Old friend or a good friend? WWYD?

[ComisSousDePartie]

This is likely to be long and rambling but anyway...
A few of us who have all known each other since we were kids, used to pal about together. One of the group (D) has never really liked me but we sort of tolerated each other and apparently I’m a good laugh on a night out. Another of the group (T) sort of fell out with almost everyone when she went through a personal trauma. We recognised she had a lot going on but for a while she was really quite abusive/nasty especially when she had had a drink. The peacemaker has always been L, who hates conflict of any kind. We all live in different bits of the country

So, T distanced herself for a while, and the rest of us carried on seeing each other. Then suddenly it’s all over social media that they have all met up. I was very surprised and asked D what was going on and she said that she had felt bad about T (while slagging her off to me at the same time) and had been messaging her. And L happened to be nearby and so they all (and a few of the rest of the gang) all met up, and she didn’t haven’t to justify to me who she saw. Needless to say I was upset. D was v rude and defensive and L said she wasn’t getting involved. Then L said that they’d all decided that they weren’t going to meet up as a group any more, which was fine by me as it was L that I was the closest to anyway. But then D sent me a load of photos of them all staying at T’s house. I ignored it and then she tagged me on some photos of them all at Ls. I didn’t react but it was very obvious it was for my benefit.

I was very hurt and said to L “you didn’t mean that you’re not all meeting up, you actually meant “we’re not meeting up with you.”” She said it wasn’t like that, but I can’t see it any other way. I said it had made me think about everything and that I wished her all the best but I’d be taking a step back. L hadn’t seen any of the photos/social media posts.

L keeps asking to see me/meet up and admittedly we have been friends for a very very long time, but i just don’t know what to say. I’m so hurt, I feel I can’t trust her somehow but I can’t explain what I mean, properly. I think I feel that she has prioritised wanting to stay friends with everyone over being loyal to me, maybe. But then that sounds really twatty.

I’ve got a lot on and I’m struggling to find the necessary energy to make the effort in meeting up, when it’s likely to be either without substance or alternatively really horribly emotional.

Can someone help me put in to words what’s going on? Sorry i sound so needy!

I don’t know the answer but I’ve been where you are. In my case the social group included my ex BF who my friend had never been friends with and she prioritised being part of the group that included him, over me. She wanted a big group and didn’t care what she had to do to get it. You’re onto a loser here. They’re not going to dump their group for you. I’m guessing that D has set this up deliberately to exclude you. The only thing I can suggest is to meet up with L and take a copy of the photos that were posted by D and show them to her. Could you also meet up with T? I’m thinking you could invite both of them to yours and get your own photo posted up excluding D. I think you’ve just got to not rise to Ds bait. Never respond to her. Never message her again. Delete any tags that she puts up of you. Silently. In the meantime organise loads of your own things that include your other friends and not her. You also at the same time need to be out meeting new people and getting a new group of friends together. Be proactive.

I'd unfriend them, block them and walk away with your head held high.

Then I'd send glitter bombs to make myself feel better.

Keep seeing L and forget about the other two.

The group dynamic is toxic so let it go.

Who cares what D thinks or does.

Fit4more that sounds very similar, picking the group over your feelings. How annoying!

Yes D totally set this up. She’s the original Wendy really. She has blocked me now on social media. I told L this - L doesn’t do social media at all - and L said “well actually that’s what D said that you had done to her.” I told her D was lying through her teeth and she had posted some really deliberate hurtful stuff but because L didn’t see it then it’s like it didn’t happen. Argh the injustice!

I don’t get why L is so insistent on meeting me though? Maybe because she doesn’t want to be the BadGuy? Dunno.

I should say, I have plenty of other very good friends but these are from way way back, and we did go through a lot together.

Why would L want to see me though?

She doesn't want to be a bad friend, even though she has been. You could text her and say you feel very hurt and you need some space. Which is true. You might feel differently in a couple of weeks.

Or maybe she wants to explain what happened. If she's been a good friend for a long time, maybe you could give her the benefit of the doubt?

Sadly this was over a year ago. I don’t get why she’s hanging in there yet has never apologised for all the shit that happened. And of course, is still v friendly with D.

I would block them all and move on.

They can't feel special and exclusive if they're not in touch with you sometimes to tag you in photos to exclude you.

So don't give them a chance. You have outgrown this friendship group.

I used to talk to my BF from school for 5 hours a day sometimes, now we wouldn't be able to manage 5 minutes

You said it yourself... L hates conflict of any kind. She wants to be on good terms with everyone in the world, no matter how they're behaving. She wants to be friends with you because otherwise there would be conflict and bad feeling between you, and she can't deal with that idea.

L is a pleasant but cowardly doormat who will not stick up for anyone because she values surface harmony more than truth, justice and honesty. That's her problem, not yours.

I would drop the lot of them... they sound like a toxic bunch and D's behaviour has been particularly vile. I would mute them on social media.

None of them sound worth keeping, and I would imagine it won't be long before they have another massive falling-out among themselves and start slagging each other off. You're better off with your proper friends.

I would not meet up with L. She isn't a true friend. Her friendship isn't worth anything when she is equally prepared to cosy up with absolutely anyone else, including people who treat you horribly. I would turn down offers to meet up with her, probably by repeating the same "taking a step back" line again and again, or by saying you'll be in touch when you're ready. I don't think there's any point in getting into emotional discussions with L. You will not get anywhere and it will only upset you. You've already told L what's happened. Either she thinks you're lying, or she's quite happy to be friends with people who treat you like that. In either case I wouldn't want to be friends with her or spend time with her.

I strongly suspect that L thinks I’ve treated her unfairly. I was completely honest with her and said that I would never attempt to make her choose who she was friendly with, but that D had behaved terribly towards me, and that I certainly wasn’t asking her to choose me over her, so I’d made the decision to step back. L seems to be of the opinion that she hasn’t done anything wrong and she’s been caught in the middle, whereas I think she was disloyal. If she had ever had a go at D about her behaviour, she never told me about it.

And yes you’re right, she either does think I’m lying (which I’m not, D lies through her teeth) or she thinks it’s nothing to do with her, and that her still being close friends with D is in no way, tacit approval of her horrible behaviour- when of course that’s entirely how I see it.

We have spoken a couple of times since all this blew up and we are all chatty as normal but when she goes on about meeting up, I just think “what for?”

I just want to shout “you don’t get to sit on the fence.”

You say you don't want L to have to choose but you don't want her to sit on the fence either.

Realistically you want L to pick you over them but don't want to have to ask her to do it, because that'd make you look petty and immature.

You're struggling to separate the two different issues.

Do you trust L? Could you trust her not to talk to the others about you? Do you think you could just be friends with her?

I get that you're upset but you need to accept that L shouldn't have to choose.

I hear you. I think at the very least she could have shown me some loyalty/understanding but instead she chose to play neutral, which I think is a cop out. And I was prepared to step back and let things slide - it’s her that is insistent we should meet up.

I get that she would rather not talk about it and I don’t think she would go off and gossip about me or anything. But then for me it feels like unfinished business and it’s hurtful that she feels I should just suck up her continued friendship with someone that was so calculatedly vile to me.

I think if you feel like L respect you or your feelings maybe you just need to walk away.

A natural peacemaker is normally very good and understanding other people's feelings but if you feel like yours aren't taken into account she's not that good a friend anyway.

Would your life be any worse off with her (and the drama)?

I've had friends who didn't stand up for me in hurtful situations and I took the decision that they were just casual friends then. I'll be friendly but no more. I think you're right to move on. She clearly wants everything to be right in the world and everyone to get along, and won't accept her part in conflict.

Ok. Im friendly and chatty on the phone but I think I’m going to have to spell it out. It’s desperately sad.

If you are still chatting to L on the phone you may as well meet up wi h her and have a proper conversation about all this and life. At the minute you are stuck in the middle. So: block or meet in person.