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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

14 year olds father passed away.

25 replies

Lolly34h · 01/12/2019 08:52

My 14 year old ds father sadly passed away on Wednesday due to an ongoing issue with drugs/alcohol. His mother has decided that the funeral is to be family only plus his gf and a next door neighbour. I have to take my son and also my 17 year old Dd as he was a big part of her life since she was 18 months old. I asked if my sister could attend with me so the children have lots of support as they have zero relationship with any of my exdp family. She said no. I feel like this is so unfair

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 01/12/2019 08:56

I'm sorry you and your children have to face this. It does sound like a tough decision. Is there a particular reason? (Also where is the funeral? Aren't they public events? Apart from the wake obviously which is private....but maybe your kids would prefer a private wake with you and your sister where you choose to do something of their choosing to remember him).

pog100 · 01/12/2019 08:59

It is unfair and unfeeling but to be honest I don't think there's much you can do without making a massive upset at a bad time

pog100 · 01/12/2019 09:01

You don't say anything about your ex but maybe his mother's lack of empathy for her grandchildren explains something about him?

Northernparent68 · 01/12/2019 09:03

Tm sorry for your loss.

Your children will have each other and you, so while it will be difficult for them I really think you should go.

EggysMom · 01/12/2019 09:06

Your sister could be with you but not attend the actual church/crem service (wait in the car or a nearby cafe).

GertiMJN · 01/12/2019 09:06

If you feel that you / your dc will need extra support, could your sister drive you there but not go into the service itself?

LIZS · 01/12/2019 09:06

A funeral is a public event so in theory you don't need permission. However I would have thought you could support both chldren.

FloreanFortescue · 01/12/2019 09:07

I don't think she's BU. It's a family event and you can support your children. It's not a good situation for anyone but the family and children take priority.

RantyAnty · 01/12/2019 09:22

I thought funerals were public? It's not like there will be police standing by checking id.
I wouldn't have asked permission. Just go. it'd be different if you were bringing 15 people, but you're not.

Quartz2208 · 01/12/2019 09:26

For whatever reason she wants the funeral small and people who knew him and I think you need to respect that given she has lost her son.

Original poster

Lolly34h · 01/12/2019 09:37

They had a bad relationship to be honest and until he got sick in march this year she was zero contact with him. I'm angered because the family have not once asked how my son is. It took them till yesterday to tell my exdp father that he had passed. They are not a nice family in general and now they are grieving and I get that I really do but so are me and my children and all 3 of us need support from a loved one on the day as it will be horrific.

OP posts:

DeathStare · 01/12/2019 09:43

I don't mean this to sound unfeeling but the funeral will be an hour maximum. An hour sat in seats, listening to readings, songs etc. There will be nothing anyone can do to support anyone in that time except put their arm around them or hold their hand. You have two arms and two children. You will manage the hour without your sister there.

Ask your sister to drive you there and wait outside in the car. That way if one of your children need to leave she can be with the one who needs to leave.

The grieving process will be long. This is one very tiny (though important) part of it. You WILL be strong enough to support your children alone for that hour.

GertiMJN · 01/12/2019 09:46

Obviously we can't understand the complexities of the family dynamics, but if you say that your ds has no relationship with his paternal family, it is odd that you would expect them to ask after your son.

It sounds like you do have support from your family which is great for all of you.

As a couple of us have said, your sister can be with you on the day even if she's not in the service.

misspiggy19 · 01/12/2019 09:49

YABU- sorry but I think you are making this all about you and your children when you have admitted they had a bad relationship and had no contact.

stucknoue · 01/12/2019 09:52

If it's at a church or crematorium then it's public anyway. The wake is private so they can dictate. Would a neutral friend be better? They can support you without having a back story

BarrenFieldofFucks · 01/12/2019 10:03

She meant the mother had a bad relationship with her now departed son.

Original poster

Lolly34h · 01/12/2019 10:19

I dont know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

GertiMJN · 01/12/2019 10:20

OP has given no insight into the family situation or relationships e.g. when exdp left the family, what contact/relationship he had with her ds and dd following that etc.

GertiMJN · 01/12/2019 10:22

I dont know what to do for the best
Could you explain what are you concerned about?

regularbutpanickingabit · 01/12/2019 10:28

It might seem wrong to you but ultimately that’s what you’ve been told and it’s your decision as to whether to respect her wishes. I understand your kids need support so you need to decide if it’s worth causing more upset for them on the day by insisting on taking your sister and then his family kicking off at the funeral. If your sister can take you there and take you back but you can cope with the short ceremony with your two kids then it sounds like that will be the least disruptive. That might not be fair but think about your son first and what’s going to be best for him. Sounds like the ex family are quite capable of causing huge dramas and I would want to minimise that for my son. What could your sister do during the funeral to help him anyway? If she can wait outside or nearby then you know support is close.

MrsBertBibby · 01/12/2019 10:34

Just take your kids, and get your sister to wait outside. Don't invite a scene, it won't help your kids get through this.

PaterPower · 01/12/2019 10:38

Just bite your lips and go.

If it’s at a Crem, they’ll try and shift you through in as short a time as possible; it’s a literal conveyor belt process with the next grieving family usually about 5 minutes behind yours.

Even if it’s a church service, you (and your kids) can get through 60 minutes, most of which will be the officiant talking and a couple of hymns. Eulogies will be 5-10 minutes max. Just offer your condolences to the Mother and GF at the end and then leave - how much drama can she create in that time?

As PP have said, your sister can sit outside and be there when you come out. Go back later to the grave / memorial stone and grieve for yourselves then, without his extended family around.

Original poster

Lolly34h · 01/12/2019 12:23

I think taking my sister and shes waiting outside. My son is very upset so my thinking is if he walks out there is someone outside waiting for him. And I can stay with my dd. X

OP posts:

TheYear · 01/12/2019 12:24

A funeral is a public event - anyone can attend.

Original poster

Lolly34h · 08/12/2019 13:56

Quick update: still no date for the funeral. I tend to think they are purposefully shutting my son out. The gf he had when he died has picked music from what his younger brother has told me and no thought of asking my son if theres a song that reminds him of his dad :(

OP posts:

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