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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can i have a hand hold please

5 replies

inmyshoos · 02/12/2019 10:17

Im in a new relationship (just over a year) and i love my partner dearly. He is at best the most amazing considerate gentle loving man ive ever known. However he had a really horrible childhood, neglectful and abusive and suffered a lot of trauma. He was then married for 20 yrs and think the relationship wasn't a healthy one and probably only damaged him further.

He has these periods of being triggered, part of ptsd which i understand and am fairly educated on but they are devastating nonetheless.

I know he becomes unwell, he hates it, it makes him full of self loathing and he is devastated at the hurt these episodes cause once he feels well again.

Ive accepted this is something we will have to deal with but its so devastating when it happens, i get so anxious and tearful and although im trying to constantly say to myself...this will pass and all will be ok... a hand hold would be so nice.

He wasn't great last night, has gone to work today and im on tenter hooks wondering what the day will bring.
Mental health is a bastard. Sad

OP posts:
KnickerBockerAndrew · 02/12/2019 10:20

Ah you poor thing. I had an ex who was in a similar situation. PTSD is a horrible, horrible condition and the guilt cycle is just a bastard.

What is he like when he's unwell? My ex would just disappear and take loads of drugs. I think he was trying to separate himself from me, partly because he didn't want to hurt me but partly because he found it difficult to allow himself to be vulnerable.

Take care of yourself OP xx

Rainbowqueeen · 02/12/2019 10:24

Hand holding here too

Remember you can’t pour from an empty cup so you need to look after yourself first and foremost. If he has PTSD he needs professional help, not just to rely on you
Wishing you both well

SuperbMonkey · 02/12/2019 10:25

Handhold offered! To be fair it may be that his PTSD was a feature of the marriage and contributed to it not working out. I hope that he is getting professional help so that you can both have a life that you can be excited about.

inmyshoos · 02/12/2019 10:31

Thank you so much for replying.

knicker when he is unwell his head gets 'busy', he can become quite defensive and paranoid, over thinking. Starts to not believe that i love him. He just runs blind. Can become unkind with his words. But then once he starts to think rationally again he hates the mess he has made, hayes himself, becomes suicidal. Its horrible. He is such a beautiful intelligent creative person... i wish he could see himself through my eyes.
Rainbow absolutely try and look after myself, keep my own cup full. Getting professional help has been very difficult and he is currently on a waiting list for another psych referral.

OP posts:
inmyshoos · 02/12/2019 10:36

superb absolutely he admits his part in the marriage breakdown but there were other factors that didnt help and im not saying they were not partly due to this mh either. Its tragic regardless of blame. Almosf like the self fulfilling prophecy... he doesnt believe he is worth loving... he shuts down to protect himself... partner feels pushed away... seeks comfort from another.... reinforcing to him that he is unlovable or that those who love him/he loves will hurt him. Sad

OP posts:
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