Backstory: I am 29, been with my partner 8 years, we were engaged and we have a 4 year old child together. I moved to the city to live with him so my family (of which there’s only 2 people) all live miles away. My dad was never around since I was a baby and my relationship with my mum has never been brilliant (she was quite neglectful when I was a child) so I always saw my partners parents as my new surrogate ones, we had a great relationship. I had postnatal depression that has never fully gone away and as a result I’ve changed somewhat as a person. My partner says I’m less affectionate and loving toward him than I used to be (to some extent this may be true, but it’s only because I also felt disconnected from him for a long time emotionally, and at one point he was so touchy feely I felt that anytime I even so much as cuddle me he’d just want to jump me and shag me). At the same time I’ve never really felt that he has tried to emotionally connect with how I’ve been feeling since I had our son. Whenever I have tried to explain my feelings in the past, even the more extreme ones “I wish I was an auntie rather than a mum so I can give him back at the end of the day”, I got the reply “well I don’t feel like that” which almost invalidated how hard I was finding motherhood.
Anyway we worked through a lot of these issues (or so I thought). I changed jobs and was less stressed generally, we were having lots of sex and spending more time together. I still very much loved and adored him as I always have.
I love him so much. I felt so safe with him and secure. I loved our family unit when we were together; the problem was I struggled with my son alone.
I never thought he could hurt me in any shape or form because (a) he’s never been that sort of person. Always dead against cheaters, the first to say “that’s terrible!” when he hears of it. He wouldn’t even harm a spider, scooping them up to put them outside! (B) he is very attracted to me and we do have good sex. He was until about 6 months ago always telling me he feels very in love with me. Therefore I never thought he’d seriously look elsewhere.
However in September I became aware that he’d developed a close friendship with a woman at work. He had a case of mentionitus and was on his phone more. Plus he suddenly went out socially more. They had an emotional affair whereby he would go on secret dates with her and they’ve kissed a few times. It came to head when I had a breakdown, told him I was so suspicious and panicking (literally having panic attacks) that he admitted he had feelings for her and had kissed her on 3 occasions. I’d snooped on his phone and I knew they’d gone on some evenings out together and were getting bus journeys to/from work together. I felt like my whole world caved in.
But I was prepared to let it go if he would just ditch her. But after a month he said it made him really unhappy not being friends with her even though he knew how this made me feel. In the heat of the moment I threw my ring at him and suggested we should go on a break so he can think about what he wants. I was hoping I’d be his priority like I always was before.
But 2 days later he told me he didn’t see a future with me romantically.
Now I face moving out of our mortgaged property into a house share, back to having just a rented room and living with strangers. I face paying maintenance for my son.
(It has to be this way as I can’t sell the house otherwise neither of us can afford a suitable place for our son to live on our own salaries. Plus my son will be happier with his daddy. I wouldn’t be able to cope alone).
I think my first and possibly biggest issue and has been for so long is that I am very lonely but a very sociable person by nature. I lack true people in my life; having only 2 of my own family members who live miles away and rarely bother to come to see me (as a result I gave up visiting them too for quite a long time) and only a couple of friends. Motherhood made a social life even more difficult for me with schedules etc and me not being able to drive. So now I face a very long lonely road of isolation.
My second issue is financial. I feel like I’m losing everything when we’ve currently got a house together and I’m on the property ladder. I will go from us having joint £1000/m surplus to having £180/m sole surplus. So my lifestyle will need to change drastically.
I gave up my legal career possibility to have a child and now I feel that ship has well and truly sailed. I’m on £13 per hour in debt collection. I also only started paying into my pension this year.
I have a flabby mum tum so even though it’s not top of my priority I don’t know if I’ll meet someone who will find me attractive naked.
I just feel like my present and future is fucked and I feel so depressed. I’ve been signed off work, I have left the house 2 times in a fortnight. I can’t eat. We’re sleeping in separate beds until I can move out (he’s on an air bed downstairs as we only live in a 2 bedroom house) and I just feel desperately sad that I’ve lost my companion, I feel so lonely and there’s this enormous gaping hole that I don’t know can ever be filled.
Our son doesn’t know yet, dreading telling him. This is breaking my heart