OK sorry this might be long but I am so confused I feel I need to get it all down.
I'm going to be completely honest even though I'm going to be slated completely, I deserve it.
Married 12 years, together 17. 2 children, under 10ys.
We met when I was mid 20s, we shared a house, it got very serious very quickly. I remember thinking that it was scary at the time as very committed. Renting together within a year, bought our own doer Upper within 3 years, married after 5. When he asked me I also felt trepidation and wasn't sure entirely it was what I wanted but it was what you did I think, so that was that, married. 2 children later I'm now having doubts nearly every day. It goes through periods when we are happy, usually with the kids, going out, doing things, holidays, although more recently not really even then, our last holiday was quite strained, I just felt constantly like I did all the parenting. It's been a theme really for years, he's very messy and I can be controlling I guess, I just have naturally taken on all of the family admin and house work. He will do it if asked, but only if asked really. Which I find overwhelming. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done.
Recently though, and over the last 5 years or so, I've found myself daydreaming about life without him.
Specifically life with someone else, someone who is a friend who I have massive sexual chemistry with. We've exchanged texts which are sexual in nature and quite frankly were mind blowing, I have never felt so turned on or alive. We've talked quite frankly about how we feel about each other. It's not just lust, it's been 6 years of growing feelings. We talk like brilliant friends and if we didn't have the attraction we would be best friends. I've tried to deal with it in the past by blocking him, cutting contact etc. It always works for a few months, then starts to be a problem again. Recent developments are only the last 2 months. I miss him terribly but NC is for the best.
I have told DH about him, that he likes me and I'm flattered, that we get on and I like the attention. I wasn't totally honest, as since telling him, the texts happened, and one kiss. Which again, was amazing. I've never felt that electric thing with DH. I literally felt like what, is this what it's meant to feel like?! But then I also know the hormones will be kicking in, the endorphins from it being illicit, I know that and I'm not romanticising OM, he's got tons of flaws and it wouldn't be practical to be with him, even if I were single.
I'm not excusing my behaviour but several times over the last few years I've asked for help, more input, more support, it's never really happened. I've organised nights away, nights out, dates, time to ourselves. Don't romantic things and enjoyed doing them for him. But I've also asked for practical help, small things like him getting up earlier to help getting the kids out the door, rather than only getting up 20mins before he leaves (I'm already up an hour by then) and worrying about himself getting to work on time only (he leaves to get to work 30 mins early, so is never late, if I'm running around sorting the kids he just leaves anyway) whereas I rely on the children getting in the car, getting all the school stuff done, leaving to drop them at childcare, often then being late due to traffic. My potential journey could be 20 mins to work, but because I do all the drop offs etc, it's nearly an hour every day, each way. Things like him not driving, when we live rurally. Refuses to learn. I work in a professional job where I leave early in order to make sure the children are collected from school by me at least once a week, meaning I have to work late at home in the evenings to compensate, often till the early hours, whereas he stays late every night and wouldn't even think about leaving on time, unless I ask. Sometimes won't even then. He travels a lot for work, which is difficult, but I actually find it easier not having him home. There's just no interaction, when he walks in the door from being away for 3 or 4 days, or even a week or so, I don't even get a kiss, or I missed you. Will always buy me something from duty free.. But it's not what I want.
Dh is genuinely a lovely, hardworking person who I know loves me. Generous with money and gifts, not particularly one for displays of affection, unless drunk. Does say 'love you' if prompted but only if prompted. More telling I guess is that I can't, and never have said, I love you to him. Just love you. I feel starved of affection, but also more recently when I hug him or kiss him I feel nothing. Sex is about weekly, very routine, but more recently I just can't bring myself to do it. Last time was in the dark, horribly uncomfortable and I felt nothing, I really had to almost go somewhere else in my head to get through it. Its been OK in the past, never really amazing. But OK. And maybe more regular than now, but with lots of effort, making myself do it even if I couldn't be bothered. He sometimes suffers from Ed. He drinks a lot, not during the week, but at weekends. And will drink then fall asleep on the sofa, leaving me to go to bed on my own. He is tired, I know that, so I feel bad telling him I'm unhappy with this. But drinking is sometimes a problem, because even when we are out as a family, he will be looking for where he can get a beer, or if we've had a night away, it always includes a lot of alcohol, more recently he passed out spreadeagled on the bed, preventing me from sleeping, on a night away from the children.
I do have this friend in my head, I know that's clouding my judgement. We are NC now and he's told me to sort things out with my husband and to be happier, he's said he wants that and is going to keep away so it can happen. Doesn't stop me missing him.
I can't stop thinking about him, I can't bring myself to make the effort with DH. I know I need to really really try. I need to tell him about the friend, again, and tell him it's escalated. I kind of just want to get Christmas out of the way first though for the children. I really really don't want to hurt him, he's going to be angry and devastated. I feel about him though as I would about a friend, I don't want to hurt him, but don't feel in love with him. I certainly don't feel like I'm attracted to him right now.
I'm waiting on counselling because I'm so down all the time now, I would like to go to couples counselling, but again, mentioned it months ago, he said OK, then never talked about it again. Same as when a few weeks ago I told him I wasn't happy and wanted to have my own counselling, that I felt overwhelmed etc and lonely, he put a few loads of washing on for a week or so but nothing changed really.
I'm just lost. I don't know what to do. When I consider a life without him all I think about is how hurt he would be and how we would manage practically, how I'd feel bad about taking him out of a home he's worked on and improved...I don't think I'd miss him. Its mental. I almost feel relief when I think about him coming home and telling me it's over, or when he's away, which he is now. It's like a weight has lifted as I don't have to try to have a conversation, which is met with 1 word barely muttered answers, or by him staring at his phone.
I know I'm at fault, for 5 years, on and off, of thinking about someone else. I think maybe I've distanced myself more recently, plus I feel guilt, which is probably making me not want to be near him... I just don't know. I don't know if these feelings are triggered by the OM or if the feelings for him are a symptom. I know I have felt attraction to other men before that, sometimes quite intensely, while with DH.
I spent last night crying because all I want to do is talk to the other man, which is awful. I'm really really going to do non contact, because I need to get to a place where my head is clear of the friend/OM and where DH know how serious it is and how we both need to work on things, if he wants to. But at the same time I really actually don't want to..
Wow OK that was long. Sorry.
Not even sure what I want. Probably a kicking, because I've had an affair, but also has anyone come out of this the other side with a positive outcome? Even if that was counselling and a break up. Or a stronger marriage? I feel awful when I read things on here about horrible abusive husbands, because he's none of those things, I just don't really know if I love him enough to try, or if I can get back to a better place, if he wants me to stay.