) He misses that and it was really the biggist issue between us. I am really ashamed to say but there were times that we haven't had sex for 2-3 months.

We had al lot of fights about it and he always wanted to talk about our problems... I didn't because i can't talk about it. I think it's difficult to talk about sex and intimicy. I know he really tried talking about it and every fight he brings up the problem that he misses the sex between us and that he is sexually frustrated.

He said a few times that he masturbates on porn and other sexual fantasies because he has no other option. I know he treathened a few times that there will be one day that he will find his needs elsewhere. Am i wrong to say that he shouldn't say or do such things? Is it true that a man can be really frustrated that much from not having sex?

A few weeks ago we were talking about honesty and he confessed to me that he had masturbated on a pictures of a friend of him. It is a friend who he knows long before me. It is platonic friendship between them. But he said when he didn't had sex in 3 months, he talked to her a lot about our problems and one day she has send him a picture in bikini. He replied that even he knows it was a friend of his, he was getting a hard one. Appearantly she laughs and dared him to send a pictures of his d*ck to prove it... He did send it... After that he realised that this was really wrong, but that it just was something for fun and between two friends. There was no sexchat or anything like that, it was just a stupid picture between friends he said. There was nothing ever between them. He said she was just helping him out because she felt sorry for him dat he didn't had sex in months. I find it strange to hear something like that between two friends but then again, i know he and his friend were both single at the time they have met and there was nothing between them except a good friendship.

Should i be mad about it? Is this cheating? Or is this a guy thing? Maybe men could answer this for me?

OP posts:

Madaboutthem2 · 02/12/2019 16:43

Hiya. First of all yes you should be mad. What a horrible thing to do!

Do you think it's the fact you have a child that has made you feel less in the mood? We have a similar situation but we are equally ok with it because our young children are currently the issue. We don't get alot of space or time to have sex. Never able to in the mornings and at night the toddler is in our bed. Even if we do have sex we have the threat of the child waking up and interupting. I can't relax tbh! I hope as they get older we can be closer.

It's funny as before kids we had regular sex and kissed. I don't kiss him anymore. Again I think it's the constant noise and housework.

Also before the kids I often had time to have a shower, sort my bikini line and make myself feel nice. Now it's a quick shower and pyjamas and chasing the kids to bed.

All these things are a factor for us. Maybe that's some of the issue for you? Are you tired? Do you feel you don't get much time alone? Do you get chance to make yourself feel good.

If you want your relationship to work and he's this unhappy you need to try! But he needs to meet you half way and not be a dick and make you feel rubbish. He should not be threatening to cheat or showing his willy to a friend. He also shouldn't be so easily excited over someone. But! He obviously wants a sex life. So perhaps in the next couple of nights try and get in the mood for a quicky. If you can't and you don't feel attracted to him like they anymore. Is there a reason. Are you happy together still? Your not going to be feeling confident after what he's done anyway? I hope you get it sorted. Plenty of us don't have a high sex drive x

Cheeseandwin5 · 03/12/2019 13:39

I am not sure what you expect to be honest.If you are going to constantly reject him for months on end, then he is going to suffer both emotionally and physically.
He shouldn't have done what he did, but if you want to have a happy relationship, than you both have to look into this disparity of sexual wants and either come to a comprise or part.

user1481840227 · 03/12/2019 13:45

It's wrong to say he'll cheat or sext a friend but at the same time I can see how it would happen so easily in your situation. It doesn't make him a bad person. Do you also have a problem with him masturbating in general? It sounds like that from your post and you really have no right to have an issue with that.

Threatening to cheat is more than likely just his way of expressing his anger/frustration, showing you that he feels pushed to his limit. There are obviously complex emotions involved when someone is constantly rejected for sex, you have said yourself that you don't talk about it even though he tries so obviously anger and frustration will come out at times!

MMmomDD · 03/12/2019 14:22

OP - and the answer to your other question - Yes - men and women can get very affected by lack of sex. Frustrated, depressed, deeply unhappy.
And to give him credit he does seem to try to address it with you.
Have you tried to get to the bottom of why intimacy of any sort is so difficult for you?
If this is a constant issue between the two of you - it will not go away. And eventually he either will get broken, leave or stay will find sex elsewhere.
It’s not fair to do this to him - and not fair to make you force yourself to have sex if you don’t like it.
I presume both of you are still young. It may be best to eventually find other partners you are better suited with.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/12/2019 14:32

Has the lack of sex been after your DC was born (which would be totally normal) or was it from the start of the relationship?

Is there a specific reason you don't want to have sex with him in particular, or do you think you just have a low sex drive in general?

RLEOM · 03/12/2019 15:08

Sorry, but this is cheating, and with a supposed "friend"? Well let me tell you now, she's not just a friend and if you have any sense, you either leave or you make him completely cut this "friend" out of his life. Take it from me, given the chance, they'd sleep together.

user1481840227 · 03/12/2019 18:27

Rleom, even if he cuts the friend out of his life, the underlying issue is still there. A sexless marriage with no intimacy won't last.

category12 · 03/12/2019 19:29

I have problems with intimicy (hugs, kisses, holding hands,...)

It would be worth working through this with therapy (if it's a you thing and not a caused by the relationship thing).

If you've never been much interested in sex or have issues around it, it's worth looking into what's behind that. Do you enjoy sex when you have it?

There's no excuse for him to send dick pics etc to a "friend" - that's infidelity as far as I'm concerned.

misspiggy19 · 03/12/2019 19:44

I am not sure what you expect to be honest.If you are going to constantly reject him for months on end, then he is going to suffer both emotionally and physically.

^This. You reject him, refuse to talk about your intimacy issues and expect him to accept it?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 03/12/2019 20:48

Hi OP

I'm sorry I think you're both in the wrong.

He has tried to talk to you about your constant rejection of him and you shut him down.

He shouldn't have swapped pics with someone - that definitely crosses a friendship line (unless he sends dick pics to his male friends). Did he confess to this or did you find out?

What do you want going forward? You want a relationship without sex, he wants one with sex and intimacy and most people would say that's reasonable. These two points of view are not compatible. I would think if things carry on like this, it will be the reason you split up.

Do you know why you have issues with intimacy? Woukd you be willing to work on it? Have some couples sex therapy together? Then you will at least know you've explored all avenues

SpicyRibs · 03/12/2019 20:59

I am not sure what you expect to be honest.If you are going to constantly reject him for months on end, then he is going to suffer both emotionally and physically.

^This. You reject him, refuse to talk about your intimacy issues and expect him to accept it?

+1 imo

lexiepuppy · 03/12/2019 21:32

There are a few issues going on:-
Why do you have problems with intimacy? Is it from your past?
Did something happen?

Your husband is cheating on your by sexting and sending dick pics.

You have to decide if you love him and want to start being intimate again with him, and get some counselling to sort out why you are rejecting him.

Otherwise you need to walk away especially if it turns into a full blown affair with his ‘platonic” friend.

Oly4 · 03/12/2019 21:43

What he did was wrong but you are wrong too. You need to address the lack of sex in your marriage. No sex for 2-3 months on a regular basis will leave somebody feeling sexually frustrated, cross and upset.
Have you tried counselling?
I agree that a marriage without sex won’t last

justilou1 · 03/12/2019 21:46

That IS sex chat, Op!

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