Finding the courage to leave

[StormyDecember]

My marriage has been over for years but for some reason, I can’t find the courage to ask my husband to leave.

Every red line has been crossed - verbal abuse, other women, no interest in me or family life. He hates me, thinks I’m an evil and horrible person (his words yesterday) and says he only stays for the children. I’m lonely and sad.

I have my own money so things are fine from that perspective. And I’m not worried that I’d be alone forever. I think I could eventually meet someone else.

However, he is charming (when he wants to be, not to me though) and good looking and I like that people know me as his wife. He’s also good with DC and I worry that I’d cope as a single parent as I have no family support and very few friends and a highly demanding job.

I need some words of wisdom please, to help me over my fear for me and for DC. If you’ve left someone you loved because you knew it was bad for you, how did you do it?

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

You will cope on your own. You just will. You deserve happiness.

How old are your children?

Just tell him that you're not happy, and you know he's not either, and it'll be better for everyone if you go your separate ways.

I’m 44. I have twins aged 9.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

The marriage is over because of the abuse he has and continues to mete out towards you and in turn your children who have seen and heard far more than either of you realise.

Re your comment:-
"However, he is charming (when he wants to be, not to me though) and good looking and I like that people know me as his wife. He’s also good with DC and I worry that I’d cope as a single parent as I have no family support and very few friends and a highly demanding job".

Abusers are often quite plausible to those in the outside world (their image is important) and also they are not married to him. You are and you know what he is really like. He may be "good looking" on the outside but inside he is real ugly.

Abuse like this thrives on secrecy; time now to bust this apart. Who cares really what other people think and besides which you have few friends, how many people do know you as his wife?. I would also think that one or two of them have their own private based suspicions about your H. As for being known as "Mr StormyDecembers wife"; you are far more than just that mere descriptor and besides which your husband is abusive towards you and in turn your kids. These are really paper think reasons to stay and are infact no reasons to stay at all. Your children are not going to say "thanks mum" to you if you were to choose to stay with him for your own reasons. Because they are your own reasons.

How is he good with the DC or is this really you trying and failing to put a gloss on things?. Decent fathers do not abuse the mothers of their children. He is harming them emotionally too by sending them very mixed messages by being all Disney Dad with them (his love is all conditional really) and behaving abusively to you as their mother. I would think they also walk on eggshells around him not to set him off as well as being hypervigilant and submissive around him) and abusive towards you as their mother. His actions are about power and control; he wants absolute over you all. Do not think they do not notice how bad things are in your home between you two because they do and they see how worried and otherwise preoccupied you are. Your house is akin to a warzone and is certainly not the sanctuary that these children or you need.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them to have a relationship like this?. No you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Its never easy to leave (fear of him also keeps women within abusive relationships along with so many other reasons) and he will continue to act like a shit post divorce towards you but this is no reason to stay with him either. What you are showing your children is a terrible example of a relationship and one they could well go onto emulate themselves either by being the abused or the abuser.

Seek outside support for your own self; do consider contacting Womens Aid and the Rights of Women for legal advice. Both will help you. Put plans in place to start anew with your kids; they will thank you for showing them that there is better out there for them too. Make 2020 a better year for you.