Please help me get my ducks in a row, I'm so scared

[chickenfriedtwice]

Husband wants a divorce. We are now separated.

I'm concerned and upset, and everything else. But really just want advice regarding DC

I spoke about this briefly on a different thread and the answer I got was that I would need to remain close to where ex lives.

In a nutshell, I moved to his area of the country when we got married. I had DC at 19 and had no family support around me, etc. DC is now 2 and we he told me it was over, I came to my nan's house. My Nan lives miles away from him.

I asked him what me and DC would do as this was our house (the house we all live in), and he said "Well that's not my problem. Move in with your Nan". He also said "You won't be able to afford this place anyway so it's not your home for much longer". But if I do that and move in with my Nan it's so far away.

And I have been advised that if I'm the one to move away from him, I'll have to do all the pick ups and drop offs when it comes to contact with DC and ex. Even though I really have no choice but to since I can not afford to live in the area we do at the moment, and if I move in with my Nan she won't charge me extortionate amounts so I can at least save for a half decent future for me and DC.

I also, desperately, want to know what will happen regarding contact. He is saying every Friday night he will have DC and give back on a Sunday afternoon. The thought of my baby leaving me for so long at the moment sends chills down me. I've never been separated from him, he's still breastfed, still very much a baby that's always with me.

I'm also unsure about what to do with work. I work part time, I'm next in on Wednesday. What on Earth do I tell my boss? What would I tell a new employer, would then not question why I'd left my job after less than a year there?!

Any advice would be appreciated so much

Have you as yet sought legal advice? If you have not done so find a Solicitor you can work with asap.

Who has advised you to date?.

It is NOT down to your H to set any terms re this child's contact; that is probably being done by him to intimidate you (and he has certainly managed to do that). This should also be discussed with the Solicitor along with all aspects of your case.

It does sound like living with your Nan may be best for you. You would have some company and it would be more affordable.

Friday to Sunday every week would be completely unacceptable, you need to spend time with your child too, and if you’re still breastfeeding they can take that into account. Children this young mostly want to be with their primary caregivers. Could he do Friday to Saturday evening?

Is he really so horrible that he would make you do all the pick ups and drop offs? Can you go to mediation to work this all out?

It sounds like you have been given bad advice, presumably by your H who is trying to manipulate you or by people who don't actually know what they are talking about. There are plenty of solicitors who will give a free half hour consultation. The CAB are also very good at giving factual advice.

If you are married then you are entitled to a share of the family assets. Your H is also obliged to help provide for your DC financially. If DC is still being breastfed, I believe there are laws about them not staying away for too long so don't panic just yet.

Go get proper advice and then start standing up for yourself. If you allow DH to treat you like a doormat then you will get the bare minimum in the way of financial support. Don't let him walk all over you. You have a child who needs to be fed, kept in clothes and provided with a safe, secure place to live. Time to fight back.

I would try to have an objective but realistic conversation with him about the housing and finances. One that centres around the needs of your child who should be able to have a relationship with both of you. For that to happen it is usually best that you live in reasonable proximity.

In this situation most couples agree to

1. live together until the finances are sorted and they can move on independently, or
2. One moves out locally. This is usually the father because he has the income to afford it.

He is currently full of bluster and is bullying you. Telling you what you should do and what you might be entitled to. Turn this on it’s head. Instead tell him you are considering the option to move back in and to apply for a mesher order along with spousal maintenance. That you have discussed an increase in hours at work that means you can afford the mortgage repayments. However he will need to increase his weekday childcare commitment and agree to every other weekend.

Restate that this is an option and you are willing to consider others which reasonably fits with your sons needs and yours. Be clear that you are willing to listen and consider what he has to say but that you will not be told what to do.

And by the way what I suggested here is a possible option. It might be difficult to achieve but you certainly can put it on the table.

In the meantime you apply for benefits and child maintenance. Even if you move back in you can claim benefits.

I'm wondering if he can give notice on the house without me? I'm registered as an occupant but not an official person who pays the rent, I don't believe.

We don't have any assets.

And I'm wondering if the breastfeeding thing would even have a leg to stand on in court since DC isn't a baby.

It's all just such a mess. We were saving for a mortgage. Things were finally looking more positive. We lost our daughter only 8 weeks ago. I just can't believe this. But I know my husband and he seems very certain of his choice. He doesn't make idle threats.

Now I'm probably going to have to take my DC into temp accommodation. I can't afford to pay the rent and live there. I don't have the funds, even with a benefit top up I'd be entitled to

Get some proper actual legal advice.

Forget the free half hour blah blah, find a good solicitor and pay for an hour or two of their time and take anything you can get your hands on, bank statements, payslips (his), bills, any debt paperwork.

Your husband is trying to intimidate you into agreeing to go along with whatever he says, by telling you what's what, like it's fact.

Lots of what he's saying and demanding will be bullshit.

Go and speak to a solicitor.

The baby lives with you. Just say no to dropping him off. What’s the ex going to do?? The worst that can happen is he refuses to bring him back but at least that cuts the journey in half for you. You need legal advice.