What can I do...

[FROZENN]

Sorry... I wrote a long message and every time I clicked "create conversation" it logged me out. I've copied it and tried pasting it, but the same thing happens. I will post my query in the reply section if I can't come back here to edit this and paste the message.

So original message here as I couldn't edit the one above.!
My DH is stubborn, he doesn't see things pass his own nose. His behaviour, attitude and basically just the way he is, is starting to affect our children. Everyone is always in the wrong with him, he's never in the wrong. He gives out to our children with the same tone and attitude like he's arguing with an adult. I've started resenting him. He's not a nice person to argue with , so I rarely argue with him. Although I'm not submissive either. I just choose my battles very carefully. Our preteen is into sports , and DH is constantly putting him down after games, tells him how great some of the other team mates were and then tells him he should have done this or that better, or he's not as good at xyz as he used to be. But DH doesnt see anything wrong in doing this. He thinks DS needs to hear this to help him improve himself. It makes me so sad because he is destroying his own child. Ive explained constructive criticism only or no criticism at all. He just doesn't get it. This particular child can be moody , and I can see him turning like his father, Moody and in need of anger management . I usually get the back lash of it from our son. He breaks my heart, as its his father whose words are hurting him , yet he's constantly looking for his attention, and validation from him . I'm at a loss of what I can do. He's always giving out to the kids, and raising his voice, he has no filter.
He doesn't see there's anything wrong with him, so he won't seek help. So there's nothing I can do with him. I can't leave him for reasons I don't want to go into.
But what can I do to support my children and to continue to strengthen their mental health. He's also dropped work hours (by choice) , so he's at home now a bit more than usual too, which the kids and myself hate.
I've spent years upon years walking on eggshells with him, its just horrible that he has more time at home now. I'm a home person , and an introvert, so I also feel that the small bit of peace and freedom that I had is now gone, as I like spending time at home by myself.
There's no love (on my side anyway, not sure about his side) , romance, affection, intimacy either. Which I'm happy with as I've lost all positive feelings for him. He continually , but possibly not intentionally , does things that make me resent him more and more. Like cutting back hours at work. He is like having an extra child in the house.

'I can't leave him for reasons I don't want to go into.'

I'm sure you can. If you share the reasons with someone- such as here, someone else you know, or with a counsellor, they could help you find a way.

'But what can I do to support my children and to continue to strengthen their mental health.'

Leave him.

'he's at home now a bit more than usual too, which the kids and myself hate.
I've spent years upon years walking on eggshells with him, its just horrible that he has more time at home now.'

This is profoundly damaging to your children's mental health. They're saying/showing they hate him being around because of how he makes them feel. My sister and I grew up with a dad like this- walking on eggshells and living with a volcano. We've both with left with anxiety issues, because we spent 16+18 years respectively with nowhere where we could relax. Then our mum left him, and we saw her for the person she was. She's a very kind and helpfuul person, but when she was with him it didn't show at home, because she let him do all the name calling etc or whatever, and didn't stand up for us.

You know what you need to do for the well being of yourself and your children. His behaviour could effect their health for life, as well as their ability to work, and to have healthy relationships (it might even have all these effects on your own life, too.)

We are not from the same country, my biggest fear if we split is that he will take the children and return to his country, and then theyre stuck with him forever, 24/7. I know the situation now is not ideal, but at least I'm in their lives now, and so is my family, which are all positive influences on them.

I'm 100% certain he has his own mental health issues going on, and this all affects his parenting. He won't admit there's something not quiet right with him, therefore won't seek help.

I know leaving him would solve the main issues, but he is the type to cut off his nose to spite his face, and I believe in a rage of anger, he could very well put his own needs before his kids , and bring them back to his mother country.

There are calm days too, hes not angry every day, its like it comes in phases, calm weeks then a few days where he has a bee in His bonnet.
Male PMS....!

Do the children have passports?
I guess he can't take the children without a passport?
It sounds like you are a prisoner; but the only one you can get you and your children out of this situation is you.
No one can rescue you.
The only way to get out of this is if you decide to leave, then make you plans, then execute those plans.
Plenty of women on Mumsnet have done the above, it can be done, but you are the one make it happen.

You could teach your kids that if dad ever tried to take them to another country on a plane, that they should tell staff at the airport that they have been taken from their mum, and that they do NOT want to go, that mum hasn't given permission and doesn't know they've going. Might be worth doing so at least in the event of him trying to take them that there's a way to halt the process. Also impress on them that even if daddy says it's a holiday, that he might not let them come back.

I wonder if there are other ways of marking them as abduction risk via an alert connected to their passport or something? Might be worth looking into.