Is this an 'abusive' relationship? Are they are narcissist.

[jan2018rd]

Okay, so I use the term 'abusive' very lightly. By abusive I mean several things - cohesive? Manipulative? No physical abuse just mental. This isn't about me but a close family member and I want to know if I am right in thinking these things or I am over exaggerating. Is this person a narcissist?

So, a family member has been with his wife for about 4 years married this year. She is a 'lovely' girl. Late 20's well manored, comes across as a quiet conservative innocent 'angel' but can be quite abrupt. She has grown up very spoilt, like she is the only person in the world who matters. Like she is the most important person in the world. She comes cross to said family member very loving, and I do totally think she loves him. BUT, everything is her way or no way. She manipulated him to do what she wants when she wants, go where she wants when she wants, if its not what she wants when she wants it, she goes in this awful mood with him, in front of the whole family. He runs to her beckon call and treats her like the little baby she acts like until she gets what she wants. Then shes happy.

She is VERY jealous. She snubs everything that someone has that is better than her. Life is not a competition may I add. She thinks she is the best at everything. She is never happy for anyone, including family, who achieve a milestone in their life and she hasn't done it first or better. Shes overly competitive in everything,. If you do it, shes done it better. She has no empathy or care in anyone but herself. She is obsessed with social media and how she comes across, like a wannabe 'influencer'. She has to pose for the prefect photo (which she has trained DH to be her photographer) to portray her perfect life. She does this when we are out with family, it;s a constant photo shoot. Shes obsessed with how she looks, having the most expensive things, all for instagram. Everything she does, is for a photo. She poses her toast for christ sake!

And this is where it gets worse. So her DH wanted to buy a house, they have the money saved. She basically said she won't buy a house unless he marries her (apparently there is no point in buying a house if you aren't married). She wants to get married so she has the photos, for her Instagram. He agreed and now she said she doesn't want to buy a house yet. She has tried to isolate him from his entire family, slag his family off saying they hate her, they copy her, they make her feel uncomfortable (she hates it when anyone has something she has). It's all lies. I feel like the poor guy is being isolated so that she can manipulate him to do EVERYTHING she wants. He has no say ever. I also feel like although she does love him, she just uses him as an object to paint her perfect looking Instagram life!

I'm sorry for the long post - this woman is a narcissist no?! Or am I crazy?

Late 20's well manored

Late 20's and well manored? She's done very well for herself I'd say.

Lady of the Manor and all

She sounds like a self centered dreamer who doesn't have her priorities right. It should be joint decisions. Not just her demanding and sulking. I mean there can be relationships where one wears the trousers as they say. There are men who do what they can to keep their partners happy and vice versa.

Some people do see life as a competition. Sometimes my mum can be abit like that. If my toe hurt hers would hurt. Sadly in my mum's case she doesn't have much going on in her life and spends most of it home alone when my dad's at work. Sometimes people are on competition when they want to be a part of something else. Obviously without knowing any background about this women it's hard to say.

Social media has taken over everyone's lives. Its addictive and people crave constant approval and interest to make themselves feel better. Making out life is always perfect. I'm happy to show a picture of my kids with a dirty face. Yet many have to have the perfect shabby chic background behind their freshly bathed children. It's all very fake and wannabe.

She does sound like her priorities are all wrong but if this man's happy enough with her then there's not much anyone can do.

It’s “ beck and call” ( sorry I am turning into my Mum!)

She sounds like a nightmare and you are right to be concerned as it will come to a bad end. Is he happy running after her? He wouldnt listen even you spoke to him perhaps some hints about high maintenance women might help...

You certainly know a lot about her!

Sure.
Don't even need to read further than her treating everything as a competition and thinking she is the best at everything. That alone would be enough to say she was a narcissist (or similar). Normal people don't turn everything into a competition. Narcissists see everything as a game of winners and losers and they cannot be the loser so they have to make sure someone else is.

They certainly don't have to be appearance or social media selfie obsessed. But somatic narcissists tend to be.

No need to doubt yourself with this one, it's pretty blatant.

Imagine being that much of an arsewipe that a sarcastic comment about grammar is your only input to a difficult situation the OP is actually posting about. @TellItLikeItReallyIs maybe you should find a job as a tutor or similar instead of dragging down people who are having a rough time?

OP she does sound manipulative, and social media has obviously taken over her life. You say he has no say ever, does he try and have a say? Or is he happily going along because it’s easier than making a decision for himself? In what way is he being isolated? If she is telling him he can’t see his family then yes, it could be dangerous territory. She doesn’t have to get on with the family but the negative comments wouldn’t fly with most people if they are not true. Is he standing up for his family when these comments are made? And if you’re not one of these people how do you know these comments are being made? If it’s around the family do the family not say anything to her? And if it’s not are you sure you’re being told the whole truth? You’re obviously only getting one side of what is going on here, but if you’re actually worried about him have you sat him down and had a chat with him?

@Bunnylady53 sorry - spell check! @TellItLikeItReallyIs again sorry I typed extra fast didn't even check grammar. Although don't remember asking in the OP for a grammar/spelling check. Thanks anyway.

@pinkyredrose yes, she is family. Known her for 4 years. So yes, I know a lot about her. Your point being?!

@Madaboutthem2 you got it spot on! She is a lovely girl so to speak but it's very fake and I know she slags us all off behind our back and is jealous/spiteful etc to us. It's just draining, I don't want to be a part/around of her selfish 'perfect' life. She's draining to be around when we are together as family as it's all about her. I just sit there and feel so sorry for her DH as he just can't see it! But sadly close family so what can you do? How do you even deal with this sort of person/be around them when you can see them indirectly controlling and manipulating your family member?

That being said - I'm assuming you have seen this behaviour first hand. And it's not just what the husband (or other) is telling you.

Because if it's all coming from him, technically he could be the narcissist, projecting all his qualities onto her and trying to make himself seem like the poor hard done by partner.

@BarbourellaTheCoatzilla no she is very clever in what she does but I can see right past her. So she would say 'oh, we should see your family' But then she would also be constantly going on about one us - 'we did this to her, we made her feel sad, we made her feel uncomfortable' you get what I mean? Making him feel like why would he want to be around his family that make his perfect wife feel like that? It's a lies of course, shes treated like a princess by the family. I would be the first to admit if she was ever treated differently but she really isn't, the family are lovely to her!

I don't know, I just feel like she is very dangerous, she has tried to frame me and manipulate me to say something bad about a family member that she could use against me and against the family. She is very jealous of the relationship I have with her DH family, we get on very well and she doesn't like it because she feels like shes not favorite (there are no favorites)

@Pinkbonbon no, he thinks she is a saint. It is what we have all witnessed, me especially.

Yeah, all pretty telling really. She's a nasty peace of work.
I would try and withdraw as much as possible from her. She's probably notice and kick off (they have a sixth sense for when other people -victims- are pulling away) but so what, let her kick off. Just try to keep dignified. And at a distance.

I think you have no idea what you're talking about and are projecting ideas onto this description to support your theory that she is abusive.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a psychological disorder, not just being spoiled.

She just sounds insecure and image focused . You have to consider that she may genuinely feel that the family has made her feel x or y, maybe wrongly but maybe try watching her next time and seeing if things seem to hit her hard?

I'm not saying that she's not a psycho bitch but she also might not be.

NPD is a personality disorder. Despite official statistics putting it at 1% of the population (sociopathy at 4%) , many professionals in the field are now estimating it at anything between 5% and 15% percent of the population.

EG: Dr Ramani Durvasula (see youtube) puts it at around 1 in 10

Having seen it in close context myself...If anything, society is too slow to recognise these things for what they are. We always like to assume the best in people and to try and understand them from our point of view. Unfortunately, many people are not like us. Many people really are psycho bitches.

How old is she? It sounds like teenager girl behaviour. Honestly, you sound over invested in this almost like you are looking for her faults and nitpicking because you don’t like her. Is this you as the DH mum whose son can do no wrong and the daughter in law is taking him away?

Her behaviour has some red flags for emotional manipulation / abuse, eg sulking.

But the vast majority of what you’ve said about her is just your negative speculation/opinion about what she thinks and feels. It’d be better to focus on things you’ve directly observed in her behaviours or words towards your family member, you or others that concern you.

Speculation/your opinion:

She is a 'lovely' girl.
well mannered
quiet conservative, innocent 'angel'
has grown up very spoilt
like she is the only person in the world who matters. Like she is the most important person in the world. She comes cross to said family member very loving, and I do totally think she loves him.
everything is her way or no way.
She manipulated him to do what she wants when she wants, go where she wants when she wants,
He runs to her beck and call
and treats her like the little baby
she acts like until she gets what she wants.
Then shes happy.
She is VERY jealous.
She snubs everything that someone has that is better than her.
Life is not a competition may I add.
She thinks she is the best at everything.
She is never happy for anyone, including family, who achieve a milestone in their life and she hasn't done it first or better.
Shes overly competitive in everything. If you do it, shes done it better.
She has no empathy or care in anyone but herself. She is obsessed with social media and how she comes across, like a wannabe 'influencer'.
She has to pose for the prefect photo (which she has trained DH to be her photographer) to portray her perfect life. She does this when we are out with family, it;s a constant photo shoot.
Shes obsessed with how she looks, having the most expensive things, all for instagram. Everything she does, is for a photo. She poses her toast for christ sake!

Going against the trend here, but you sound very over invested in their home and her social media and I'm feeling a bit sorry for her. Are you the mother in law by any chance? So they got married, but haven't yet bought a house? She might be sensing your dislike and jealousy, coz it's certainly there, and she probably feels you judging her every move to have time with her new husband and a nice life. Might be wrong, but your post is majorly just negative opinion rather than actual incidents. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@LimpLettice if your brother or son was going out with someone particularly manipulative but you previously had a good close relationship with them wouldn't you be concerned about his welfare?

OP does he still go out with his friends separately from her?

It's a tricky one - I'm another that feels there could be a lot of projecting going on here because you clearly don't like her. Everything you've said that is concrete about her I don't think necessarily reflects badly on her, whilst the things you've said that do reflect badly on her are much more vague.

For example, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be married before buying a house - it's quite sensible to want to know you're settled before complicating your finances, in the same way that it's sensible to be married before having children. There's no evidence that she only wanted to get married for the pictures, did she say that to you? Because otherwise that comment sounds quite mean.

Similarly, posting a lot of pictures and getting her DP to take them doesn't make her an awful, vapid person, that's very common these days and plenty of perfectly nice people behave that way. You sound very judgemental about how she is on social media and that makes it hard to take you seriously when you say she has no reason to feel uncomfortable around his family. Your judgment of her is extremely strong in the way you speak of her.

Things like taking everything as a competition and sulking don't come across as great, but what examples are you drawing from? If these are observations you have made of her behaviour in front of you then I don't think you can rule out the possibility that her attitude is more a symptom of general grumpiness around his family because they genuinely make her feel like crap. Do you have any evidence of her being this way around other people? Or of her being controlling to him? That is essentially the most worrying trait you've mentioned but you haven't actually given any evidence of anything she has done that is controlling.

If you could expand on that, it might transpire that you are entirely right and she is a nasty piece of work. But from your post alone it sounds more like she is a normal girl who doesn't act her best around you because it's very obvious you dislike and look down on her.

@ColaFreezePop of course I would! Doesn't sound exactly like concern to me though. I see shades of over bearing mother here, although I'm willing to see I might be projecting. OP reads like angry mum who thinks son should still be at HER beck and call, buy the house she likes, etc.

Imagine if OP had posted this about a man?

His wife is controlling and emotionally abusive.

Disengage, none of this is any of your business. I'm not being rude, you have the freedom to go minimal contact and ignore her social media.

You don't like her ( can understand why) and she probably feels the same. Keep out of it and be there for him when it all goes wrong.

I think you are over invested here.

Sounds like you don't like her very much and she could well be guilty of some of these things but whatever you felt "framed" about has clearly still left you angry. Deal with that first.