Sex twice in nearly five years.

[Blackskiesandapplepies]

We’ve never had a brilliant sex life, truth be told, but since I fell pregnant with dd nearly five years ago we’ve had sex twice.
I had PND badly after dd so have to take a proportion of the blame but dh won’t use condoms or have a vasectomy (he’s 46 - I am 11 years younger) and he wants me to take the pill. I’m reluctant as I’ve taken it previously and the combined pill caused migraines with aura and the mini pill made me put weight on and bleed randomly. The dr said no estrogen based contraceptive would be suitable because of the migraines with aura. I don’t expect dh to have a vasectomy if he doesn’t want one but I don’t see why he won’t use condoms.

We don’t do anything else either. No proper kissing, no touching each other - it’s not just no full sex. Dh says doing anything else is too frustrating and so he’d rather not start.
In truth he barely ever mentions it. We’ve been married 15 years and our sex life has been rubbish from the start. We didn’t even have sex on honeymoon, which is a really depressing thing to admit.
Where do I go from here? I don’t think it’s going to change. It’s unusual for men to be so not bothered? I mean twice in five years. Prior to that a fair bit when trying for dd but before that rarely.

Does he want to rekindle intimacy? Do you?

Aside from that, what’s your relationship like?

I don’t know if he does. We don’t talk about it. We dont talk about anything very much apart from the children. We function but that’s about it. I’m not that bothered really I suppose - but I don’t want to resign myself to not having sex again for the next 40 years. I’m only 35 so that seems depressing.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to him about it. He’s never given oral sex. He’s usually pretty well straight for penetrative sex and I don’t come. That’s why he’s no interest in doing anything unless it’s full sex, because that’s all sex is for him. I’d feel weird about him giving me oral sex now. It would be too intimate.

Hi Op

I dont think its as unusual as people think. Testosterone starts to decline from mid thirties in men, and if it was raging to start with, it could be affecting his drive.
Secondly, he could have a bit of a mental block on the idea for now considering the "fuss" around sex (Contraception, your pndp and the possible rejection he felt around that time).

Really, looking at the future, you should think about what you would like.
If this isnt for you going forward, which i guess from your post you arent that happy, you have choices to make.
You talk it through, at relationship counselling if he wont open up, to try and salvage the situation and get sex back on track (Bit i would say this is rarely successful, especially if the urge wasnt strong in him at the start)
You compromise with hugs, physical closeness in other ways and sort yourself out sexually
Or you seperate of it really is a deal breaker.

Really think about what you would like and need, not what society tells us: ie, everyone is at it and so should you be. Thats idealisitic rubbish. And also not what everyone really wants deep down.

Time for some soul searching x

Sounds as though as though he's just not that into you

Time to move on?

*wasnt raging to start with

Sorry.

Could he be asexual?

What was the start of the relationship like? It does sound a bit like he felt he has to have a wife and kids at 35, and then it’s job done.

Do you think you two can gradually learn to communicate and you getting more proactive and assertive about what you’d like?

I’ve wondered that Pics. He never seems to even masturbate. I don’t know...
We met when I was very young. He asked me to marry him after six weeks. We were married within 18 months. It all moved fast, I wish I’d had time to catch my breath because even back then the sex wasn’t great or often.
When we do have sex dh always comes but I rarely do because I can’t come just from penetrative sex and these not much lead up.
I feel like we are so out of the habit now that it feels weird. I don’t see him in a sexual way at all anymore - maybe the same is true of him for me.

You really need to ask the hard question: is this what I want for the rest of my life?

This is the only life you get.

Sounds like my exh. No interest in sex. Managed to have 3 dc.
When I left him - after having a sex fuelled affair - he had a fling.
With my landlord..
Keith.
He only married me to provide dc. Only like sex doggy style....

So many threads on sexual dysfunction on here lately seem to involve a man who is 10+ years older than the OP. I’ve no problem with the older man but if sex is important I’d definitely lean towards a younger model!

busybarbara

So many threads on sexual dysfunction on here lately seem to involve a man who is 10+ years older than the OP

Yes!

OP you are young to contemplate a life of celibacy, and there are no other signs of physical intimacy from him either. He was also selfish to not want to take responsibility for contraception, when the pill would have caused you harm.

Time to think about what YOU want out of a relationship.

You can't take the pill your GP mentions because it increases the risk of stroke for people who have migraines- does your husband not care!!