Husband is never happy with what we've got.. long but please help me out

[neverhappyneverfulfilled]

He is never ever happy or tries to make the most of what we've got. I have always been bought up with very little money but we was all a very happy family and made the most of what we had. My husband was brought up in a average income type family but was always told he needs to do better and he did and I'm proud of him.

However in this day and age, everything is going up and wages are staying the same or at least not covering the costs. I've tried every single thing to budget and save as much money as I can, including knitting warm blankets and other things, buying Poundland stuff, going aldi, supermarkets in reduced section, just budgeting in general but we are still not comfortably well off.. each month we have about 400-500 leftover and that has to cover any expenses that may happen to the car (we definitely need the car), yearly insurance, tax, mot.. going abroad on holidays are very rare. We only been once. We just go in the uk now.

Now for me personally, I'm not bothered at all about money, as long as we are not struggling and we can make ends meet. I make the most of what we got like my hard working parents did. We still have money. We have a roof over our head, we have a gorgeous little boy, we live in a stunning village which is rented. We have our health. We have the nhs. We are really lucky to be honest, so I'm ok with it. He, however, goes on about wanting a mortgage in a massive house that's costing 250-300k. He wants both of us to get a newer car. He wants better quality clothes. He wants a lot more savings. Every month I get ranted and moaned at about our income. I am trying to hard to save! We don't smoke nor drink. I always get cheaper groceries and cook all my meals from scratch. No takeaways. He has ago at me because I am in a dead end job with low pay.. but I am studying at the moment to progress and have better future career prospects but the way he goes on at me all the time... I can't hack it anymore! I finally blew my lid and told him if he isn't happy then he can get out and live on his own and have his own money. I'd rather he do that than support me and put me down all the time.

I sometimes think I am with the wrong person because he strongly desires other things. I'm really upset that he just cannot he happy with what we've got

He sounds miserable and you sound lovely.
I’m not sure what to advise but surely your times will come in the long run, sounds like you’re working really hard and he needs patience.

I mean you are right, you seem quite incompatible about money, which along with sex seem to be the two biggest relationship breakers.
Unless one of you can compromise quite a lot you are going to clash and be unhappy.
I don't have a solution but you need a really serious cards on the table discussion about where your lives are going, to decide if they can go forward together.

I'm like your dp. I want better for my family, I get depressed because we can't give them more, I get frustrated with myself. We earn OK money but have no opportunity to move Doe to other factors in life. I don't blame my dp for that though, it's because of me aswell. Everyone now seems to drive fancy cars and have the 4 bedroom detached house.

Why are you in a dead-end job with low pay? Just think that is relevant to whether he is being unfair.

This reminds me of exH

I worked, studied, looked after the kids, the house, the bills, cooked dinner for us all very night, read to our beautiful children... blah blah we had friends our health, family, car, some holidays with friends (UK) all good.

I was happy with our lot. Him, not so much. Went to work came home too tired to help with kids, miserable with his lot in life. Thought we ‘deserved more’ - deserved more!! FFS!! Wanted a massive house. Big showoff car. Wanted to borrow whatever it took. His solution - I work more hours! The only hours were the ones when I was asleep!

In the end I couldn’t hack it any more. Have him an ultimatum. Nothing changed. Then, I left.

tbh he seems more cheery nowadays. Although who really knows. Matters not as I needed him out of my life.

@lifesnotaspectatorsport because I'm thick of shit that's why. I am not the brightest person. Yes I'm studying but don't think I'll get very far with it. I can only try my best though. and I hope I will be able to at least become more intelligent because of it.

I find it sad you think you're so thick, OP. Success, btw, doesn't have to have anything to do with academic success, but it's a shame you seem to have written yourself off with regard to your studies.

I'm struggling with how £500 spare money each month is struggling?

Oh I’d tell him to fuck off and find a rich lady!

He's a fun sponge. I strongly suspect he'd still not be happy and moan if he had his £400000 mortgaged house and a newer car. Just want more and never be satisfied

Bet he still wouldn't be happy with those things. Some people are always looking for the bigger better, rather than just being happy with what they have.

Five hundred quid left over each month is pretty good if you ask me.

I think you have to decide if staying with him is just going to make you miserable in the long run. Because he'll never be happy and miserable sorts, tend to just drag others down.

What does he expect you to do op?

If you are working; studying for better career prospects and have tightened your belt that much...what is it he wants? Have you asked him? Can he even articulate? Or is his literally complaining about things you have no control of?

Sorry OP, You sound lovely. He is just a world class miserable cunt. Nothing anyone could do or say would cheer him up, so I say, don't fucking bother. Tell him to fuck the fuck off, quite smartly.

Materialism is not linked to happiness. I suspect your husband is always going to be disappointed.

Regardless, what's he doing about going out and earning more? It's all well and good having the chat about wanting fancy stuff, but if you're not earning the £££, you've got to accept your lot in life.

Sounds like you are being sensible in terms of reducing overheads.

Fair play to you on your studies. Surely he can see the long term plan there?

I know you’re trying your best and I admire that fully. However, if I was your DH, i’d be annoyed that you were in a ‘dead end job’ and studying whilst you need more money as a couple. Unless you’re suddenly going to be earning £100k at the end of it, studying Isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be. I have a a degree so I should know 😂

OP you are in no way thick. Your posts tell us otherwise. It is massively important you stop telling yourself that, because your kid will instantly believe the same of himself if he struggles at school. Your posts are well written and insightful. I don't mean to sound patronising! Unless someone else composed and wrote them, you are good at communication. It is hard to get opportunities in a village but I understand it is lovely there and you want that for your child.

And I say...keep studying..if that did annoy a husband, what a depressing marriage that would be, previous poster!

My ex was a fun sponge too - he still is! I’m glad I don’t have to look at his miserable face anymore. Money won’t change that.

Don’t put yourself down x

What are you studying OP? It sounds like it might lead to better paid work down the line so he really can’t ask for more from you.

You’re not thick, op. You can tell that from your posts. The government at the moment seems to have everyone believing that if you don’t earn £50k plus you must be stupid or lazy - that just isn’t true. Different circumstances / areas / opportunities etc = difference outcomes. My dh is a graduate, we live in a low income area of the uk, he’s in senior role and he earns £18k and works bloody hard for it. Sure we could relocate to London but we’d sacrifice other aspects of our lives to do so.

You sound great. Your dh sounds miserable and like he’s sucking the life out of you. It’s okay to want more but not to the point of hating what you have! How sad.

Please don't put yourself down OP. Even if being academic isn't your strong point, your posts show that you are a very practical, hard working, caring person and that in itself opens up a huge amount of jobs who are crying out for people like you. You are doing a great job of budgeting and that is a skill that many people struggle with. It shows that you definitely are not thick as shit. You simply need to find the right career which uses your skills and then you won't feel like you are thick. It will also help you feel more equal in your marriage.

OP I think your DH just wants to give you and your DC the best life he possibly can. That is something which is inbuilt in most men and goes back to the hunter-gatherer cave man days. Unfortunately it seems that coupled with that, your DH makes you feel like you are to blame for not having more and that is what you need to resolve.

I think you need to sit down with DH and have a big chat without arguing about each others roles in the family. Find out exactly what he is expecting you to do in addition to being a fab mum. Does he help with staying on top of housework etc or is that something he expects you to do? If he is expecting you to bring a good income in on top of doing all the running around after your DC, doing all the household chores and studying then he is being completely unreasonable. This is where you must explain that there are only so many hours in the day and one person is only physically capable of doing so much.

Get a plan in place that both you and DH are happy with for improving life financially. Agree on what you want to work towards improving - it might be that you agree that saving towards a good family holiday abroad or a deposit to buy a house (affordable, not a mansion!) is most important.

Owning your home, holidays and nice cars are all things that most people aspire to but only a small percentage of the population actually manage to have it all because life just isn't like that. It can take a lifetime to achieve all that, even in couples where both have a very good income. But if you can agree to focus on more realistic expectations by working on one thing at a time instead of trying to make everything happen all at once then you should feel less pressured by DH. He should feel happier because you have both agreed to a plan where he feels like the family is bettering itself instead of standing still. You will also have more chance of eventually getting the things your DH wants to give your family if you focus on one thing at a time instead of overwhelming yourselves by trying to get everything now.

Good luck OP. You sound lovely and I do think your DH has good intentions, he's just feeling frustrated because he feels that you as a family aren't making any progress towards a better life.

So you are working, studying AND responsible for the food shop and cooking (and cleaning?)

He does not sound lovely at all

I think the answer lies in the start of your post.
You were brought up happy with what you had and appreciated your family relationships
He wasn’t. He was taught to be dissatisfied- that’s what drives consumerism.
Well done for all you have done for your family. He seems to be materialistic and unpleasant. Have a heart to heart conversation, he should be supporting you not berating you.
If he can’t or won’t change then leave, don’t waste your life on a dissatisfied misery.

I listened to a fantastic TED talk about this and it is also on YouTube.

A Professor has been studying happiness for 30 years and has come to the conclusion that "the more you believe you can buy and display your way out of sadness and into a good life, the more likely you are to become depressed and anxious."

"As a society we have become much more driven by these beliefs, under the weight of advertising, we've been trained to look for happiness in all the wrong places. Just like junk food doesn't meet your nutritional needs junk values don't meet your psychological needs."

20 minutes on depression and anxiety, really interesting.

But stop putting yourself down, you are studying to improve yourself, start believing in yourself.

@neverhappyneverfulfilled Wow, that's not the response I expected to my question - I'm sorry if it seemed judgmental. I'm sure you are doing yourself a disservice! The reason I asked is because if you could get a better job and choose not to, then maybe your husband has a valid reason to be annoyed. Will your study lead to something better?

Fundamentally though it does seem that you want different things from life. But he surely should have known that since you got together? I think you have to have an honest conversation with him about what you can and can't (or don't want to) change about your situation, and be clear that he has to accept that or move on.